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In trouble it's endgame

64 replies

Endgamenow · 07/05/2026 12:50

In a bad state all my fault .This is my first ever post.
Feel so ashamed of myself.Yesterday I was banned from a retail shop.
Rightly so,as for around four months I have been stealing from various shops.It felt like a runnaway train and it has rightly crashed .
I already decided I needed help as it was a horrible compulsion .I have never stolen anything in my life before this episode.
Six months ago I lost my brother to suicide .
I found him and felt like part of me died with him.
I started to drink heavily at night and felt horrible the next day.I would go out to the shops to get out and not be home.
.It started suddenly ,I put a small item in my bag and for some reason I felt euphoric and that was the beginning of this spiral.
I would go out and take silly things with no need or use for them then return home and write down all the things I had stolen in a book.
I would then feel overwhelming shame and fear
But once again I would do it .It felt like someone else was doing it almost like an out of body feeling .
I am retired and live with my husband .
He would be mortified if he found out.
This will likely now happen as the shop I was banned from his cousin works in.
The shame is mine .
I now want to end my life .
If only I had listened to the voice screaming in my head to stop

OP posts:
stayathomegardener · 07/05/2026 13:06

Can you reframe this as a positive to make changes?
Perhaps start with help for your drinking and specialist counselling regarding the lost of your brother.

I would like to think your friends and family will be supportive, as a stranger I have nothing but compassion for you.

FayeMumsnet · 07/05/2026 13:06

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great, and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters when they respond, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

Take care. 💐

Mental Health Webguide | Mumsnet

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Endgamenow · 07/05/2026 13:10

Thank you so much for your kind post I don't deserve it.This is a huge wake-up call .just so frightened the police may arrest me .my lovely husband has no idea

OP posts:
WinterCarlisle · 07/05/2026 13:23

Dear @Endgamenow, you don’t know me and I don’t know you but this is NOT Endgame. You have not killed anyone nor tried to harm anyone. What you have done in the grand scheme of things is not terrible. Really it isn’t. You are in pain following a terrible and shocking bereavement. Please be kinder to yourself. You have done nothing that cannot be fixed. Please stop thinking about ending your life: think of your husband and your family but most of all yourself. You sound so traumatised and devastated by your brother’s death - you need some expert support to deal with this. You say this is the first time you’ve done something like this and as you’re retired I’m going to assume you’re over 50. Everyone makes mistakes at some point. Get some help, afford yourself some grace and keep breathing. 💐

Lavender14 · 07/05/2026 13:24

Op, honestly you've actually just done the hardest thing. You've opened up about it and admitted that this is a problem and you aren't coping.

Honestly you need to tell your dh, if he cares about you and is as lovely as you say then he'll be worried and want to support you.

You've been through a massive and very traumatic loss. It makes complete sense that your brain has tried to find a way to cope and get help for itself if you previously weren't able to find the words or the space to do that. These wounds always find an out, you are not abnormal in that respect and you are not alone. I personally know a couple of people who dealt with traumatic loss with theft. It's more common than people talk about.

That being said, there's no reason for you to feel like you need to end things or to continue feeling this way. You are hurting and you deserve support.

The best thing you can do is speak to your dh and tell him honestly that you're not coping and what's been happening. He might react to that and he might struggle to understand but I think you need to be prepared for that initial reaction and allow him a bit of processing time. This will be new for him, but you've had time to think about it.

The next step is referring yourself for grief counselling/ addiction counselling. I would be trying to find someone who specialises in both ideally and who is accredited. Both are connected but the drinking and stealing are a symptom not the root cause so trauma and grief work are key. Speaking to your gp would also be important as they might be able to refer to adult mental health services for specialist provision. There's usually a waiting list but if you have the means maybe you could fund privately initially or ask for advice on free services locally. You also probably need a proper assessment for the likes of ptsd which would be very understandable given what you've been through.

Op I think it's really important that you hear that you aren't doing this because you are a bad person, you're hurting and struggling with your mental wellbeing and yes, you do deserve to be treated with grace and respect. I know it maybe sounds a bit silly to say but I'm honestly really proud of you for opening up about this because I know it's really hard to do and scary because it's the first step towards changing your life. But you can absolutely get yourself back on track. People do it all the time with the right support. It's not easy but it's not impossible and the future really doesn't have to look or feel like what you've been experiencing. You have an opportunity here to start a new slate and you really do have what it takes.

