Feeling trapped abroad, overworked and isolated, how can I cope?

[Exquisitepeonies]

I will try to keep this shortish. I’m an expat in a European country. I moved here over a decade ago to get married. Three kids. I am unhappy. I hate everything about it here, the climate, the culture, the food, nothing tastes good.
I am struggling with the language and feel ashamed because I strongly believe you should assimilate and speak as well as you can, but I just can’t seem to manage it. I try, and people look blankly at me and speak English. I can’t attend language classes because of my job (long hours, can’t get into town on time.) I work for an international global megacorp type company who are working me to death. I often finish each day shaking with stress and it’s affecting my health. I have no friends. By which I mean none. Zero.
I have tried - I joined mum groups and they were just … awful. One or two queen bees and anyone who didn’t toe the line was mobbed. I don’t live anywhere I can meet people. School gate mums don’t talk to me. I’ve tried joining online groups and they’re full of people that are like the distillation of Reddit - hyper liberal, will not give any other opinion the time of day. I don’t really care about people’s politics, I think you should have your opinions and whatever, but people seem to rabidly go after anyone with even the slightest bit of wrong think. My husbands friends don’t like me. My in laws tolerate me as long as I’m perfectly behaved but they don’t like me either
I have grown more and more depressed, I’m losing weight, my hair is falling out and I’m anemic. I no longer see any future. I have begged my husband to move back to the uk and he won’t. We are barely speaking to each other. I am trying to be Vergil for the kids but one of them said the other night that she has never seen me happy and that broke my heart
If i get divorced I will lose my home and children and of course they are resident here so they stay here and I will be stuck here. I wouldn’t want to make them not see their dad anyway, so I am stuck.
I can’t afford a home anywhere near where we live and they go to school even though I have a decent job. I cannot afford to buy anywhere. Rental lists are three plus years long even on the grim bits of town. I am finding myself more and more shut down.
I look online and advice seems to be go out and socialise (with who exactly?) or go on antidepressive medication (nope.) if I go to the doctor and say I’m struggling they will probably lock me up. All the advice I see online is just … crap. I don’t HAVE a bunch of girlfriends to go out with. I don’t have TIME to do stuff because I work so many hours a day and do housework and the kids stuff.
How can I feel better? I think about growing old in this horrible place and it just fills me with despair. I have to function at work at a high level and at home (no bugger else does anything) . However nobody gives a toss and I have to sort myself out. Whining won’t help, and I have to pull my socks up and get on with it. What do, MN? Any advice that isn’t ’go on a spa day with your non existent girlfriends’ or ‘take drugs?’

Poor health, loneliness and overwork are a horrible toxic mix. Can you get signed off for a few weeks and try to deal with the fatigue and low iron? Then sit down with your husband and make a plan for the next few years.

@ALovelyPinkUnicorn his country. Yes I visited, I don’t think you really know what it’s like before you live there, but I learned my lesson and won’t do it again.
@RosieLeaLovesTea nobody visits me. Never had anyone I knew in the uk come over, family have their own lives, I’m not important, people don’t keep in touch.
@bestestwestest he won’t move. I have explained how I feel, he just gets mad and says he finds it upsetting so I don’t mention it any more. Kids settled in school and I can’t uproot everyone just because I don’t like it. I have to cope
@PermanentTemporary yrsh it’s funny, I have lived abroad before and been ok, it’s just here. It’s my own failure and fault, but I just don’t like it. it’s not my country, I have no place e to criticise it or change it, as an immigrant I should fit in or fuck off.
@PurpleLovecats sorty but it’s an absolute no on antidepressants - I have tried them, they make me worse. I knit, not that I have time, but I find no joy in any of my hobbies any more. It all just feels hollow and pointless. I’ve started chucking away loads of yarn because I just can’t see the point in it any more. I have given away or thrown away most of my hobby gear, I feel like there’s no point in keeping it.
@Shortbread36 bhuddism not for me as an ideology, find it very nihilistic and dark. Might give hypnotherapy a go, no idea where I’d find that, does it work? Basically I need to stop complaining and find a way of living somewhere I hate in isolation for the next t twenty years or so without killing myself. I need practical coping strategies, or perhaps a good slap

I'm really sorry you're going through this Op.

