Is the relationship with SIL now broken for good? Navigating no contact.

[DaringMember]

I am 6 months postpartum and struggling. I’ve had a very difficult postpartum experience, including significant mental health challenges and trauma around my baby’s birth, failure to breastfeed and early medical issues. During this time, I’ve felt that my SIL has been critical of some very sensitive areaas including my birth (which involved interventions and ultimately an emergency caeser), formula feeding, and my experience of postnatal depression. Whether intentional or not, those comments have landed as dismissive and invalidating when I was already vulnerable.

Recently, she had her own baby, and everything went smoothly for her. Perfect no intervention natural birth, instant bonding and breastfeeding and healthy baby. After a few days I responded and congratulated her, but I’ve also been dealing with a lot of complicated emotions—grief, comparison, and hurt. I reached a point where I felt I needed to step back to protect my mental health, and I sent her a message explaining that. Some of you may have also seen my post in AIBU re the wedding.

Her response was brief, along the lines of “I’m sorry you feel that way, all the best.” It felt quite final and lacking in acknowledgment of my experience. I replied more emotionally, explaining some of what I’ve been going through, but she hasn’t responded since.

Now I’m left feeling rejected, embarrassed, vulnerable and unsure if I’ve made things worse, especially as this affects the wider family dynamic.

My main question is: is a relationship like this repairable after it reaches this point, or does that kind of response usually signal a permanent distance? I’m open to reconciliation in the future, but I also don’t want to keep putting myself in a position where I feel hurt or dismissed.

Respectfully, OP, you need help. I know you had a long inpatient admission, and you have a psychiatrist involved, but you clearly need more help than you’re getting. You’re projecting your own guilt and self-hatred onto your SIL. I was on your other threads where you blame her for attending a family wedding when heavily pregnant, and for ‘making’ you go to hospital because she was at your house when you went into labour.

You were wishing her a traumatic birth long before she had her baby, resenting her for using your baby shower decorations, telling other family members not to update you on her pregnancy.

You blame her for your CS, and for not visiting you when you were an inpatient, even though you hate her and can’t possibly have wanted to see her. You resent her healthy child and having living parents.

Now you’ve told her you need space, and she’s acknowledged and accepted it, and is respecting your decision. And you’re resenting that, too.

Forget about your SIL. Focus on recovering.

She sounds like a really insensitive person who winds you up. You sound understandably sensitive to her opinions. I think you have to accept shes not going to change and find a way to navigate the relationship based on realistic expectations. She won’t give you the emotional support or even the empathy you would like. I would reduce your involvement and contact with her but, as your husbands family sound unlike to choose you if you force them to pick sides, I wouldn’t dramatically cut all contact and your child may benefit in the long run from a relationship with cousins. But yeah, stop messaging her and stop hoping she will be nice to you. She won’t.

I have just gone back and read your other posts and respectfully you need to stop obsessing over your SIL. You seem to be focusing on her more than yourself and your daughter.
some of your comments are really concerning and you seem to be blaming your SIL for all of your problems. I am sorry you had a difficult birth BUT the end goal is to deliver a healthy baby. It doesn’t really matter how you got from A to B but you seem more concerned that you didn’t get the “perfect” birth experience and didn’t get the “perfect” breastfeeding experience. Why is that? You have a beautiful baby and yet you say you feel nothing. You need to speak to your mental health professionals (and start taking your medication again as YOU NEED IT! And that’s coming from someone who takes antidepressants. My medication helps me regulate my emotions and feel like “me”.)

Respectfully just forget about your SIL because she isn’t thinking about you and has her own new baby to focus on. Stop messaging her, stop looking for validation, an apology, empathy ect from her as she has her own post partum journey to deal with. You appear to be wanting drama….unfollowing her but now overthinking it? No you wanted a reaction which you haven’t gotten. You expected her to react or contact you asking why you unfollowed her but she won’t care as she has better things to deal with than your obsession. Get some help for your mental health and take a step back from her and focus on your child!

She sounds like an opinionated judgemental cow and I wouldn’t want a relationship with her either. She’s not going to suddenly see the error of her ways and apologise though, it’s who she is. You’ll make yourself feel worse pursuing one or trying to make other family members take sides or give you reassurance. Just don’t contact her again and be blank if family are discussing her.

OP your depression sounds severe and I am sorry to hear that.

In your present state I dont think you should be making decisions about going no contact or sending emails to the family/SIL. You are under stress and your confusion is evident in sending messages about stepping back yet feeling emotionally battered and rejected when they do just that. You really just need to step back and focus on yourself and your baby and let your husband handle all interaction with family. When you have strong feelings about SIL write them down - but dont send - and then delete later. This will help and I am surprised your therapist is not encouraging this. Do you think you might need a different therapist to help you move forward?

You need to get to a place where you can hear her opinions but recognise that they are simply opinions, not facts and none of your business.

