Is the relationship with SIL now broken for good? Navigating no contact.

[DaringMember]

I am 6 months postpartum and struggling. I’ve had a very difficult postpartum experience, including significant mental health challenges and trauma around my baby’s birth, failure to breastfeed and early medical issues. During this time, I’ve felt that my SIL has been critical of some very sensitive areaas including my birth (which involved interventions and ultimately an emergency caeser), formula feeding, and my experience of postnatal depression. Whether intentional or not, those comments have landed as dismissive and invalidating when I was already vulnerable.

Recently, she had her own baby, and everything went smoothly for her. Perfect no intervention natural birth, instant bonding and breastfeeding and healthy baby. After a few days I responded and congratulated her, but I’ve also been dealing with a lot of complicated emotions—grief, comparison, and hurt. I reached a point where I felt I needed to step back to protect my mental health, and I sent her a message explaining that. Some of you may have also seen my post in AIBU re the wedding.

Her response was brief, along the lines of “I’m sorry you feel that way, all the best.” It felt quite final and lacking in acknowledgment of my experience. I replied more emotionally, explaining some of what I’ve been going through, but she hasn’t responded since.

Now I’m left feeling rejected, embarrassed, vulnerable and unsure if I’ve made things worse, especially as this affects the wider family dynamic.

My main question is: is a relationship like this repairable after it reaches this point, or does that kind of response usually signal a permanent distance? I’m open to reconciliation in the future, but I also don’t want to keep putting myself in a position where I feel hurt or dismissed.

Probably not repairable in the sense that it'll be exactly the same as before, but if you put in the effort you may be able to get back to an amicable place.

It is a bit off to have unloaded all that onto a very newly postpartum woman. Even if everything went smoothly for her, postpartum is still an emotional and hard time. She's probably not up to considering another persons complicated feelings right now.

I think you’re struggling and this has led you to being a bit unfair to her. Nobody really gets what individuals are going through and it doesn’t sound like she was outright mean or horrible to you. Just insensitive but in all honesty, it’s best not to expect people to validate you in general because they will usually disappoint. I also think you had some expectations of how she’d react to your message and validate you or be ashamed of herself etc and when she didn’t give you what you wanted (understandably as you’ve basically just told her she’s insensitive and doesn’t get what you’ve gone through with your message) you’re now even more upset with her.

I think you need to focus on yourself and building your own resilience and that is very hard but will set you up much better than letting other people’s behaviour and reactions determine your feelings.

What exactly did you put in your message? You have given the gist of it and her exact words when she replied.

I think her reply is good. You have made a decision and her responding in an emotional way isn’t going to help you. That is what I would have thought if I were her.

I haven’t read your other thread.

Why burn bridges with your SIL?

From your message it’s hard to see what she’s done wrong really. You’ve both been through a challenging time - even having a ‘perfect’ birth is exhausting as are the early days with a new baby for both of you.

Why not just keep things low key for now and appreciate the fact that your child will have a cousin close to their age that they can have lots of fun with in years to come.

She is the type of person that thinks myself and my baby are inferior because she was delivered via section and formula fed. Im so depressed that her voice feeds my depression. But yes feel bad for splitting up the cousins

If you heard the things she has said to me over the last 6 months, you'd think off too. There was an incident at a wedding about two wreks ago where she said all sorts of horrible things about my birth. I held off on retaliating but ive been down since. I waited until baby safely delivered before cutting her off

When i told my therapist I felt bad about saying the truth to this woman who just had a baby, she said well you just had a baby too

From what you've told us you told her that you needed to step back for mental health reasons and I think accepting that message at face value is a reasonable thing to do. OP it's not a good idea to say one thing but then expect for people to guess that you really want people to beg and plead with you to reconsider.

Whilst it sounds like this woman has been insensitive I don't think that you have realistic expectations of her, she's not going to be supporting you in your mental health, you need to seek that elsewhere.

I thought on your last thread you had cut her off before the birth and asked to not be updated on when the baby was born?

Either way, I don't think she's that bothered about being "cut off". Just focus on yourself and recovering from your PPD

This is your 3rd or 4th thread on this SIL.
your 1st was awful about her and her child.

you tried to make demands on your husbands family about her not being discussed around you. And insisting you were going nc, but contact would be restarted when you wanted.

whats changed?

