In trouble it's endgame

[Endgamenow]

In a bad state all my fault .This is my first ever post.
Feel so ashamed of myself.Yesterday I was banned from a retail shop.
Rightly so,as for around four months I have been stealing from various shops.It felt like a runnaway train and it has rightly crashed .
I already decided I needed help as it was a horrible compulsion .I have never stolen anything in my life before this episode.
Six months ago I lost my brother to suicide .
I found him and felt like part of me died with him.
I started to drink heavily at night and felt horrible the next day.I would go out to the shops to get out and not be home.
.It started suddenly ,I put a small item in my bag and for some reason I felt euphoric and that was the beginning of this spiral.
I would go out and take silly things with no need or use for them then return home and write down all the things I had stolen in a book.
I would then feel overwhelming shame and fear
But once again I would do it .It felt like someone else was doing it almost like an out of body feeling .
I am retired and live with my husband .
He would be mortified if he found out.
This will likely now happen as the shop I was banned from his cousin works in.
The shame is mine .
I now want to end my life .
If only I had listened to the voice screaming in my head to stop

@Endgamenow Bloody well done! You must feel so much better making that massive step forward. Sending hugs 🤗🤗🤗

Thank you .I know I'm far away from being safe to not do it again .I have voice in my head still willing me to do it .but il take it day at a time .
But feel a little relieved I can try

@Endgamenow One step at a time love. You've achieved that step today, you should be proud of yourself. x

Thank you moon woman 69
Just want to start again
Thanks for listening

Love your name lol

I got an appointment with doctor.I told her I was afraid disclosure would get me in a worse situation.
She listened typed a lot then stopped.
I thought ok I'm in this now no escaping .
She was curt and straight to the point .she said I probley have PTSD .I have now developed bad copeing
Habits which I realised recently ..she will help with a plan to cut down then detox at home with help of medication .I think it's librium .I have been referred to a alcohol support service and mental health charity .
I once again entered a shop with no plan or way to steal .bought what I required and left felt really good .
Totally different experience .felt light ,relieved and in the moment instead of frantic ,preoccupied and just awful.i now have lots of healthy fruit and veg ,spent less because I was aware of what I was buying and could enjoy just going in the world like a normal person.
Who knew that shopping would become a warzone .
Feel lot better but early days .
Hope anyone going through this can see it is possible to turn it around.
Sorry my posts are probley very repetitive
But real shoplifting is just that very thing

Your posts aren't repetitive at all - t's wonderful to hear you making steps in the right direction and having some better experiences. I hope you're able to feel hopeful about your situation now.

Do keep posting, even the uglier moments.

Well done, OP. Brilliant update.

Well done OP, you can be proud of yourself. One day at a time - you can do this. 💐

@Endgamenow You're doing it!!! Absolutely brilliant! I'm so glad you saw your doctor. The only way is up now! 💐

Aw thanks I'm really glad I was stopped last week this day last week I felt truly suicidal .now I feel so relieved it's over .I have not taken a single thing since and feel like my self respect is slowly building back .I left a glass of wine in the bottle last night .sounds silly but was an achievement for me .
I'm going to have 2 glasses tonight from a bottle and one tomorrow night and again night after and taper it down .I then have to contact Dr and she will support me detoxing fully .I'm delighted I could stop stealing and know if I can overcome this drink issue I'm on road to recovery and can grieve my lovely brother in a respectavile way which is everything he deserves .
Il never do any thing again it's broken my heart to know I was dragged down but something took over .
I have heard from amazing people this week and one person really helped by talking me through their experience which was so like mine .il never look down on anyone in that situation which I would have before .
Now I know there pain in these bad choices and it masks something deeper and too painful to acknowledge .
It's raining all day but I feel really sunny inside like I've let go of a horrible dream .thanks all for the support

That's absolutely brilliant to hear @Endgamenow and I think you've done so well.
It's a wake up call when something like this happens, it kind of jerks you back to reality and makes you realise what you need to do to get back out of it. Do keep letting us know how it's going please? I'm invested now! And I'm rooting for you. Wishing you nothing but the best 💐

Thank you moon woman 69 .I will for sure .
One week has made such a difference I want to close that door and lock it away forever.im so lucky I got the chance to start again .I was a hairs breath from being in really serious trouble .it's the shock I needed .
I honestly would have gotten more out of control I could feel that in my bones .
I dug my heels in and thought somehow I could keep doing it but I had a sick feeling last few weeks of impending doom and felt my world closing in .
You become the victim of your own crime which is bizzare but you have everything to lose for so little .
It's like stepping away from darkness you never thought you would experience .
My mental health recovery is now my new obsession .going to work my socks off to be able to look back and forgive myself as I would anyone else in this pain and try to be better .
Everyone is vulnerable to go to the edge
Il never forget that .
In some ways it will make me a kinder person .

It's wonderful to read your latest updates OP. You're doing so well. 💐