I feel so sad that my mental health (namely OCD) has ruined years of my life 😔

[Lostpotential]

I've NC for this. Basically, I've had OCD since I was 11 years old. I'm now over 45.
I didn't know what it was for several years, then at age 18 I read an article and knew it was OCD, but I was scared of what the medical fraternity might do to me, so I didn't get diagnosed by a doctor until I was 27. I've tried various things that sometimes help a bit, but then it gets really bad again.
It's absolutely hell at times. Intrusive thoughts, then compulsions to re-trace steps where the thoughts took place and make sure I have good thoughts instead. Also having to wash thoughts, words, conversations off my hands, clothes etc (it sounds so bonkers writing it down). I've actually had to get trains to re-do journeys if I felt I had the wrong thoughts, and need to replace the journey with good thoughts, which I have to write down in case the intrusive thoughts (which are the opposite of what I actually think) return.
So, it's cost me a lot of money and time.
I've suffered severe depression at times as a result; and basically have been malfunctioning on and off for years. It's a secret illness, so many people have no idea, and probably wonder why my material life is so challenging - renting from a terrible landlord (only thing I can barely afford) in and out of work, often penniless, lifelong single mostly.
I had such potential at primary school; and if it hadn't been for trauma and subsequent mental illness, I truly believe I'd have been a professional artist (my great early love), been married and had several children (always been very maternal) and had a lovely home, as I'm naturally a home maker, if given the opportunity.
I recently lost my beloved dad. He was a huge support for me and I for him. He'd also suffered trauma and we really understood eachother. So, I'm grieving terribly.
Yesterday my OCD was so horrendous I found walking to town to get shopping and back unbelievably challenging (took ages) I've been crying loads since, as I'm just exhausted, and don't understand why it had to be like this.
Not asking for help or even advise really. I just wanted to share, and wondered if anyone else feels similar about their mental health situation? Solidarity if so.

Im so sorry you have struggled for so long OP. My teenage dd has OCD alongside ADHD. Funnily enough we were talking about it last night and she said she had symptoms for as long as she remembers, from a very small child. She was assessed by CAHMS at age 13 and referred for CBT. I remember the CBT therapist very clearly saying to her that it would be hard work but she could either put the hard work in now and eliminate it or it would plague her for the rest of her life, it would ruin her life. She thankfully responded really well to the therapy and has it well under control now. She knows what to do if it rears its ugly head to get it back in its box. Literally life changing, i was amazed at how well and how quickly it worked. There were big improvements from the very first session. It was hard work, and she still works at it but its completely under control. I can't recommend it enough. I think she had about 8 sessions in all.

I'm with you.

Similar story but with anxiety disorders.

Had them to varying degrees since primary school but didn't know what it was until well into adulthood. As an 80s child I was just seen as shy and sensitive.

I didn't want birthday parties that most kids did because I was scared of the kids not enjoying themselves or not liking the party bags or me or my family doing something I would find embarassing.

I stopped going to parties for years after I gave a girl her present, she opened it in front of everyone said 'oh no, I've already got that' looked upset and threw it on the floor.

Couldn't have real romantic relationships so am in my late 40s single, no kids because of anxiety and introvertism.

I do work and have worked from home since 2020 which has helped my anxiety enormously but the downside is being excluded, undermined and bullied because everyone else had to go back to the office and I didn't and because i'm not in the office, some people pretend I don't exist, steal my work and so on.

When I think of the holidays I didn't go on, the dates I didn't go on, the jobs I didn't apply for and so on, I could cry.

But I make the best of it and find joy and happiness in lots of things but when I start to think of everything I have lost out on, it is sad.

Sending love and big hugs for your loss OP. I’m so sorry for everything you’re going through.
No words of wisdom unfortunately, but I have a family member who really struggles with OCD and it is all consuming. I do hope you manage to find some help and support x

I just wanted to send you good thoughts, OP. I have ADHD which can result in some odd behaviours (to say the least!) and my best friend's adult son has OCD and ASD which mean she is permanently living in the shadow of his behaviours, because he won't and can't seek treatment.

You are not alone.

Thank you. I'll check it out.

Sending love and hope to you and your child. So much sympathy and empathy. I really hope she/he can get the right support 🙏

Thank you all so much for all the incredibly kind and supportive messages ❤️
So many newer ones I want to reply to individually. I've got a couple of things I have to sort, so I'll return to the thread later and reply properly. In the interim, I'm so grateful and genuinely touched by the kindness of strangers on this thread. It's actually really helpful, and has made me feel less alone.
Love to all others who face similar struggles 💐

Would you try CBD? Perhaps easiest to take in the form of gummies. Anecdotally it works.

Thank you. Yes, I tried CBD oil a few years ago. I think it did something - a bit calming. But, I was trying loads of things at the same time, so not sure exactly what was helping. I should try it again. Unfortunately it's extremely expensive (in all different forms) and I'm on a very tight budget these days. I think I'll invest in some, when I'm next able to do a decent chunk of work.

Thank you for sharing this. I'm so pleased your daughter got the help she needed.
I really would like anyone younger who has read this thread, who is struggling, to learn from my mistake of not seeking professional help very early on. I can't bear to think of anyone else suffering as I have; and if this thread helps even one person get the help they need, and to be spared this decades-long struggle I've endured, I'd be very glad it's helped it's helped them.

