Depression for years - just want it to stop

[Depressedandthensome]

As we head into another new year, I reflect back on how many Chritmases I’ve thought “this year will be different.” I am so tired of feeling this way. I am late 40s, 2 kids and married. On paper I have a good life, ex teacher now working in education but recently demoted in a team restructure which has really affected my confidence. My role and others on my level were taken away. Both children are autistic and partner works away two nights a week.

Ive had depression since my early 20s. It is genetic and based on trauma as well. I am exhausted with feeling so crap all the time. I feel worthless, the worlds crappiest mum and jus crap. I have no real close, nearby friends. I do have family nearby but they don’t really know the depth of my sadness. I’ve been seeing a therapist for about 18 months and she has recommended that I see a psychiatrist to explore better medication which is more specific for me. I really don’t want to get to Christmas next year feeling exactly the same as i do now. I am so tired. I want my kids to have the mother they deserve. I have no motivation and if it wasn’t for the kids and partner, I would have been long gone.

Not sure why I’m posting but I guess I want a light at the end of this tunnel.

I'm in the same predicament. 52 and every single Christmas/end of year (always a very melancholic and reflective time of year for me) I promise myself next year will be better, it will be the year I will turn a corner but it's the same each and every Christmas, a complete stalemate situation.

I'm considering seeing a psychiatrist too. No amount of therapy has helped me. Maybe a psychiatrist could help?

Have you considered you could have some neurodiverse issues too? My ds has autism and early this year I was diagnosed withi inattentive ADHD. I've not done much with the diagnosis tbh as I know it's controversial but I'm considering some ADHD coaching to see if that helps?

Good luck with it all. Long term poor mental health is absolutely draining.

The neurodiversity question has crossed my mind but I don’t have the money to pursue a diagnosis and I’m not sure what a diagnosis would give me.

In terms of exercise, the dance class I do is not very intense, I’m the youngest there by about 20 years! It’s nice but I can’t say it’s exercise really.

I can’t remember when I last felt well. I have my partner and kids and I love them dearly but they deserve better. I feel like I’m living in black and white and not colour.

I just want to hibernate and hide from everything and everyone. I don’t have the courage to do anything terminal but that’s how I feel.

What have you done today OP? What do you have planned over Christmas?

I was on 375mg of Venlafaxine for years. This year I’ve dropped down to 225mg. I tried to get down to 150mg but it was just too low for me. I started adhd meds this year so wasn’t able to continue on 375mg. Over 150mg it works differently so a higher dose may well be much more beneficial for you. I think a psychiatrist could be really helpful in sorting out an effective dose or the right medication. I was actually terrified of seeing a psychiatrist but it was really helpful.

I think I’m over the initial shock of the suggestion of seeing a psychiatrist. I’d like to know exactly what is “wrong” with me. My therapist doesn’t think it’s bipolar or similar just long term clinical depression which I have lived with since my early twenties. But as I’ve got older my resilience is reducing and I just cannot fight anymore.

Today my partner took the kids out for two hours and I had lots of good intentions but just moped around trying to do things and then ended up SH.

Why don’t you follow the therapists advice and go to a psychiatrist?

Have you modified your diet in any way? @Depressedandthensome I discovered that I was overloaded with oxalate and went to lengths to dump it over an 18 month period and I also added a lot of animal fat to my diet.

I suspect the thing that worked was the fat as I could feel my mood lifting within a few hours.

Since all of this I have felt a lot more stable and I have lost the constant UTIs too.

How long ago did your therapist suggest a psychiatrist?

OP you really do owe it not only to yourself, but your family too, to pursue this very swiftly as a matter of urgency. Make it your priority… tomorrow. Has your therapist suggested any psychiatrists? Were you paying your therapist privately? Is your partner aware of what you therapist has advised?

The therapist advised a psychiatrist about a month ago. I have asked her to send me the recommendations. My partner is aware also. I just can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

have you not seen your therapist in a month? When are you next due an appointment?

and your partner… what was his response to the professional advice that you need a psychiatrist and to explore meds?

Low Vitamin D can add to a low mood, do you know your Vitamin D and take a supplement?
Agree with hard exercise at least three times a week. It really does work.
And enough good food and enough sleep are the basis for good mental health

A month ago? That’s not good enough imo.

That's quite a low dose for Venlafaxine. When I had it, I had the maximum dose and it was life changing for me. I went from barely being able to get out of bed to being fully functioning. It really sorted out the feelings of despair and pointlessness. Make a GP appointment to get it upped and get the psyc referral.

I have a psychiatrist who I see every 3/4 months and have done for the last 8 years. I have bipolar and generalised anxiety disorder. I can handle the hypomanic episodes it's the crushing lows I struggle with. Having someone to talk to who really understands and can prescribe the right medication is a godsend. Please don't fear seeing a psychiatrist honestly embrace it x

Sorry just to clarify I see my therapist every two to three weeks. She suggested a psychiatrist and I said I needed time to let that sink in. I’ve now realised that it’s a good idea. I don’t see my therapist now until mid January due to the holidays. My partner is very in favour of this next step.

I spoke to the mental health nurse and she won’t increase the medication until I’ve been on 150 for longer.

And in the month since she said she’d send you details of psychiatrist, she hasn’t provided this?

In that case op, you are going to have to get the wheels in motion yourself.

This just be intolerable for you, your children and your partner

How long have you been on it?

I think she has been waiting for me to give her the nod ‘yes’ so to speak.

Came off Citalopram around February and stranger on Venlafaxine 75mg per day after tapering off Citalopram. Increased to 150mv about 5-6 weeks ago.

Can you email her? Tonight?

Speaking as someone who lost a very depressed sibling to suicide I’m gobsmacked by how you don’t appear to want to get help. Seriously you come here asking what you should do because you’ve been depressed for years and your therapist advised a psychiatrist a few weeks ago and you took time to let it “sink in.” ? Do you want to get better? Or do you want to stay like this forever????

A psychiatrist’s job is to get you back to normal. My sibling wasn’t even offered a psychiatrist. I’m really upset by this thread so hiding it now. Take support when it’s offered, you owe it to your children.

I do want to get help. I’m very sorry about your sibling but please don’t judge my situation based on yours.

I have emailed earlier today.