In trouble it's endgame

[Endgamenow]

In a bad state all my fault .This is my first ever post.
Feel so ashamed of myself.Yesterday I was banned from a retail shop.
Rightly so,as for around four months I have been stealing from various shops.It felt like a runnaway train and it has rightly crashed .
I already decided I needed help as it was a horrible compulsion .I have never stolen anything in my life before this episode.
Six months ago I lost my brother to suicide .
I found him and felt like part of me died with him.
I started to drink heavily at night and felt horrible the next day.I would go out to the shops to get out and not be home.
.It started suddenly ,I put a small item in my bag and for some reason I felt euphoric and that was the beginning of this spiral.
I would go out and take silly things with no need or use for them then return home and write down all the things I had stolen in a book.
I would then feel overwhelming shame and fear
But once again I would do it .It felt like someone else was doing it almost like an out of body feeling .
I am retired and live with my husband .
He would be mortified if he found out.
This will likely now happen as the shop I was banned from his cousin works in.
The shame is mine .
I now want to end my life .
If only I had listened to the voice screaming in my head to stop

Today was my first day in four months I did not steal.I woke up very depressed but decided to go out with my husband on errands and do it without stealing something .I dressed in a way I could not conceal anything and took just my bank card in my hand .
The weird thing is as I walked into a shop I would always take something from I felt light and relieved that I would not take anything.I got a real sense of relief to shop it like a normal person.I stood in a queue relaxed and relieved .I used to be known for finding a bargain but I stopped when this started .
I have so many useless items I bought while stealing silly things.I spend more whilst doing it than I ever have before .
I still feel horrific and guilty
But il never do that again.
Going to take it a day at a time and plan to replace the awful behaviour by doing more to be present in the world .ironically I hate shopping normaly
So what I did was so left field .
I still had moments today of to be honest feeling suicidel I tried to overcome the horrible sinking feeling .today is better a little bit so il keep trying .

Sorry my typing is awful

That’s amazing OP, you should feel really proud of yourself to have stopped the stealing now. That would have been so difficult to do.
I was wondering if it would help you to take the stolen items to a charity shop so at least some good would come of the difficult time you have been through?
Keep posting here if it helps 💐

Massive ✅ to you - blooming well done!

Look at your progress…this is incredible! Xx

The things I took were mainly things ,small food items
Like cheese ,chocolate and other items like shower gel ect.I would tell family I bought to many .
There are items in my home I'm going to remove like candles and things I have hidden away .I feel like I want to clear away my shame .
I really think it's a turning point now.
If it all gets out I don't know if I'm strong enough to face up to it.Thats my main worry .I'm not the person I used to be who could overcome lots of hard things.
Do not trust my own mind anymore and not sure it's
Going to get okay .
Thank you for responding really appreciate it .

You’ve done well today. That’s a real achievement.

take one day at a time. One step at a time.

Each day without stealing is an achievement in itself.

can you pledge to call your GP tomorrow, book an appointment?

Well done you!

I tried to get an appointment today but it's really difficult .I am going to ring on Monday .
I feel some relief I got through today .I did cry off and on in private .It's a day on day challenge for me now.
But means if I can do it I'm recovering.
I have had a drink tonight .
A bottle of wine .but I could easily drink another but I'm going to bed .It's a lot less than I want but I know I have to take cutting down slow and steady .
My brain does feel all bent out of shape.the highs I would get stealing will be hard to replace but of course that has to be done.
Thanks to anyone who responded

You are far more important than any stupid stuff youve stolen from shops.

Look after yourself. You need help and love and support. Youve had a terrible time.

Reach out, you deserve to be looked after.

Agreed. I know you are feeling ashamed but I really think it would help if you could tell your family. It must be so difficult dealing with this on your own and I’m sure they would offer you support if you could tell them.

Hello OP. 👋
I think you've turned a corner today. You're going in the right direction. Bear in mind that some days will be better than others.
Baby steps. Thinking of you. 🍀

How are you feeling today OP?

You have coped with an awful thing and alcohol was available to lean on. It isn't illegal to drink. It isn't illegal to drink to excess. It isn't illegal to be an alcoholic. Be proud that you've recognised it. The GP will want to support you and you need their support because detoxing from alcohol without medical support is unpleasant and it can be dangerous. The GP will be able to prescribe you medicine to reduce the side effects of detoxing.

The shoplifting isn't who you are. It's something you've done in a state of crisis. It's good that someone has stopped you. It means you can get support. Your GP will have seen this a lot.

If I knew you, I would happily have a coffee and a cake with you. I wouldn't be thinking badly of you. I wouldn't be judging you. People in hard times do things that are out of character. Today is a new day.