OP l haven't read your previous posts but it's obvious you are struggling and confused as well as being obsessed with your SILS opinion. Please try to forget about her and concentrate on yourself, your baby and your recovery. It doesn't matter what she says or the opinions she holds, what matters is that you get better and put all your energies into your recovery and nurturing your baby.
There is no such thing as a perfect birth and no one in their right mind would let their baby starve if they couldn't breast feed which us allegedly one of her comments! There are many reasons why a baby might struggle with breastfeeding and to say otherwise is sheer ignorance. Fed is best by whatever means.
Stay low or no contact and just concentrate on you and your little girl. That's what matters, not your SILS opinion.

I had both mine by elective c-section and would choose that every time. Why are you so harsh on c-sections and on yourself for having one?

Probably the environment i live in with people with opinions like my sister in laws
I wish I could be at peace with it
I support other section mums but for some reason hate myself

Well, you need to work on that, OP. I hear you in that my mild disappointment at not being able to have a vaginal birth with what I knew would be my only child was made much worse by then not being able to breastfeed (supply never established beyond a trickle despite two months of trying), to the point where, when a friend of a friend asked, months later, where I’d given birth, and someone I’d never met before leaned across a dinner table and said ‘I have to correct you there — you didn’t ’give birth’’, I lost my temper and she ended up in tears. But no one can forgive you except yourself.

Accept she's a fucking bitch and move on. My dc don't have aunts or cousins. They manage more than fine.
You give her too much head space.. Your dc arrived safe and well and is being fed...
Her poor baby has her for a dm.
Luckily your baby has you.

You sound rather unwell to me. I hope you are able to access the help you need.

Yep i wouldn't speak to her again to be honest. What evil things to say.
However you need to be kind to yourself and forgive yourself. Women previously would have died in childbirth. Some births are easier than others but it can be traumatic and you didn't do anything wrong and you need to hear that over and over again.

Thanks
I am still quite unwell but have the right professional supports

She said something about evolution and how my daughter and I would be dead
Since then I can't shake feeling god or the universe or whatever didnt intend for us to live which is why everything subsequent is also horribly wrong

What a horrible thing for her to say! My SIL said something similar when my DH got me a push present. She said well you didnt push so you dont deserve it! With what ive been through i feel I do.....

Many horror stories here of (mostly) women not being tolerant of the different choices of other women. Very poor and unedifying show.

With situations where you don’t ‘gel’ but need to get along for other reasons (cousin contact is important, as you say) I think it’s helpful to change expectations. You probably won’t ever be close friends but you can rub along ok at social events etc. and chat superficially.

That would be my (revised) aim.

The discourse around natural birth and overmedicalisation and breastfeeding is often very toxic. It has the potential to really harm the mental health of new mums and I'm not condoning it but I can also see how some people like SIL can become really dogmatic and mean about it too.

Definitely keep up with the information diet here OP.

OP this SIL is the mum of your child's cousins and part of your family. Even if she's massively insensitive then you need to find a way of being confident enough in yourself to let her awful comments not affect you.

You need to focus on getting well yourself and working on your jealousy. This is what you need to focus on in therapy. This level of jealousy and resentment doesnt serve you or your family well at all.

Stop thinking about her and focus on yourself and growing into your situation.

Best of luck xxx

I may have missed something, but she's your SIL, so how often would you see her? Two or three times a year? I know some sisters-in-law do get on well but it's not compulsory. So if the two of you don't particularly "click", then just keep it polite at family gatherings but, otherwise simply forget about her. I'm not sure you really need deep analysis of and agonising over "the relationship".

I'd love to hear the sister in laws version of events.
You sound very very unwell and I think your sil has become the focus for all your angst. Have you told the health professionals trying to help you about your feelings towards your s?

I would not care what anyone said about c-sections, I was very happy with my choice. Try to remember your SIL doesn’t spend a single second concerning herself about what you think of her choices, so try and take a leaf out of her book and stop being concerned about what she thinks about yours. Can you ever imagine your SiL saying she was worried you don’t approve of her choices or do you think it’s more likely she doesn’t care what you think and just carries on. Try to do the same ❤️

You could say, well you push me to my limit SiL so I do deserve it!

Seriously OP you need to stop putting so much weight on what she says. She is no one special, she just happens to be your SiL, a bog standard person, not a VIP, not a world leader, not the world’s richest person, she’s not curing cancer or bringing world peace. She’s just a person who pisses, shits, burps, farts, goes to the supermarket, watches tv and all the other mundane stuff humans do, she doesn’t bleed blue blood or flies with wings instead of walking. She is not a more worthy human than you. ❤️

It was just someone being a bit of a bitch under the guise of ‘accuracy’, and not important in the scheme of things, though I bit her head off at the time, because it landed on the raw.

With hindsight, it was because I wasn’t ok with it myself yet.

Her response was brief, along the lines of “I’m sorry you feel that way, all the best.”

manna from heaven! She's done the hard work for you.

I'd focus on your baby and take the pressure off yourself trying to build a relationship she clearly doesn't vale.

I have given birth both ways and the caesarean was so much harder! I have no idea why anyone thinks it’s the “easy” option. And I had a caesarean because my first “natural” birth was traumatic!

Kindly, you do sound unwell, OP. You are giving this woman and her opinions far too much headspace. So what if she thinks these things - it doesn’t make them true.

I hope you get the help you need, OP.