I do agree with others that you ought to see what medication will work for you.

When you are depressed and in survival mode everything feels bleak and impossible. I know.

I was fortunate that the first ssri I took worked like a charm. It was like having a lifejacket on, and being able to just relax rather than thrash around trying to stay afloat. Only then was I able to start to make changes to my situation.

Definitely go on sick leave. Get a fit note tomorrow and take a few months off

Also yoga. It sounds mad but I genuinely believe it helped me take care of myself. I think the breathing helps calm the nervous system.

Yoga with Adriene on youtube.

Other things I did to try to feel less homesick were join one of the bookclub type threads on here, listening to British radio more often, watching Ricky Gervais (my kind of humour).

Don't try to suppress who you are. Don't dim your light.

@StartupRepair i can’t take time off sick. I do t get paid if im off unless I e been off for three consecutive months (no Sweden doesn’t have good worker protections …)
I have tried, he doesn’t want to hear it and it’s made me feel … kind of bad.
yes, it’s Sweden, lol. I hate it, and everyone is all, ‘but the guardian told me Sweden is perfect!’ It really isn’t.
@CleanSkin yeah, I am trying to get my iron and stores up . I’m a scientist, so I was trying to explain to them that these were fairly low levels, and have been trying to get an infusion for a few years. The succession of disinterested GPs I’ve seen insist ‘it’s fine’ WOULD YOU LIKE SOME ANTIDEPRESSANTS? (No thank you! Just some iron please?) and I really had to get a bit shitty and politely push (which isn’t done here.) I hope it will fix things a bit, I’m not seeing any difference so far. They said they wouldn’t give me another routinely, and they don’t retest for ferritin so I’m going to have to push for that. Healthcare here is not great. I e always been pretty healthy before, and it’s a shock
My sleep is poor, always has been. Tried all sorts of stuff, nothing much works. I’m used to existing on a couple of broken hours a night. Husband snores, we do t have a spare room. And here I am past midnight online which wont help either…

Can you take the children to the UK over summer to give yourself a break from the suffocating atmosphere.

Are you able to and/or will your company allow you to work from another country for a short period of time?

We will have a week with family. It’s nice, it’s never long enough. Can’t outstay our welcome.
no work won’t let me do that.
I can’t get signed off, you don’t get company sick pay here, only a small government amount, which isn’t enough to live off. I have to keep working. Seen people fired for taking time off where I am (and everyone thinks Sweden has good worker protection but they don’t.)

Perhaps you do need to pull the plug, return to the UK and accept that you will have the DC during their school holidays.

So long as you carry on staying and slowly dying what inventive is there for your DH to understand or compromise?

I can’t go back to the uk. When children are resident in a country, you can’t remove them. It’s kidnapping and I can’t do that.
If I get divorced I’d lose my home, and my kids, I can’t take them to the uk without my husbands permission. Rules are pretty clear on borders and kids.
I have explained to him how I feel. I’ve tried multiple times. You know what it’s like when you try to say you’re unhappy - nobody wants to hear it, people get angry and shut it down, you can’t express this stuff in real life, people refuse to speak about it. They get angry. You’re upsetting them. You’re making a fuss. Don’t upset me. Etc. He won’t even listen to my opinions, lol, never mind move back to the uk. I be stuck, I just need to learn how to cope without feeling, quite frankly, suicidal at the thought of more time in such isolation. I cannot say this to anyone irl. Feels odd even to say it here

If your spouse is so stubborn , and just not interested in you or your happiness then what is the point anyway? How is that a marriage? So you actually have more than one problem . It’s not just you are unhappy living somewhere and being trapped, you are also stuck in a failed relationship

Therapy.

Can you call the UK Samaritans? You sound worryingly low.

