I feel so sad that my mental health (namely OCD) has ruined years of my life 😔

[Lostpotential]

I've NC for this. Basically, I've had OCD since I was 11 years old. I'm now over 45.
I didn't know what it was for several years, then at age 18 I read an article and knew it was OCD, but I was scared of what the medical fraternity might do to me, so I didn't get diagnosed by a doctor until I was 27. I've tried various things that sometimes help a bit, but then it gets really bad again.
It's absolutely hell at times. Intrusive thoughts, then compulsions to re-trace steps where the thoughts took place and make sure I have good thoughts instead. Also having to wash thoughts, words, conversations off my hands, clothes etc (it sounds so bonkers writing it down). I've actually had to get trains to re-do journeys if I felt I had the wrong thoughts, and need to replace the journey with good thoughts, which I have to write down in case the intrusive thoughts (which are the opposite of what I actually think) return.
So, it's cost me a lot of money and time.
I've suffered severe depression at times as a result; and basically have been malfunctioning on and off for years. It's a secret illness, so many people have no idea, and probably wonder why my material life is so challenging - renting from a terrible landlord (only thing I can barely afford) in and out of work, often penniless, lifelong single mostly.
I had such potential at primary school; and if it hadn't been for trauma and subsequent mental illness, I truly believe I'd have been a professional artist (my great early love), been married and had several children (always been very maternal) and had a lovely home, as I'm naturally a home maker, if given the opportunity.
I recently lost my beloved dad. He was a huge support for me and I for him. He'd also suffered trauma and we really understood eachother. So, I'm grieving terribly.
Yesterday my OCD was so horrendous I found walking to town to get shopping and back unbelievably challenging (took ages) I've been crying loads since, as I'm just exhausted, and don't understand why it had to be like this.
Not asking for help or even advise really. I just wanted to share, and wondered if anyone else feels similar about their mental health situation? Solidarity if so.

Thank you for your message @DecisionTime123
I'm sorry I didn't respond till now. I think I must have been sending my last message when your message arrived.
I'm so very sorry to hear about your poor daughter 😔 it sounds like you've both had a really tough time. I've got so much sympathy and empathy for you both.
Yes, I think one of the reasons I've not reached out for medical help recently is that I've often not felt that understood in the past, and not been quite sure where to go.
I'm desperate for OCD to loosen its grip on me, so I think I should contact the two charities you've linked to. I actually am aware of them, and did ring one once (can't remember which) many years ago, just to talk about how distressed I was. I didn't really ask for advice. I should do.
I'm so glad your daughter is finding things more manageable now. I hope she continues to get better still.

I think one of the issues for me is that physically getting to places can be very hard if my OCD is at its worst. Anything punctuated like walking through doors, new years, birthdays etc. If I get bad intrusive thoughts, words or images during the transition, I feel doomed - in the room I've just entered, the new year, my new age. I've sometimes spent ages walking in and out of doors until I feel I've got the right thoughts to prevent something bad happening. So, getting treatment is a challenge in itself. But, I need to find a way.
Thank you again.

What do you have planned for today? Spending another day on this thread talking about your lost years is not going to help. Make a plan, get outside, see a friend

No, yesterday was a bit of an exception. I don't normally spend anything like as long on Mumsnet or online generally.
Obviously yesterday was Sunday too, so a bit different.
I had had an exceptionally difficult day the day before, and needed a catharsis. People had been so lovely that I really wanted to reply. I didn't expect to devote so long to it. But, it honestly really helped me. I was feeling especially sad, tired and grief-stricken and needed an outlet.
Already had a big plan for today. Some big challenging travel involved, which I've been very anxious about, and it no doubt contributed to the difficult weekend.
Thank you for your concern.

Hope today is a better day op

How are you op?

@Helplessandheartbroke oh, thank you so much for your thoughtfulness checking in. That's so kind.
Well, I'm awake in the night as you can see by the time. The dual devastations of grief and OCD (which seem to feed eachother these days) have caused a great deal of insomnia. I think many grieving people suffer insomnia, with or without mental health challenges, so that's not unusual.
Otherwise, hard to say how I am. Very fuzzy headed.
I didn't check Mumsnet yesterday till last night. I can see two deleted posts. I've no idea what they said; but if it was something that could have contributed to my struggles, then I'm very grateful I didn't see them, and I'm immeasurably grateful to whoever reported them. Thank you to whoever that was 🙏
I still have some posts on this thread I want to reply to - lovely early posts. I will get there. I exhausted myself the other day, so took a little break from it.
But, it's wonderful that I've got this thread to return to, and so many incredible & helpful messages to re-read when I need that.
I know some boards on Mumsnet can be brutal; but the mental health board seems to be filled with goodwill, which is wonderful. I'm just sad it needs to be frequented by so many. So many struggling people out there 😔
If I'm recovered enough one day, I would love to somehow help others with devastating mental health issues. Too many damaged lives.
Sending love to all who are battling any mental health issues. I know there are some people who struggle who are all alone in the world too. God love them. I know how fortunate I am to have loving friends and family. I wish I felt able to confide in some in RL just how much I struggle. It's easier to talk about it anonymously online. I'm very embarrassed by many of my symptoms, and I guess fear rejection, which would finish me off.
Anyway, so sorry for this small-hours essay🤭
I think I'll go and make a cup of herbal tea. It might take a while with all the compulsions - I need to make sure I think and say nice words when making it, otherwise I feel I'm drinking bad words (gosh I'm bonkers 🤦‍♀️)
But I'll get there in the end.
Thank you again so much for checking in. Really thoughtful and kind ❤️

Hey op

Definitely not bonkers just a struggling person with deliberating ocd.