Boobtasticmumma · 07/05/2026 13:27

Here, echoing what others have said, because I know what it’s like to be in a dark
place, and the strength it takes to open up.

You have done the hardest part. You now have a chance to heal xx

Endgamenow · 07/05/2026 13:53

Thank you all.
This is a hard thing to say that I am an alcoholic and a thief.I used to be a better person.
I should know better.I have had a lifetime of my husband's problem with alcohol and always was the sensible reliable one.now I feel like a horrible fraud.
I would never have foorseen that I would sit drinking a bottle of wine and more every night writing a list of things I had stolen.recently a shopper saw me place items in my pocket and the look of disgust made me feel like dying inside but I still could not stop.
I have no idea if I have been seen in the many places I would take items from.I would sit at night and wonder how on earth this is happening ? I don't know if it's trauma or addiction but I can't cope with my shame.the place I live is small and I'm sure the staff will all tell people .a family member works there and this must be so embarrassing for him.
I am going to ring the drs but I don't know if they will report me to police.

OP posts:
ThisAutumnTown · 07/05/2026 13:56

Can you return the items to the shops with a note explaining and apologising?
yes, definitely speak to your dr. If you let them know you’re in the process of dealing with returning the stolen items/paying for them, I doubt they’ll phone the police.

Endgamenow · 07/05/2026 14:08

I would love to be able to do that but honestly it's so much and bizarrely when I would walk out of the shop I would have no idea untill I would look in my bag what I had taken.if you asked me what was in there before I looked I would be blank .it was like i was on auto pilot .then my heart would stop racing and I would feel strangely happy and relieved.But always followed by revulsion.I would walk in to a shop and take items of no use ,buy things of no use and leave .I could barely remember what shop I had taken what from.I am so shocked as there is something wrong with me that I never expected would happen to me.I feel awful for the people who served me not know or knowing what I had done .recently a security man stopped beside me ,my heart was racing It as very busy but everyone stopped and looked at him staring at me I thought I was passing out but for some reason he let me leave.said nothing .
I still felt a compulsion to go back in again.
This is a horrible thing to do I now feel like I am dirty and marked as a thief and lowlfe

OP posts:
Endgamenow · 07/05/2026 14:43

Has anyone personal experience of this or similar ?
I am going to ring Samaritans
I just have horrible anxiety and stomach is knotted
This content panicky nervous feeling.
Wish I could go back in time undo this damage
Now I don't want to go forward in time as it's really difficult to see how I can be a proper decent person again.
I feel broken and it's a dark place to fill

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 07/05/2026 15:40

Trauma and addiction are very closely linked op. It's all due to adrenaline and dopamine chemicals in your brain.

When you are impacted by significant trauma your body releases more adrenaline (fight flight freeze and the constant panicky knotted tummy feeling) than it needs and it stops producing dopamine (happy feelings and temporary relief chemicals that help your body recognise that danger is past).

So often when people are traumatised they will naturally without meaning to, start to seek danger or start to do risky things because in that moment their system makes sense, they have adrenaline because things are unsafe. There's a subconscious comfort in that matching up. Then you get a little relief in not being caught/ things working out so you get a little hit of dopamine which feels good and that you're lacking usually, but it doesn't last because you're system isn't making the right amounts. And that is what becomes really addictive. It's why people who experience significant trauma are much, much more likely to get addicted to things than other people.

You're not an awful person and you are absolutely not broken. Your brain chemistry has just been affected by something tragic happening which was beyond your control. But now you know what it is and why is happening, you have the power to get in control of it with the right support.

I don't have personal experience but I've worked with lots of people who have been in your shoes and what you've described makes a lot of sense to me. I agree with PP this is not endgame, I've watched lots of people come back from this and do really well for themselves.

