In a bad state all my fault .This is my first ever post.
Feel so ashamed of myself.Yesterday I was banned from a retail shop.
Rightly so,as for around four months I have been stealing from various shops.It felt like a runnaway train and it has rightly crashed .
I already decided I needed help as it was a horrible compulsion .I have never stolen anything in my life before this episode.
Six months ago I lost my brother to suicide .
I found him and felt like part of me died with him.
I started to drink heavily at night and felt horrible the next day.I would go out to the shops to get out and not be home.
.It started suddenly ,I put a small item in my bag and for some reason I felt euphoric and that was the beginning of this spiral.
I would go out and take silly things with no need or use for them then return home and write down all the things I had stolen in a book.
I would then feel overwhelming shame and fear
But once again I would do it .It felt like someone else was doing it almost like an out of body feeling .
I am retired and live with my husband .
He would be mortified if he found out.
This will likely now happen as the shop I was banned from his cousin works in.
The shame is mine .
I now want to end my life .
If only I had listened to the voice screaming in my head to stop