Is the relationship with SIL now broken for good? Navigating no contact.

[DaringMember]

I am 6 months postpartum and struggling. I’ve had a very difficult postpartum experience, including significant mental health challenges and trauma around my baby’s birth, failure to breastfeed and early medical issues. During this time, I’ve felt that my SIL has been critical of some very sensitive areaas including my birth (which involved interventions and ultimately an emergency caeser), formula feeding, and my experience of postnatal depression. Whether intentional or not, those comments have landed as dismissive and invalidating when I was already vulnerable.

Recently, she had her own baby, and everything went smoothly for her. Perfect no intervention natural birth, instant bonding and breastfeeding and healthy baby. After a few days I responded and congratulated her, but I’ve also been dealing with a lot of complicated emotions—grief, comparison, and hurt. I reached a point where I felt I needed to step back to protect my mental health, and I sent her a message explaining that. Some of you may have also seen my post in AIBU re the wedding.

Her response was brief, along the lines of “I’m sorry you feel that way, all the best.” It felt quite final and lacking in acknowledgment of my experience. I replied more emotionally, explaining some of what I’ve been going through, but she hasn’t responded since.

Now I’m left feeling rejected, embarrassed, vulnerable and unsure if I’ve made things worse, especially as this affects the wider family dynamic.

My main question is: is a relationship like this repairable after it reaches this point, or does that kind of response usually signal a permanent distance? I’m open to reconciliation in the future, but I also don’t want to keep putting myself in a position where I feel hurt or dismissed.

I do get hoping that you'd be close if there are cousins of a similar age, that can be a nice thing when it works out. SIL is not one of your safe people though.

I agree with some PPs that you sound really unwell and this isn't really about SIL. Your mind/depression is taking things she's said and what you imagine to be her smooth/perfect situation with her DC and using it to monster you with these extreme dark thoughts. This is something for your psychiatrist and therapist to help you medicate and manage your way through, not something to feed the fixation with on here by getting us all to pore over everything she says or does. The very best thing she's done is take a step back and leave you alone. It won't be easy but you absolutely need to stop thinking about SIL and take care of your own MH and your DC.

I don’t understand, after everything you’ve said that she has said, why do you want a relationship with her? I assume it’s DH sister? You still haven’t said where he is in all of this…

i have said that about myself too. Thank god we have such evolved healthcare, without it both me and my first child would have been dead. A lot of the things you have said that your SIL has said can be interpreted in a much less negative way, but you have created this strange idea that you and her are on the same set of scales and if something goes well for her that means something goes bad for you and the scales tip down. This is what has caused your obesession with her I think and why you hold her responsible for everything bad that is happening to you. You two are not linked. People can have good things happening to them without it having a negative impact on how things go for you.

Please go to your GP about your mental health.

It sounds like you are struggling with a lot of grief for different things - the birth and postpartum experience, the diagnosis of your lovely baby, and maybe of other supportive family relationships too? Its understandable that you feel resentment and perhaps envy there.
Do try to take a step back from that SIL and develop other positive and supportive friendships and relationships and activities or groups or holidays to enjoy your own little family and devote your focus to your DD.

OP you sound unwell and as though you are really fixated on your SIL. You asked to step back she replied in a perfectly reasonable way giving you that space.

Now you need to use that space to stop thinking about her, her kids and other family members. Do things for you and your own little nuclear family - and most importantly yourself. Use your therapy sessions to stop going over the birth and the differences and move forward without all the introspection on past events.

Your SIL does not have your best interests at heart. She does not care for you at all. Please don’t dwell on her or her baby or the words that come out of her mouth.

Please restart your medication. You said they made your mouth very dry, go back to whoever gave you the prescription and ask if you can try something else. But please take meds, you’re not coping without them.

Lots of women have c sections, or bottlefeed, or do other things that people might not see as ‘perfect’. But those things are perfect because a baby is born and a baby is fed. What can be more perfect than that?