Endgamenow · 07/05/2026 16:16

Lavender 14 this was so helpful as everyone has been.
I was expecting to be told the opposite that I'm a broken awful person.you make so much sense about dopamine.It really felt like a bomb went off in my head the first time I stole an item like my brain felt different .good to begin and off kilter after.I thought I had strong mental health but I never factored in losing my beloved brother.I feel even more sad for him because the pain he was in I feel now .how it feels to feels to be broken and feel unfixable.
I'm hopeing that I can find something inside to
Face up to all this.
Drinking has been another beating drum growing
Louder and louder.
You feel so trapped it's respite but it's like drinking hell in a bottle.ive watched my dh battle his issues
Now their mine .I would plead with him not to drink now I plead with him to get me more and more.
I think all the stealing was me filling my brain with anything but grief.
I'm in pure shame that people will know my secret now.
I will never ever do it again.
I am panicking about the outcome of this.
The man said it flagged up on their internal system that I was banned .
I'm unsure what that means or if it is facewatch technology? That will mean I cannot enter lots of different shops .
This means I can never shop with anyone again in case I'm flagged up.
It will be difficult to hide this from anyone.
If I ever got stopped and banned again I think it would be to much to handle .
I don't know how to fix this

OP posts:
Millymollymandy4 · 07/05/2026 16:24

OP I think you are asking for help - you e been through a lot - shop
lifting is definitely connected to calling out that you can’t cope - be kind to yourself - as others have said it’s not irredeemable 🥰🥰

StasisMom · 07/05/2026 16:28

I don’t think your GP would report you to the police, working on the basis that counsellors are only obliged to report serious crimes.

Endgamenow · 07/05/2026 16:55

A family member works in the store.
He wasn't there when I got asked to leave.will he know I'm banned? He is good friends with some of my friends ,I'm worried he will tell them .
I really want to drink as I'm so on edge .it feels like everyone is going to know my horrible secret.ive always done everything by the book but it feels like non of it matters now .
I had a horrible sinking feeling all week and I knew deep down this day was coming and I still didn't stop.i lay in bed thinking if I'm caught il kill myself
And here I am.i still felt the need to do it.
If anyone is doing the same please ,please stop
I would not wish this feeling on any one.
Wish I could see ahead and feel ok but feels impossible.
My daughters are coming over to visit soon and I have to try to look them in the eye and know they are better than I could ever be

OP posts:
Fruitsaladfortea · 07/05/2026 17:37

You are not a bad person OP, you are just unwell and you need help. Make an appointment to see your GP ASAP and they should be able to refer you for counselling. There is no way they would report you to the police for this.
Im so sorry for your loss, it’s not surprising you are traumatised by it.
I think you should show your husband this thread too so he can support you through this 💐

Endgamenow · 07/05/2026 17:55

Thank you fruitsaladfortea.I am going to contact my GP I was trying to get up the courage before this happened.It had to happen because I could not stop.I honestly would do it every single day.iI would give the things I had taken away but feel huge guilt as the person who received it had no idea .
The horrible sickly feeling has killed every urge to do it .I can't understand how it kept on happening and was getting more uncontrollable.
To my shame I did it whilst shopping with a friend they were unaware .It gave me a rush but I felt horrified after as they could have been implicated.
This is not anything like I used to be .
I feel like I want to scrub the shame away but
Now it's clinging to me and I don't know how to be my old self.
Last night I drank bottle and half of wine and 3largers to manage to get through the night.
Feel tired and burnt out today. But once again I did it .it's as if I have someone else's brain.
Just held my beautiful baby grandson and
Feel like a fraud.my children think I'm a good decent person but it's a front .
If everyone finds out il never recover

OP posts:
Fruitsaladfortea · 07/05/2026 18:00

Endgamenow · 07/05/2026 17:55

Thank you fruitsaladfortea.I am going to contact my GP I was trying to get up the courage before this happened.It had to happen because I could not stop.I honestly would do it every single day.iI would give the things I had taken away but feel huge guilt as the person who received it had no idea .
The horrible sickly feeling has killed every urge to do it .I can't understand how it kept on happening and was getting more uncontrollable.
To my shame I did it whilst shopping with a friend they were unaware .It gave me a rush but I felt horrified after as they could have been implicated.
This is not anything like I used to be .
I feel like I want to scrub the shame away but
Now it's clinging to me and I don't know how to be my old self.
Last night I drank bottle and half of wine and 3largers to manage to get through the night.
Feel tired and burnt out today. But once again I did it .it's as if I have someone else's brain.
Just held my beautiful baby grandson and
Feel like a fraud.my children think I'm a good decent person but it's a front .
If everyone finds out il never recover

Edited

You ARE a good decent person. Please tell your husband and your children (assuming they are adults). I’m sure they will not judge you harshly for this and you will feel so much better to have shared the secret.
FWIW, I can understand the appeal of shoftlifting for the buzz. I have MH issues and have been tempted myself in the past.