Awful how?
I just asked for no updates from family
But when she herself sent me the update I decided to respond to let her know I was taking space, so she couldnt reframe the narrative.
Also I feel sick that she knew every detail of my birth and was even there during the early labour, yet I find out about her perfect one later in vague terms. Why can't I be mysterious.

Give it time. Focus on yourself for now. Limit contact until you feel better.

I too had a bad birth ending in EMCS, husband traumatised by it , reflux dairy allergic baby who couldnt latch due to severe tongue tie, terrible sleeper (still at 2.5) so believe me I know the dreadful shock when nothing is as you thought it'd be. As a steady person pre baby the post partum hormones hit me like a yon of bricks to my shock. It was awful.

I too had comments and insensitive moments from family, and your SIL was a judgy fool making you feel bad PP when she herself hasn't been through it yet. And I'm sure it feels like supreme irony that she's had an "easy" time. But it very much the wrong time to unload on her. She's welcomed a new baby, post partum and despite everything going to plan fir her, a first baby is a huge shift no matter what.

Give it a bit of time and visit with your husband perhaps, but try to just focus on the babies and not compare or let her compare.

Why can’t you be mysterious? Because you clearly are telling all and sundry your business. Why was she there at your early labour? You’ve now poured your feelings out and possibly given her more “ammunition”.

Maybe she felt it was ok to share those opinions as you said C-section are invalid births?

It’s hard to be on your side because you are not saying what it is she supposedly dine to hurt you. Just that she has said bad things. She is doing what you asked of her though. You only know about her baby in vague terms because you asked for no updates. You then told her that you are distancing yourself from her, she responded appropriately, and then you send her a longer and more emotional message expecting her to respond. The way it’s looking, she can’t win with you. You ask for space, she gives it to you, you get pissed off that she’s given you space.

What comments has she actually made?
when you write ‘she’s the type of person who thinks..’ I’m immediately drawn to that thought of no one knows what another person thinks.

her response to you is cautious, polite and basically avoiding engaging - so no bridges burnt. Which in your state of mind is probably the best place to leave it don’t you think?

Its her second baby

Why do you need to split up the cousins? That's a bit extreme.

The time immediately before and after birth are always fraught. If these were each your first babies, both of you were dealing with new emotions, fear, hope, excitement, the weight of family expectations.
Neither of you really knew how to handle how you would feel.
You had a difficult birth and she, not having been through delivering a baby herself, reacted perhaps insensitively but without a clue what she was talking about. You were upset and said so. She responded neutrally which was the best thing to do, and also because she was about to give birth.
Then she had her baby, but for you to say she had the perfect birth because she delivered vaginally and has established breast feeding is equally insensitive,
By that measure I had the perfect birth, yet that involved 42 hours of labour, a tear that had to be stitched twice and then weeks of bleeding nipples and a painful bout of thrush. People do not share every medical detail but if you'd told me I'd had an easy birth, at that point I would probably have thumped you.

You could each expect a little less of the other.

Once you are past this difficult period, you can rebuild your relationship. For now, just accept that neither is in the best place to support the other, you are both dealing with a lot. Let the husbands lead contact for the moment.

Don't worry about it now. In a year you will feel totally different, just in time for the babies to learn to play together.

Sorry I should've been more specific
Some examples
Breast is best, I preferred to starve my baby then give them trashy formula
You went to the hospital too early which is why you were tricked into the cascade of intervention and had an inferior birth and no attachment to baby
Your baby is wrinkly, probably from the caeser
The mental health people are tricking you into thinking you need medication and something wrong with you when what you are feeling is NORMAL
I explained I wanted to end my life and she said oh get therapy
Then didnt visit me once during my almost 9 week admission
Said I should've just bled out in hospital and home births are superior.

It was her second baby she just had.

I do not think she is the forgiving type. Ive felt like running away and abandoning my baby with my husband my depression is so severe.

OP what are your expectations of your SIL?

I thought she'd apologise and want to keep the cousins together
But I guess her baby has a sibling and more to come

So what did the rest of your family who were sitting around you at this wedding when she said all this say?
as last thread, I’m astounded she said all this and not one interjected?
You went to the hospital too early which is why you were tricked into the cascade of intervention and had an inferior birth and no attachment to baby
and did she not take you to hospital/persuade you to go as she was concerned?