I feel so sad that my mental health (namely OCD) has ruined years of my life 😔

[Lostpotential]

I've NC for this. Basically, I've had OCD since I was 11 years old. I'm now over 45.
I didn't know what it was for several years, then at age 18 I read an article and knew it was OCD, but I was scared of what the medical fraternity might do to me, so I didn't get diagnosed by a doctor until I was 27. I've tried various things that sometimes help a bit, but then it gets really bad again.
It's absolutely hell at times. Intrusive thoughts, then compulsions to re-trace steps where the thoughts took place and make sure I have good thoughts instead. Also having to wash thoughts, words, conversations off my hands, clothes etc (it sounds so bonkers writing it down). I've actually had to get trains to re-do journeys if I felt I had the wrong thoughts, and need to replace the journey with good thoughts, which I have to write down in case the intrusive thoughts (which are the opposite of what I actually think) return.
So, it's cost me a lot of money and time.
I've suffered severe depression at times as a result; and basically have been malfunctioning on and off for years. It's a secret illness, so many people have no idea, and probably wonder why my material life is so challenging - renting from a terrible landlord (only thing I can barely afford) in and out of work, often penniless, lifelong single mostly.
I had such potential at primary school; and if it hadn't been for trauma and subsequent mental illness, I truly believe I'd have been a professional artist (my great early love), been married and had several children (always been very maternal) and had a lovely home, as I'm naturally a home maker, if given the opportunity.
I recently lost my beloved dad. He was a huge support for me and I for him. He'd also suffered trauma and we really understood eachother. So, I'm grieving terribly.
Yesterday my OCD was so horrendous I found walking to town to get shopping and back unbelievably challenging (took ages) I've been crying loads since, as I'm just exhausted, and don't understand why it had to be like this.
Not asking for help or even advise really. I just wanted to share, and wondered if anyone else feels similar about their mental health situation? Solidarity if so.

I don’t have any advice but a huge amount of sympathy. You must be so tired. I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad. Do you want to share some memories of him? It sounds like you had a lovely relationship.

Hopefully others who know more about OCD will be along with better responses soon.

I’m so sorry - this all sounds so hard. My teenage daughter has OCD, so I have some understanding of how awful it is, but not her full internal world, which you’ve described really well.

I believe that ERP is the gold standard of therapy for OCD and it can make an improvement to your compulsions. It has helped my daughter, but you have to keep at it - which is hard.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your Dad, that must be devastating. Do you have any family or friends who understand your situation?

I developed OCD as a teen, and it just got worse and worse. I never tried CBT. The furthest I recently got was brushing off the intrusive thoughts; don't be ridiculous which helps to an extent but they were still happening. Then two things happened recently. I was always open to but never a true believer; in desperation I asked Jesus for help.

The second thing is that I started listening to Jody Whiteley Sleep Hypnosis Depression and anxiety. But it isn't just about depression and anxiety it's about full mental health and finding peace. She says something like, Do you know, that your brain has everything it needs to make you a healthy, relaxed person ? And that just struck a chord of hope in me. I've been listening to it every night for a few weeks. My episodes (touch wood) have been lessening. I am still washing my hands 15 times (most) days but I am coping greatly compared to how I was. Some days I have no symptoms at all. I hope I keep it up

@tinymeteor and @Intotheunknown23 thank you both so much for your kind messages of support. It's made me emotional to read such compassionate words. I'm very affected by words, both positive and negative.
I've got friends and family, for whom I'm so grateful. But, I feel so embarrassed by my symptoms that I don't think anyone in RL fully understands the extent of it. In terms of my current grief, my sister is a huge support, and she's also grieving of course. But, again the way OCD and grief are playing into each other is complicated, and hard and embarrassing to articulate.
I should look into ERP. That's something I haven't tried. I wouldn't know where to go? I'll look it up.
Sending kindness to you and your daughter @Intotheunknown23 . Thankfully there's a lot more understanding of mental illness now than there was when I was a teenager; so I sincerely hope she can get the right support now, and doesn't have the decades long struggle I've had 🙏 It's so wonderful she's got such an obviously kind and empathetic mother.
Thank you both again for taking the time to respond x

OP, I feel for you so much. That sounds very tough indeed.
I often feel a mix of sadness and shame at how undiagnosed ADHD and untreated depression have wasted decades of my life.
But I write down lists of what I have done despite them. You may be in and out of work, but you have worked. You may have a bad landlord but you are not yet homeless.

Would CBT help? You can get lots of free worksheets online for developing self compassion and identifying and overriding different types of disordered thinking. I found this so helpful.

Can you set yourself very tiny projects snd give yourself massive pats on the back for each one you do. If you are a natural homemaker, work at making your rental.place as nice as it can be. Use freecycle and local Facebook to get free things that would improve it.

Can you look for a voluntary role in a nurturing capacity- gardening or visiting elderlybpeople in hospital or care homes, or helping at an animal shelter or helping with reading at a local school? That might be too much, but even one off events might give you something to feel proud of.

Sorry typing on a phone. Didn't mean not yet homeless. Meant not homeless! Not sure ehst autocorrect that was!

Thank you so much for this.
In terms of spirituality, I can't count the amount of times I've been on my knees begging, literally begging, for help. To God (whomever he/she is) to the Universe, Jesus, any benign and benevolent force that might exist who could help me. I've sometimes felt I'm being tortured by demons or something. That sounds extreme to most people; but honestly it feels like I'm being tortured by a dark force sometimes. I don't know anymore... Sometimes praying brings a bit of relief for a little while.