I also wouldn’t be here without medical intervention. Lots of people wouldn’t. We are very lucky to live in a world of doctors, surgeons, NHS, operations, medications.

Concentrate on your meds, your therapy, your baby and yourself.

this exactly. You are going through a tough time and whilst she clearly is not the most sensitive person in the world she isn't necessarily going out her way to be nasty. Going no contact will have a huge impact on your family and your partner. Keep your distance but focus on fixing yourself and getting the help you need.

I think you'd be best served putting her aside as a distant future issue and concentrate on your mental health, your treatment plan, and your baby.

OP love and enjoy your baby, give lots of cuddles.

Take no notice of SIL and put on your deaf ears so anything she says/does you don't know about. Further down the line her 'perfect' life will end and she will encounter lots of problems. That is what happens in life.

Your lovely beautiful baby is everything to you and your DH. In a while how she was brought into this world, how she was fed, all your early pain, will fade and will not matter. Build a loving bond with your baby and plough happy thoughts into your days.

Op I agree with those telling you to stepn away from social media and get better…
with every post the things you say she said are ramping up and getting more and more evil and twisted.
so now she also actually used the words
you should've just bled out in hospital and home births are superior.
My SIL said something similar when my DH got me a push present. She said well you didnt push so you dont deserve it!
Breast is best, I preferred to starve my baby then give them trashy formula
You went to the hospital too early which is why you were tricked into the cascade of intervention and had an inferior birth and no attachment to baby
Your baby is wrinkly, probably from the caeser
The mental health people are tricking you into thinking you need medication and something wrong with you when what you are feeling is NORMAL
when did she get the chance to say all that to you?

We only have OP’s word for it that her SIL said these things. On the basis of this and the other threads I think a lot of this is OP’s own insecurities and she’s projecting. Clearly she needs therapy and support but her behaviour is quite immature and attention seeking.

They all sound like the words/thoughts of someone who is extremely mentally unwell. No normal person is saying all these things, even if they are a complete bitch.

I agree with you. Based on previous threads it’s quite obvious that OP is embellishing the language used to fit with how her brain heard it. I very much doubt her SIL has suddenly gone from somewhat distant to downright cruel.

Sounds like the poor cow can’t win. You only heard about her labour in vague terms, but equally you feel jealous that her experience was easier than yours. Would you really be happier knowing more details about her easier experience?

youve just contacted a new mum saying you want space, and she’s acknowledged your message and not hounded you for details or pushed for acceptance.

what do you really want from her, apart from her to have an awful time?

She’s not your friend she’s a person who
either married your sibling or yoi
Married her brother

So you think im in psychosis?

I have no idea, but I do think you are taking your SILs words and twisting them into something much worse than what she has been saying and I do think that you have become fixated on her.

Yes its possible my brain has gone that way
I hate myself so her criticisms hit hard.
Is the relationship fixable?

I just want to be treated with respect and not have my motherhood criticised as I am already so fragile.

That is true
I regret being so honest and vulnerable with her
Our DHs are brothers

Don't focus on if it's fixable. That is not the critically important thing right now. Right now you need to get well. When you are well, then you can look to other things, But even trying to 'fix' it now still puts the focus on her and your grievances with her.

Can you contact your MH team tomorrow first thing? (Or even today) Please please do. x

Where is your DH in all this? Does he understand how sick you are at the moment and is he supportive?

Give her the same consideration re your criticism of her.-
agree with pp, you need to get support with your mental health at present.
you also seem to think your SIL has no agency in this, and when YOU decide the relationship can go ahead again, SIL will be on board?

It might be but you shouldn’t even think about that as a priority right now. Put SIL completely to the side for now. Focus on your mental health so that you can be the best parent to your child. Your DH can handle the relationship with his family in the meantime. Your confidence as a parent is so low right now that any little comment devastates you. You need to fix you before you fix external relationships.