I know. The problems are multiple. it sucks.
@JustTalkToThem useless IMO. What can anyone say? I’m stuck. There’s no out option that works. I want to go back home. I legally cannot, unless I abandon my children. I will not do that. That’s the crux of it and whining at a therapist won’t change anything. What can they do?
Lesson learned I guess. Don’t marry a foreigner and live abroad. My own fault.
I’m sorry for complying anyway. I know there’s no workable solution here. I just have to put up with it.

How incredibly tough for you @Exquisitepeonies you sound completely overwhelmed and totally depressed.

After you'd posted, and googling about others' experiences in Sweden, you will not be shocked to learn, I'm sure, that many others feel exactly as you.

There are a lot of vids on youtube which describe, in detail, the difficulties of trying to assimilate in Sweden.

this is just one, others may resonate better, have a wee search.

It's so saddening that the depth of your unhappiness makes you feel so hopeless, to the extent that even your children notice @Exquisitepeonies it is baffling that your husband is not more supportive.

If he is Swedish, it seems that he just does not register that the depth of your despair goes far deeper than just unhappiness.

I wish you strength and hope for somehow finding your way through a really difficult time.

You need a purpose to feel better. Volunteering is good if you can find a time. Plus, you might have a vitamin D deficiency ( common in Sweden) which could be linked to depression. Blood test? And therapy to have a safe space to talk.

You are more likely to find friends amongst other foreigners living in Sweden. Many of them must feel the same as you. Have you ever looked for such groups on FB, or in bigger cities near you?
I speak from experience. In Britain, not in Sweden.

It must be horrible to have no support from anyone. I feel for you.
Is it that you can't find few hours during weekend for yourself? How old are your kids?

Ah, Sweden. Yes I have another relative who lives there. Not for me either, though I have visited and enjoyed it. I don’t really know how my relative’s partner has survived it. The deal was always that they would come home eventually and that’s happening this year.

It is really shit that nobody has visited you. I certainly would plan a good two week vacation in that long, long winter.

Do you have a fantasy/plan of how to return to the uk when the time comes? Socking away some money for a tiny flat somewhere cheap but likeable? It’s quite a good time (ie market flat as a pancake) to buy a flat and rent it out if you can pick your way through the new law? What age would your children have to be to make your return doable? 18?

I was meaning you return to the UK and the DC spend all their school holidays with you there.

It is very tough and you have to consider are you truly able to carry on at this level of depression?

I assume you don’t live in central Stockholm, is it an option to move there - could there be a bigger pool of ex pats there to meet and spend time with?

I’m so sorry you are so low and everything you have tried hasn’t helped 💐

@duckfordinner i dont have time, and honestly I dont have the capacity either. I cant take anything more on. I have a demanding job, kids, pets and all the housework stuff. There’s no spare capacity.
I take vitamin D supplements, the high dose ones. GP won’t do testing, says that’s enough. System here is rigid as are the people.
@PermanentTemporary my children are about the only thing in my life that I like, the thought of leaving them is unbearable. I was in an expat mum FB group and I saw time and time again women lose their children and everything else when they get divorced here. Courts side with men, and with natives (again, the fluffy picture of this country the UK media presents is FAR from the reality.)
I can’t move to central Stockholm, my husband won’t move (also prices are ridiculous but even if I could afford it he won’t move.)
I barely slept last night, I was still awake at four (my own fault for posting this, talking about it make me think about it and get upset.) now I have to start work and I’m tired.

I've not been in your situation but I can relate to being in a situation where everyone tells you to reach out and join groups but you don't have access to the right sort of people for you. That can be extremely isolating.

How old are the kids? If there aren't any immediate solutions I wonder if you need to treat the next however many years as a prison sentence and mark off each day. Your kids will grow up, you don't have to grow old where you are if you don't want to.

Ignoring the fact that you refuse to accept there are many different medications you could try and one of them will make you feel better….

At work, you can definitely try to care less. If there is too much work that is not your problem to solve. That is for your manager to solve. If deadlines are unrealistic that’s not your problem, that’s your manager / project lead to solve. Can you list out everything that loads on the stress in a week and then draw a huge fat line through everything that you cannot control. Then arrange a meeting / backed up with email that lists out all the things you need more people / more time for and asking management to tell you what to prioritise.

