Depression for years - just want it to stop

[Depressedandthensome]

As we head into another new year, I reflect back on how many Chritmases I’ve thought “this year will be different.” I am so tired of feeling this way. I am late 40s, 2 kids and married. On paper I have a good life, ex teacher now working in education but recently demoted in a team restructure which has really affected my confidence. My role and others on my level were taken away. Both children are autistic and partner works away two nights a week.

Ive had depression since my early 20s. It is genetic and based on trauma as well. I am exhausted with feeling so crap all the time. I feel worthless, the worlds crappiest mum and jus crap. I have no real close, nearby friends. I do have family nearby but they don’t really know the depth of my sadness. I’ve been seeing a therapist for about 18 months and she has recommended that I see a psychiatrist to explore better medication which is more specific for me. I really don’t want to get to Christmas next year feeling exactly the same as i do now. I am so tired. I want my kids to have the mother they deserve. I have no motivation and if it wasn’t for the kids and partner, I would have been long gone.

Not sure why I’m posting but I guess I want a light at the end of this tunnel.

I really hope so

I have but given it’s now Christmas, I don’t know when she’ll reply. Neither do I know when a private psychiatrist will be able to see me. I’ve just had a massive demotion at work so the financial aspect worries me but I need to do something.

I would hope that if you conveyed the urgency you have on this thread… that the therapist would respond with dets.

in the meantime, start researching local private psychiatrist in case you don’t hear from her

You're getting some harsh comments on here OP and I'm not sure why - perhaps people think the ' tough love' approach works, I don't think it does. You need a metaphorical arm round the shoulder, not a prodding. If you can possibly afford to go private, please do so. You ARE worthy of getting help and support. You DO deserve a life free of pain. You WILL get better. I understand how exhausting it is to keep trying over and over and not getting anywhere; the fact you're even engaging in therapy shows your commitment to getting well but sometimes we need the meds as well. A good psychiatrist may be able to suggest alternatives or meds to augment anti depressants, such as antipsychotics or mood stabilizers. Wishing you well.

I’m not sure either. I’m in a deep rut and it’s hard to see the way out. Obvious to an outsider I’m sure but I feel paralysed and exceptionally tired. I’ve googled psychiatrists in my local area and it’s bamboozling.

Hi OP. Sorry to hear you’re feeling this way. I wanted to share my experience because I suspect you might relate.
I’ve had intense mood swings since I was a kid. Struggled massively with relationships/friendships in my teens. Made worse by hormones. I started anti-depressants in my 20s when I was first diagnosed with depression. On and off anti-depressants and having counselling through my 20s and into my 30s. Somewhere along the line I realised I might be ND. I was diagnosed initially with Autism and later ADHD. Getting those diagnoses and fully understanding who I am was genuinely life-changing. ADHD medication has made a huge difference. I used to struggle to get up in the mornings. On my days off, I’d be virtually catatonic on the sofa, binge watching TV. I’d keep saying ‘I’ll do things after the next episode’ but I just couldn’t. Turns out it was low dopamine! ADHD meds gave me that oomph and clarity of thought that antidepressants never did. Don’t get me wrong, antidepressants did at least ease the intensity of the low moods and I wouldn’t be here without them, but they never really did much beyond numb me.
If you’re in England, you don’t have to go private for ND assessment. You can ask for an NHS assessment or do Right to chose where you get an NHS referral to a private provider of your choice. I can explain more about that if it’s helpful.
I’m not saying your are ND, but I would
definitely suggest looking into it if you feel
like your experience is similar to mine.

@Regularmumm Don't be an arsehole. That's hardly going to help.

@Depressedandthensome go easy on yourself, posting must have been hard and is a step in the right direction. Focus on the next step for now which is the psychiatrist. This can give you a goal and take it from there with whatever they may say.

I don't have any personal recommendations but psychiatry uk always gets a mention on here - I think they offer zoom calls so not face to face. There's a pricing structure and detailed protocol explanation on their website. Could this be something you could look at? People often describe depression the way you do, it's not all crying and unbearable sadness, it's the numbness, flatness of emotions, chronic emptiness, procrastination...

Thanks for the info just posted. The ND stuff is possible I think. I just know the waiting lists are years long, well they were for my kids.

Hi, i really feel for you and hope my comments may strike a chord for you.
I have been depressed on and off for many years but 15 years ago my H decided to leave and I took it very, very badly, literally cried every day for about three years, although socialising, dancing, singing, walking and Tai Chi.

I was just miserable. It didn't always show but I was. Went through various medications with limited success. Several counsellors, but I knew all along that my childhood had nothing to do with my failure to recover.

Anyway, two things that matter. Look very carefully at everything you eat. Simply eating less will mean less of the baddies! Low carb generally and whatever else. I'm getting through a lot of greek yogurt at the moment.