Endgamenow · 07/05/2026 18:15

Thanks .I really cant as I want to try to overcome this if I'm able .I just hope it's not a blanket ban for lots of shops as I would be stopped when with family.
How they feel about me matters so much .they depend on me to be the strong reliable one.
I am going to have to admit it if anyone tells them but
I would rather get my mental health stronger
Before I could explain how it's happened.
I feel nervous in case the police are called .
The family member does know my address and could pass it to the shop he works for.
I feel like my heart is thumping all day .
Does anyone in retail know how a ban is put on a system .do all staff see it?
Every so often I feel overwhelmed to the point of being sick.
My daughters know something is wrong but I told them it's ok I'm fine
Has anyone overcome something similar

OP posts:
Pippatpip · 07/05/2026 18:25

Hi. I just wanted to let you know that this isn’t uncommon. My father was a GP and I remember him testifying in court on more than one occasion to support cases of older female patients of previously excellent character who, due to trauma, had taken to petty shoplifting. You have had such an awful trauma that you are not in your normal frame of mind. Please, if you haven’t already, go to your GP and arrNge for some help and support. I am sure your husband will be ok. You are poorly and should get support.
best wishes and you are worthy and please do not put your husband through what you have just been through with your brother.

Endgamenow · 07/05/2026 18:41

Thank you .I know there is something really wrong mentally.Its frightening you can sabotage your whole
World and not feel able to overcome it.
My beloved brother gambled and could not stop.
I used to will him thinking use your strength of mind
But it killed his spirit.he took his life
I often talk to him saying I'm sorry I just didn't get how difficult it is to overcome something that's wrong with your brain.
I'm terrified there's more to come for me.
I feel fragile and broken.
I cannot cope with my life imploding.
If nothing more comes from this I am going to work
Really hard to put it behind me just very worried it's a can of worms opened and I won't be allowed to draw a line under it.
Il never feel same about myself but il punish myself now more than anyone can.
It's humbling to see how your life can mess up so quickly .going to go and rest for a bit and try not to drink feel awful today

OP posts:
plsbekinddelicate · 07/05/2026 18:54

OP my lovely you are going to get through this. You don’t have to be the strong person. You don’t have to pretend you’re okay. You didn’t used to be a good person, you ARE a good person. You are a human being who has experienced one of the most traumatic experiences anyone could have and you are trying to cope with the impact that has had on you. I’ve worked with hundreds of people just like you-going about their daily business until something tips their world upside down. Your GP doesn’t need to report you to police, you’ve made some unwise decisions but you are not a risk to others so please take heart from that. If you’ve been drinking heavily for a while it can be dangerous to stop suddenly. Talk to your GP about that too. If you can, is there a good friend who you could confide in? If not speak to the Samaritans x

Endgamenow · 07/05/2026 22:08

Thank you for your supportive post .Has really helped ease me right now.thank god for people like you who decide to make helping people there job and life.
I'm just so worried that I could end up here without seeing something was very wrong .its only recently I've realised this is not me as a person but shocked how I slipped into this .Every one is talking about shoplifting and I understand every one's anger towards people doing it but behind it is real people's stories ,trauma ect.no one would wish to feel like this lightly.i need not one thing I've taken
But my head decided it's going to happen and i felt like a bystander.i can only imagine a young fragile mind being totally destroyed by these feelings of euphoria then pain and shame .
I've entered a different world il never unsee
Il now have compassion were I had indifference or looked down on people
Life's shit lesson to me
Maybe my brother showing me a little bit of the hell he was in x

OP posts:
plsbekinddelicate · 07/05/2026 22:13

It’s amazingly and frighteningly common. Try and get some rest tonight, tomorrow is a fresh day. Seek the help and support you need and deserve ❤️

Endgamenow · 07/05/2026 22:26

Thank you you're a lovely person
Going to try to sleep
Thanks to anyone who listened today
My first time here but feel loads better
Not sure how I could have got through today
Good nite❤️

OP posts: