Is the relationship with SIL now broken for good? Navigating no contact.

[DaringMember]

I am 6 months postpartum and struggling. I’ve had a very difficult postpartum experience, including significant mental health challenges and trauma around my baby’s birth, failure to breastfeed and early medical issues. During this time, I’ve felt that my SIL has been critical of some very sensitive areaas including my birth (which involved interventions and ultimately an emergency caeser), formula feeding, and my experience of postnatal depression. Whether intentional or not, those comments have landed as dismissive and invalidating when I was already vulnerable.

Recently, she had her own baby, and everything went smoothly for her. Perfect no intervention natural birth, instant bonding and breastfeeding and healthy baby. After a few days I responded and congratulated her, but I’ve also been dealing with a lot of complicated emotions—grief, comparison, and hurt. I reached a point where I felt I needed to step back to protect my mental health, and I sent her a message explaining that. Some of you may have also seen my post in AIBU re the wedding.

Her response was brief, along the lines of “I’m sorry you feel that way, all the best.” It felt quite final and lacking in acknowledgment of my experience. I replied more emotionally, explaining some of what I’ve been going through, but she hasn’t responded since.

Now I’m left feeling rejected, embarrassed, vulnerable and unsure if I’ve made things worse, especially as this affects the wider family dynamic.

My main question is: is a relationship like this repairable after it reaches this point, or does that kind of response usually signal a permanent distance? I’m open to reconciliation in the future, but I also don’t want to keep putting myself in a position where I feel hurt or dismissed.

I've just read the comments she made to you - I wouldn't want a relationship with your SIL.

She sounds vile and has deliberately said these things to hurt you.

I wouldn't want a relationship with her at all.

Could you ever say something like that to a post-partum woman??

I don't think you'll ever get an apology as I don't think she has any empathy and I don't think you should be around someone like that.

I am sure your therapist has said this but your SIL is talking absolute rubbish.

If she said all those things, who on earth would you want any relationship with her at all?
Tell her to get stuffed.

Did other people not comment on the things she said to you?

I mean from what you've described it sounds like she's been very unsympathetic and made lots of nasty comments about your situation. People's personalities never change and I don't think you opening up your vulnerabilities to her is going to turn her into a kinder person.

You have to work with the person you have. I think her listening to your message that you are backing off and accepting it is probably the best you're going to get from her.

You need to let this go and enjoy your baby.
Does it matter what your SIL says about the birth and formula feeding? Why do you feel you need her to validate your feelings.
You said you were stepping back then followed up with an emotional text when SIL sent an appropriate response. You are giving her far too much head space, move on.

Your depression is going to be warping everything so it’s best that she just gave a short unemotional reply and has now disengaged. Whatever she’s said or done, making her the voice of your depression is not helpful to you and you need to focus on yourself and your baby and getting well. The relationship with SIL will not help. Be glad that line of contact has gone quiet and use whatever tools your therapist can give you to stop feeding that SIL voice and move forward.

@DaringMember every time you post about your sister in law her reported comments get more and more extreme.

you told her you wanted space from her. She’s said ok. Take the space and concentrate on your recovery because you do sound as if you need some time and some external help.

They just try to comfort me after the fact as they are non confrontation and my SIL has strong opinions. They also probably want to stick with her as she has the newer baby

I was thinking this too. Every thread the comments her SIL made seem to get worse and more unbelievable.

You have told her to leave you alone - she is leaving you alone.

Turns out what you ACTUALLY want is her to grovel to you. She isn’t going to do that.

OP you are clearly very unwell and not in a rational headspace. Engage with your mental health support, focus on caring for yourself and your baby. Stop hyper-focussing on your SIL and seeking validation online.

Yes this. You are obviously not quite rational right now. I am so glad you have therapy and are on medication. You are hyper focusing on your SIL and it's not healthy. Please step away and focus only on you, your baby and your recovery. This dwelling on her is just putting you through a negative spiral.

Why are you and your sil so entrenched in each other’s lives? If you want space you should wean yourself off her. You are an adult, there is no reason you should be privy to her every thought or her privy to your every decision.

I think a lot of people have this kind of just world idea where they believe that if they open up enough about their vulnerabilities or explain their pain well enough it can make someone unempathetic or cruel start to sympathise with them. The worst thing that you can do is make yourself vulnerable to someone treating you badly. It rarely kindles any kindness in a mean person and you just feel far worse in yourself.

What you need to do is put it these people on an information diet and shut down any nasty comments without trying to justify yourself.

You are right
I need to work on sharing less
If I hadn't told her I was in labour etc then I could've just said I delivered vaginally
And if I kept more distance I could've said I exclusively breastfeed
Things are hard right now
My baby has been diagnosed with a syndrome which drastically reduces her quality of life and lifespan
I feel terrible being jealous but I am so so jealous of beautiful healthy baby

You sound obsessed with her. You told her to give you space, she said ok. Did you want her to beg you to change your mind? I imagine she is a bit done with the drama….

You need to work on letting this go for your sake and your baby’s. The only person suffering right now is you and it’s your thoughts that are causing you the suffering.
You and sil are not friends, you asked her to leave you alone and she agreed to and wished you well. Work on getting yourself better and in time things will settle and you may well reach a point where you are civil with each other.
Dont try to force anyone else to change their behaviour or not have a relationship including your dh.

That diagnosis sounds absolutely devastating OP and I'm sorry to hear it. It's good that you're seeing a counsellor. I think you need to really lean into the positive avenues of support in order to get through this and completely grey rock people like SIL.

All these posts focusing on SIL is not helpful to your recovery. You’ve spent time in a mental health unit for post natal depression.

Focus on your little family and you getting better. Get out for a walk. An activity. Put your SIL out of your life and mind.

I think you have an addiction to her too. It’s not healthy. Regardless of who is right and wrong ( and if you are a reliable historian then her comments have been awful) rehashing it online is not useful at all. You are feeding your addiction and impeding your recovery.

You have a therapist and mental health team. I hope you’ve discussed this obsession with SIL with them and your hurt from the relationship.

Becoming a parent first, second or tenth time is a huge thing. There is no set of rules or commandments about what things should look like, how you should feel and what you should do.

Look after yourself and speak to your partner. This is really early doors for you in the whole lifelong saga of navigating parenthood and family life. Don't try and make big decisions while you are this exhausted and this fraught. Take the space you asked for, get some proper help and medication and see how you feel in a few months. Nothing is insurmountable even if it feels like it now.

I would imagine it is perfectly repairable.

One of the things about PPD is perceiving offence where none is intended. If she say’s a CS matters she’s being a bitch, and if she says it doesn’t you’ll think she’s patronizing you.

Similar with the text what could she actually have said that would have been OK for you, given your current difficulties?

It seems you have put yourself into competition with her, and I think things will improve, once you yourself truly understand there is no competition. She is having an easy time of it now - that’s not a reflection on you.

She will get to that point too, and these fraught months will disappear.

Honestly the relationship will repair, but focus on getting better first.

I am so so sorry. That’s awful for you and your family.

Where is your DH in all this? What does he think?

You told her to leave you alone, so she is.

you then cannot expect her to come grovelling, which is what you now expect. Op make your mind up, she’s just had a baby too nether of you have time for drama.

What do you want from her exactly???
an apology? An acknowledgement that you have had it harder than her?

Oh you poor darling - you are in the grips of a terrible mental health crisis triggered by a traumatic birth experience. Your SIL may have been insensitive but you've made so many totally unlikely comments associated with babies delivered vaginally rather than by CS being more valued that it's clear these are in your mind ( psychosis?) rather than reality. You should try to step outside the situation and see that your trauma is causing you to have a

warped view of the world. You sound as though you need to blame someone and it's fallen upon your unfortunate SIL. Focus on yourself, your baby and DH ( who must also be traumatised) and recovery - not her - she's clearly adopted a grey rock strategy so as not to escalate the situation - she will be exhausted post partum with 2 kids. Focus on your recovery - it will get better. Avoid your SIL for now and focus on your recovery and child. Do you and don't compare yourself to others.

This, op tells her SIL to stay away, she wants nothing to do with her, she damaging to her…
SIL replies “sorry you feel that way, all the best”…
op then sends a big emotional message telling the SIL how awful she is and is then surprised SIL doesn’t beg to be allowed to l be left hanging and at some point regain contact, when op allows it of course.