FWIW i'm on Duluxetine now ... who knows if it's helping.

What has definitely helped very much is the Flow headset. It passes a tiny bit of electrical current through your brain. 5 days a week for a while then twice a week, At about two weeks in I woke up and thought, puzzled, I'm not miserable"

Please look into it. Some people complain about the cost, but health and happiness mean more than almost anything else: some areas do it in the NHS.

I'd love to see how you get on.

Jesus ❤️

I only waited 9 months for my ADHD assessment, although that was a couple pf
years ago. The advantage of Right to chose is you can pick the shortest waiting list.

OP please keep posting here - you’re not alone (and try and silence the tough love critics.) It’s hard to take on board how unwell you really are -
it’s hard to admit to yourself how bad things have got. That’s understandable. But keep talking and sharing and accepting help. The psychiatrist referral could be the start of something really positive. And you deserve good things so lean in and take it. And if you feel doubt talk to us on here.

OP wishing you very well.please keep looking. I would second the ND low dopamine ADHD line of investigation. The procrastination aspect does sound like maybe that’s connected with it. Could be ND is connected with this long term depression too. I have ND family and it’s all around me. Affects everyone differently but the accompanying depression has been serious for some of them.
How about taking the clean blank slate of this New Year and marking that with looking into nhs assessment and Right to choose? Wishing you health and happiness, you are very precious and just as important to look after as everyone around you.

If you have any comments on which specific meds were helpful I would love to hear more. I struggle to understand what symptoms relate to (inattentive) ADHD and which to autism and what possible treatments might be possible to hope for. The same combination seems to affect my family members differently.

Over the years I’ve tried a few, I’ll list them:
Citalopram - not too bad, gave me a hand tremor 🤷🏻‍♀️
Sertraline - gave me awful nausea, only relieved by eating. Also had horrible nightmares
Paroxitine - more nightmares
Lofepramine - probably helped the most, took it the longest. Gave me bad dizziness on standing that took some time to settle.
I’m on Amitriptyline for migraine prevention, which is okay but I can’t take a high enough dose for therapeutic benefit for low mood (makes me like a zombie above 30 mg, therapeutic dose is 70 mg)
I take Amitriptyline alongside Elvanse (Lisdexamfetamine) for ADHD. Stimulants for ADHD don’t suit everyone. I’m lucky it helps me without much in the way of side-effects. I do have to take it by 9am or I can’t sleep. Initially it killed my appetite but that didn’t last more than a few weeks. I take a higher dose when I get PMS for the week because it’s less effective around that time. Turns out dopamine uptake is linked to oestrogen so when that drops, a lot of women need a higher dose.
Hope that’s helpful.

Getting paranoid about work colleagues now as two of them, who I thought were close, had not replied to any messages since last week. Thinking HR might have told them to not contact me.

How long have you been signed off for?

Does your husband WFH?

What do HR know? Ie have you been open about why you need the time off?

OP it’s not your workplace HR’s business surely to regulate private friendships outside of work. Maybe assume for now that it’s Christmas hecticness that’s keeping your friends occupied and just send a follow up in a few days wishing them a happy Christmas and New Year. This is a tricky time for a lot of people so try not to take it personally without evidence to do so. If you see what I mean.

Can I make a suggestion OP, something that helps me when I'm super depressed and seeing everything through the lens of catastrophy? Mute your phone or turn it off if at all possible. It stops you reaching impulsively for it to check if they've replied. If you can't see it, you can't check and when you're in a better headspace and the paranoia has quietened down, turn it back on. By then the feelings should have lifted.

This is so helpful thank you so much. I get migraines too, so commiserations.. Amytriptyline and Nortripyline had heavy sleeping pill effects on me too, and I couldn’t function until lunchtime and didn’t feel safe like that so I stopped taking them. No anti-Ds at all now and I wonder if it might help to restart with another type, or if I should try a lot of exercise first/as well. I used to be very physically active and felt much better back then.

In case this helps you at all- to prevent migraines i take Candesartan daily which only takes the edge off but also have Sumitriptan to take when the migraines happen and that’s absolutely magic. Pain just goes within about 30 mins whereas no other painkiller could touch it. Still get the spacey migraine feeling but I can cope with that.

I’m pleased to hear that the Elvanse worked for you. I do suspect my problems are around dopamine and I also see these type of symptoms in my ND female relatives around their hormonal changes, now that I think I have recognised it in myself. Very helpful to recognise all that, if there is the possibility of some treatments to try.

I would be vvvv wary of Venlafaxine. Made me suicidal. Plenty of other meds to try. It's a bugger to come off too. Good luck.x

Get the music on and dance. Do get outside for a walk too.

Thanks for the replies. I’ve been sleeping so much the last few days.