I'll check out your recommendation for hypnosis. That sounds wonderful, and I love the idea that my seemingly very broken brain could in fact be capable of functioning normally. I'll definitely look into it. It might bring some relief hopefully 🙏

I'm so sorry you've been a fellow sufferer. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I get what you mean about as if the darkness has latched onto you.

Let me know how it goes I would be so happy if it helps you

You poor love. It's a horrendous condition. I did a really intensive CBT course two years ago that helped a lot but it's by no means gone. I've tried CBT so many many times and said it "didn't work" but once I was ready to embrace it I treated it more like physiotherapy. Like he showed me what to do then I went away and worked on it.

Thank you @HangingOver I'm so pleased to hear you've had some success with CBT. Maybe I need to change my approach to it too. Take care x

Thank you @Tonissister for your positivity. I'm so sorry you've lost years to depression and ADHD too.
Yes, there are many times when I can consciously count my blessings, and feel grateful for the things I've achieved in spite of things. I find for me, though OCD is always there, there are definitely times (sometimes months at a time) when it's much more manageable. Other times, such as yesterday (and recently generally) when I can barely function at all. So, I guess today I'm finding it hard to see the sunny side. Yesterday I was such a tough day. I'm yet to identify exactly what formula is needed for it to be more manageable.
There are times when I can even see the darkly comedic side too. When I really think about the sheer irrational nature of having to wash a conversation off my clothes, or having to buy a train ticket to re-trace a journey with a piece of paper in my hands saying something like 'I am a goodie who would never harm anyone. I love animals and would never harm them' or similar 🤦‍♀️ I can occasionally laugh at the daftness. But, to be honest not often, as it's so exhausting, and really has ruined my life.

I know what you mean about nurturing. I treasure my house plants, and I think in nurturing anything or anyone else we nurture ourselves too. I've done voluntary work similar to the kinds you describe. But only when my OCD is at a manageable phase. There are times I can barely put one foot in front of the other.

I wish you well with your ADHD and depression going forward. Take care x

My dd has started taking sertraline for her ocd.

Even on this thread my OCD has had an impact on my posts. My first reply, I had an intrusive image thought when I pressed 'post'. I got distressed by that, so quickly had to think of a way to fix it, and edited the post with a x (kiss) on the end, so I had an excuse to re-post with good thoughts. I don't normally put kisses on the end of posts, but then got worried that other posters might get offended that I'd put a x on one reply but not on theirs; so I've had to put kisses on all subsequent replies as a result! Oh, it's a minefield.
After this, I'll stop putting kisses on the end, now I've explained!

@Lostpotential you sound like such a lovely person and it is not surprising you are finding things particularly difficult now, when you've lost your father.
My daughter has OCD, it wasn't until she was diagnosed as autistic as a young adult that she was able to see what was OCD and what was ASD. Is there any chance there is more going on for you than 'just' OCD? I only ask because ASD in particular is sadly under-recognised in girls, it is often a co-morbidity with OCD and understanding both if they are there, makes such a difference.
Wishing you strength.

Thank you. I've been prescribed Prozac and Citalopram over the years, and unfortunately neither helped. I think Prozac actually made it worse. But, I've heard Sertraline is different, and I should maybe try it.
I've tried pretty much every natural remedy under the sun. I have found B-vitamin complex and Magnesium somewhat helpful, as well as NAC and Inositol, both of which I'm taking currently. But results aren't consistent, and I can't always afford them. Has Sertraline helped your daughter?

Do you have a partner? Children?

@Lostpotential I dont have any pearls of wisdom to share with you, but I do wish to give you a huge (((hug))) and to send you my love. You poor poor being, 😢 💐

No, and I feel desperately sad about both those things. I would have loved to have been a wife and mother 😔

Thank you so much for your absolutely lovely message.
Bless you and your daughter.
Funnily enough, some people (especially if they don't know I have OCD) have often said I exhibit some female-type autistic traits, such as struggling with eye contact and struggling if things don't go to plan. Others have said they think I have ADHD as I talk very quickly, and get very easily distracted, as well as hyper focusing on some things. I don't know at all though, and I've never been diagnosed with ASD or ADHD. I should maybe read more about it...

@Lostpotential You don't have to live like this. Please have a look at my AMA on remedial hypnosis and see if it resonates with you.

I feel really bad for you - I had struggled with depression and regret the effect it has had on my life and the people around me.
You said that you would have loved to become a professional artist. I hope you’re still creating art - and who knows, perhaps you could become professional? It’s not unrealistic to aspire to that. There is no one else in the world that can create the same art as you, and your OCD is part of who that unique person is. I’m a painter (hobbyist) and it brings me comfort to know that all my experiences, good and bad, are a part of what makes my work “mine” - not necessarily better or worse, but more “me”. I’m also reading a book called the Art Cure which is about how creating and consuming art can help lots of conditions. Especially those of us who have mental health issues!
Please go out and create :)

Do you manage to work?

Friends? Ever socialise?

I’m so very sorry, OP. That sounds so hard and so unfair.

I don’t have OCD, but in times of high stress I have experienced the extreme intrusive thoughts and some of the re-doing habits that you mention. So I can completely understand the compulsion tha grips you to do these things, even when you know they are non-sensical.

I don’t have it all the time and it’s on a much smaller scale to you, so I can’t imagine how hard it’s been for you struggling with this since childhood. Just wanted to say that I can understand a little bit of where you are coming from, how easy it is for the compulsions to take hold, and how sad and frustrated you must be.

You are probably right that it is trauma related, and I hope very much you can find some help that works for you xxx

I’m so sorry. My child is heading this way. 28 and so impacted by ocd - has never held a job down, ruins relationships. I don’t know what to say - ERP and medication is about the most effective treatment but finding anyone competent is impossible.

What support have you sought?