Then you arrive, do as much as you can in your working hours, then send an email dear boss, due to excessive workload tomorrow I can do x or y please tell me which is the priority’

Id give up on your husband he doesn’t seem to care about you.

Focus on your kids - presumably they’re at home if you’re at home so how old are they? what do they enjoy? What can you do together? Can you develop a shared passion or hobby? Can you watch films or shows together as a ‘thing’??

And together with that question is what do you like doing? I fucking hated role play type games so we very rarely did that but I built an impressive colllection of brio trains and Duplo / lego / craft supplies as that’s why I liked doing!!

I would also look at therapy - it might take a couple of different therapists until you find the right one so don’t just try one and dismiss it as not working - but I think having someone else to help you cope would be a very good plan

I am so very sorry. At 10 years in, you aren’t really an expat anymore so maybe there’s a group for immigrants that might feel more of a match.

I immigrated from the states to Scotland 20 years ago and had a rough time for the first couple years. It helped enormously that I live in a city so there’s loads of immigrants and lots of different things to do. I still feel like a visitor sometimes, but it also sometimes feels like home.

I think you need to explore other anti depressants - trying one and writing them all off isn’t fair, there are options that work better for people and no one knows that until trying a few. Can you pay for a private blood screen to look at vitamin d levels? That might be another issue.

However, none of this will help the inherent issue - being depressed despite a relatively lovely life is one thing, being depressed because you hate your situation is another. So what options are there? Can you split up and stay in Sweden and move to another part of it? How old are the kids? Are they the type to be able to move and thrive? I think being an immigrant in a city (or close to a city) is much easier than in the middle of nowhere where you’re so isolated.

The job also sounds impossible. What else can you do? Can you tutor online? Teach English? What transferable skills do you have? There are so many remote working roles now so maybe you can do something altogether different instead of staying in the same field.

Am aware all of this will sound impossible in the grip of depression and ill health but maybe having a goal would help focus your energy. Also aware this might sound really condescending. I hope not.

re snoring - can you sleep on the couch? Honestly snoring drives me mad so my husband and I have separate rooms now. I just can’t cope without a decent chunk of sleep. So maybe there’s a creative solution of sofa beds or pull down beds somewhere to get you more sleep which will help with everything.

(1) Your kids will grow up before you know it. You can move back home then. Can you encourage them to apply to uni in the UK?

(2) Definitely change jobs. A completely different job in another field like online tutoring will make a huge difference.

@FusionChefGeoff As I said - I haven’t tried one and then concluded all are bad. I have tried multiple antidepressants, SSRI, SNRI, other stuff. None worked, all just sort of numbed me, it’s like a chemical lobotomy. I do not like taking them, I gave them a fair shot despite that, but no more. It’s a no for drugs. I know for some they work well. They do not work for me, so I’m not going to take any more of them. The succession of disinterested GPs can find something else to throw at me.
I honestly don’t know what I like doing these days. I get no joy out of any of my previous hobbies and when i try to pick something up and do it I just feel blank. There’s no joy there at all. I’ve tried forcing it, doesn’t work. I’ve started throwing away most of my hobby stuff, I feel this urge to just purge everything I own, which is weird,
Yeah I’ve tried all that stuff at work - it doesn’t work at all. There’s a level of corporate pressure where that isn’t acceptable. You’re expected to cope with anything. I have to do my job. I’m trying to alleviate what pressure I can, but as with most industries management have fallen for the ‘AI Is gonna let you fire 40-% of your workers!’ Meme and we are horribly under staffed and will be until something critical crashes and some people die or something worth millions fails and then Lessons Will Be Learned and maybe we get to hire to folk. But I need to change something because the job is going to kill me (which would to be fair solve the problem.)
online tutoring is completely saturated and very poorly paid. There’s a million grad students doing it for pennies. Most online jobbing work is like that. This is a brutally expensive country to live in, I need my wage.
Kids are junior school sort of age. Another decade plus before the youngest is uni age.
I’m sure my husband would just meet someone else and the kids would eventually be Ok. There isn’t a positive answer here, I know that. I’m just sort of psyching myself up to deal with it.