@Endgamenow I have pm'd you x

Hi I'm still really shaky .it's like I've snapped awake from being in some weird trance .I rang the store today to apologise and ask what is going to happen .it's the same manager who asked me to leave who answered .He said it was facewatch that flagged me as banned.He said he did not know why or how but I'm now on the system and alert is sent when I entered he sees a picture come up and compares it to the person .in my case it was correct.
I admitted it to him .He was very kind and said it happens daily and he will ban the customer regardless .
I told him I will never enter the store again and I was sorry .
I'm now on this system with various different shops.
I accept that but it's going to be difficult if I'm with family .il be asked to leave .
I'm not sure which shop use this?i agree that it's correct for me to not be allowed to enter but il never steal again.il be on the system for 2 years .
I would love to have a clean slate but il accept that it's my fault.
Just sad and guilty .

Moon woman 69 I have sent a pm xx

🤗

Thank you lougle .I have helped my dh with withdrawing from heavy drinking at different times and I've seen the affects.i was just a social drinker before my brother died but was unable to be around people in a normal way since.
I count down the hours till it's time to open my wine.
But it got earlier and I started adding more as well.as soon as I drink the first glass my shoulders drop and the knot in stomach loosens a little .
Nights I try not to drink I'm awake most of the night thinking about my brother .
I'm going to reach out to doctor and I am thinking of telling my husband .
I feel like a fraud doing what I did with him oblivious.sometimes he was with me when I stole.
I'm still on fence as he has issues with addiction and could spiral if he knew .
He's doing just about okay which is good spot sure if it's the right thing
God how is this my life now

OP, what you have been doing is obviously wrong, but you already know that. You don't sound like a bad person to me at all, you sound like someone who is quite unwell and in need of help. I really hope that you are able to access that help, and that your family are able to show you the grace and compassion that you need while you are trying to get better.

It is wrong no question about it .at minute it's like unraveling the last 4 months and the more I look back the worse it is .I'm shocked to realise my mental health is this way .I have no excuse not even my brother's suicide .if I said it was because of that it's wrong because there is no excuse.
But I know I feel different .my brain just feels like it's
Blurry and I can't think straight.
I need a few clear days of no drinking to really judge
If that has been the big trigger.
I don't trust my own brain anymore

The thing is, OP, you don't need an excuse.

You wouldn't need an excuse if you were physically unwell , and you don't need an excuse for being mentally unwell. Nobody does.

It sounds like you've been through a lot. That takes its toll, and sometimes our coping strategies turn out to be unhealthy ones.

But this is temporary. You can get help, and you can come out of the other side. This is not who you are.

Thank you .going to put all my effort into getting this sorted .wish I could see forward and it's okay.
I'm worried as I'm already on antidepressents have been for few months and it could be masking something worse .
At one point I wondered if I was manic but I have no other signs of that.
There have been family members who have had quite serious issues with various different mental healthbut I suppose most family's do ? I also had an uncle who took his life.
Worried it's start of a ongoing issue.
If I can basically go clean and get on top of drinking
Il have bit more hope

You sound like you're doing a really good job of facing up to the state of things and trying to make a good go of it. However awful this feels, remember it's just stuff and you haven't done anything dangerous or hurt anyone. So many people with escalating alcohol issues end up in car accidents/getting pulled over. Imagine how much worse the shame of that could be, and that's without taking into account the horrors of potentially injuring someone (or worse). Your situation is much more manageable and honestly, much more forgivable by the people around you. It's a small mess caused by really tragic circumstances and it's all going to be OK.

Please read back through this thread every time you feel the temptation of suicide rear it's head.

And don't be surprised if the urge to steal does come back at times - it doesn't mean you have failed, it's just the nature of the beast you're dealing with.

Wishing you all the best.

I have had a really nice day .bit surreal.normally I wake up focused on being anywhere but home .
I would crave going to a shop, any shop just to do
What I had to to feel fixed .I would go into auto pilot
Walk into a shop not look at anyone ,feel highly anxious but bit high all in to be fair .scan each aisle
Is it empty is anyone walking behind ? Is the person in front going to turn around .I became amazeing at reading body language ,I knew the best spots to conceal my items .It was all hectic and frantic .if an aisle was empty I would take any silly things not really observing it .as soon as felt I got a high I was then buying anything to cover what I'd done .I would leave with nothing for dinner and weird items instead like vitamins I had no idea what they were for,jars of products I had no use for like protein shakes which took some explaining to my dh when I got in car .
Did make me chuckle a little then home to write it down then panic and sickly sinking feeling would kick in .
Today I went to a shop ,took not one item .looked everyone in the eye ,bought just what I needed and felt like a normal human being .
Came home got a high from being a descent person
Feels so much better

That’s amazing. Well done 💐