Unfortunately, I suffered in silence for way too long. There was so much taboo about mental illness when I was first struggling and I didn't know what was happening to me.

There's obviously still a long way to go, but definitely a lot more understanding nowadays thankfully.

I wish you and your daughter so well going forward.

Thank you @Willow12345 ❤️
You're very kind.
I hope your struggling family member can also get the help and support they need x

You poor thing. It’s sounds absolutely wretched and I hate that OCD has effectively ruined your life thus far. I really hope you’ll find a treatment that works for you and that the second half of your life is happy and free from it.

Sad to read this and agree you sound lovely. Thinking of others when you have your own difficulties. Well done on posting and I guarantee this will have helped some people who may not post on here.
Life is so complex now and not everyone is cut out to cope. Don’t be hard on yourself.
No need to reply or put any kisses on your messages! Just sending you wishes for a better future.

@WildMintPanda I'm so sorry to read how much you've struggled, and your sense of loss for the missed opportunities etc 😔
I also try to find joy in the simple things. Sometimes I can, but sometimes my mental health and grief are so horrendous that I just can't.
You take care x

Do you have any close friends?

I know it might sound twee… but do you manage to get outside everyday?

Hello, just to reiterate that ERP is available in CBT treatments for OCD for free through the NHS. You can self refer if you look up your local NHS Talking Therapies service. Please don't write off the test of your life, go and see your GP and consider therapy, it can be so helpful. Wishing you all the very best,

It doesn't sound twee at all. Don't worry about asking that, as I know nature is powerful and can be healing. I try to go out most days, and love being outdoors with nature. I especially love woodlands with natural springs & streams. I should make more of a point of finding more places like that and visiting regularly when I can. I love birds and animals too, and find being around them comforting.

How do you spend your days? Do you work? See people regularly?

Thank you so much for this. I actually didn't realise I could get ERP so easily on the NHS? I will look more into it.

You too.

I find the merlin bird app has helped me a lot, especially in getting out of the flat.

It's free to download and you can just walk around with your 'phone in your hand and it will identify all those bird calls/songs that you hear and wonder what bird it was. And it'll pick up ones that you don't really hear or recognise either.

If you go out later in the day there aren't that many birds calling but go around dawn or after and there'll be loads.

If you'd have asked me even a few years ago if i'd care about birds in my area i'd have said no but this makes my early morning walks not just good for my MH in terms of getting outside and being distracted from my own thoughts. it makes it interesting and a little bit exciting when new birds come up and I can Google them and learn more about them.

There is some really valid and well-researched evidence to support being out in nature as beneficial for mental health and not just for everyone, but evidenced improvements in mental health for people who have a diagnosed mental illness.

My local MH trust is incorporating 'nature therapy' into some of it's interventions.

Good luck to you xx

Sorry for my delayed reply to this question @Eufyon . You've asked a couple of other similar questions since, so I thought I'd answer this one, to answer them all.
I have worked much of my life, when I've been able to; but I just can't always, and I've not had a full-time regular permanent job for a few years now. I've more recently done agency, temping and seasonal work. I've also been self-employed in various capacities I can cope with, such as dog walking.
I really struggle financially, and most work I've done has been poorly paid. I know that my OCD varies, severity-wise, and I don't claim PIP or anything, as I find the forms, and being under that level of scrutiny too challenging I think. So, when I can work, I live frugally and squirrel away as much as I can for the inevitable bad OCD episodes that have so far always returned unfortunately. I then live on the savings from the able-to-work times. I'm doing a bit of work on and off these days. An enormous amount of my time is spent on OCD compulsions themselves - sometimes hours a day. The fear that something bad could happen if I don't, is honestly overwhelming.
Hopefully that answers your question...

@Eufyon oh and friends... Yes, I do have friends. Most think I'm a bit eccentric, and some think I'm a bit loopy; but I'm not sure any of them know how bad my OCD is. I'm good at covering it up. They know I suffer from anxiety and that I have suffered from bouts of severe depression, but they don't know how severe and chronic my OCD is.
Unfortunately, I have told white lies to explain away my compulsions. I'm very upset about that, as I value honesty generally. But, I can't see an alternative - eg: yesterday, when walking back from town, or trying to, I was getting constant waves of intrusive thoughts, and having to walk back to re-trace my steps with good thoughts, and I saw a friend approaching. I realised she'd probably seen me walking back etc, and I felt embarrassed, and I had to quickly think of a reason, and said I thought I'd seen a seal 🤭 (I live on the coast) I then made a joke that I must be hallucinating. She accepted it I think. She knows I'm grieving and was very kind.
But, very embarrassingly, I bumped into her and her boyfriend a few minutes later, as after getting home and dropping stuff off, I was worried my thoughts hadn't been quite right, and felt I needed to walk back about half a mile. When I saw her again (we were walking in opposite directions and directly passed each other) I had to spin a yarn about not being able to chat, being in a rushed mission, something I'd forgotten before. She definitely looked puzzled. My head was spinning.
When I finally got home I wept. I was exhausted, and I'd felt so guilty about having lied about seeing a seal. There was no seal, just my broken brain refusing to play ball 😔

Thank you so much for this. Really helpful.
Best wishes to you too xx

@AllSlippersareBanned and @Bluegreenbird thank you both so much for posting such kind words. Genuinely ❤️