Apologies I took a while to respond. I too was up from 2.30am after a very unfortunate incident last night that's sent ne spiralling. Youre not alone. I hope you get some rest tonight. Feel free to pm me x

@Helplessandheartbroke
Oh gosh, I'm so sorry to hear you had an unfortunate event that caused you so much insomnia 😔 How are you now?
You've got nothing at all to apologise for.
I hope you slept better last night?
Thank you so much for your post. Likewise, feel free to pm me.
You take care, and thank you again for your kindness x

I feel so very sorry for you @Lostpotential. My 13yo hasn’t attended school for almost 2 years due to OCD and has suffered for 3 years. It is so misunderstood, the one mental illness people seem to think is ok to make jokes about. Yet it is so incredibly debilitating. I had it severely as a teenager for a period of time, but had a weird lightbulb moment that helped me move past my rituals. But I still live with intrusive thoughts and anxiety, albeit at a low level. Low level or not though, it has been an absolute blight on my life. DS cycles between being desperate to get better and not really caring. He hasn’t even been learning from home as the logistics of trying to implement any sort of structure are a nightmare. He has contamination OCD, with some counting rituals and repeated reassurance seeking. His CAMHS therapists keep leaving (not because of him😆) and we are between therapists at the minute. I could go on … and on. But you have my deepest sympathy, it’s a tough gig to say the least

Thank you so much. Yes, it’s very restrictive. His days and nights often get mixed up and I find myself helping him with stuff at stupid o’clock in the morning, so I’m knackered. I can’t make plans because I have no idea what time of day he will need help. He’s ok with being home alone for short periods, but I can’t be out of the house for hours at a time. It’s complicated at the minute by the fact that his phone fell on the floor and he can’t lift it, so we can’t keep in touch. Eventually he will lift it and he’ll clean it, but he has to work himself up to it and that can take days or even weeks. That’s just a tiny snapshot of the everyday challenges. My biggest worry is all the life he’s missing out on. He’s the loveliest boy. But then I’m biased😊

Thank you so much @SerenityScout .
Sorry, I didn't check Mumsnet again all day till now.
I'm so sorry about your depression, and the impact its had on you. Depression is horrendous too I know. I've had bouts of very severe depression, and I feel so sorry for people who struggle with it 24/7 for years 😔
I'm so sorry you also have had time and potential snatched from you.
I've not considered medical cannabis. I should look into it, as it's not something I know much about.
Take care and thank you again for your kind comments x

I'm afraid I don't have anything helpful to say OP, but I want to thank you for such an articulate and honest post. Just this morning a dear friend of mine was messaging me about how sad she is that her mental health has robbed her of the life she could have had, and reading this has really helped me understand what she was saying.

I am so very sorry for the loss of your father. 💐

Why are so many posts being deleted on here? I've read one of them that was fine.... I've sent you a pm op, you've had some lovely support on this thread which has been great to see and hopefully shows you how much youre not alone and have people who understand and will support you digitally too 😊

@youbizarrehorse Thank you so much for your post. Again, apologies for my delay responding. I didn't check Mumsnet again till a few minutes ago.
I'm so sorry to hear about your son, and the impact OCD has had on his education 😔
Yes, it's very misunderstood. People mistakenly think it's just about being clean & tidy. Which is ironic in my case, as it's actually made me less tidy. I was a meticulously tidy small child, but the energy I poured into that was redirected to my compulsions once OCD struck, and in my case the compulsions aren't about physical tidiness. It's a very common misconception people have. Of course there is a type of OCD that is about physical tidiness and order, I think it's called perfectionist OCD, but that's just one type of several. It's the type most people have heard of, and they're not familiar with how horrific and debilitating obsessions and compulsions can be, and how much they vary in nature.

I'm so sorry you also suffered, and it's so wonderful and amazing that you were able to recover from the compulsions, but it sounds like you still have some obsessions? So, it's still hard for you, and especially hard for you to witness your son struggling with it.
I wish you both so well. I hope CAMHS can find the right therapist soon, who can stay and offer consistent support. I think the fact he's so young and it's being addressed, bodes well, and I hope you both have a very bright future ahead.
I really relate to the needing reassurance aspect btw. I often need a lot of reassurance, and can feel extremely distressed when people get irritated with my requests for it. I know they often don't understand, and I'm desperate not to annoy people, but the need for reassurance can be overwhelming.
You and your son have my deepest sympathy too 💐

Thank you. I didn't read any of the deleted posts, so don't know what they said, or why they were reported?
Funnily enough, one of the reasons I delayed checking again today for hours was that I was feeling so fragile, and I saw 2 posts deleted yesterday, and was nervous in case someone was trolling, and didn't think I could cope if anything triggering was being said. But, I completely agree that this thread has been wonderfully supportive on the whole. I hope it's helped others too.
I'll check out your pm ❤️

Hey i saw the one off justpausereally earlier and it definitely didnt say anything bad it was wishing another poster well if I remember. I wouldn't worry the MH board is a friendly place :)

Ah, OK, thanks.
Yes, I've experienced the MH board as overwhelmingly kind & supportive.
I would be terrified of starting a thread in AIBU. But it feels very different on this board thankfully x

Thank you very much @MCF86 your post is very helpful.
Solidarity with your friend. Sadly there are far too many of us with fractured lives due to years of mental health struggles.
Thank you for your kindness ❤️

Ditto! For me AIBU is for silly threads (lighthearted) anything I need advice on that im struggling with will always come on MH as people understand x