Depression for years - just want it to stop

[Depressedandthensome]

As we head into another new year, I reflect back on how many Chritmases I’ve thought “this year will be different.” I am so tired of feeling this way. I am late 40s, 2 kids and married. On paper I have a good life, ex teacher now working in education but recently demoted in a team restructure which has really affected my confidence. My role and others on my level were taken away. Both children are autistic and partner works away two nights a week.

Ive had depression since my early 20s. It is genetic and based on trauma as well. I am exhausted with feeling so crap all the time. I feel worthless, the worlds crappiest mum and jus crap. I have no real close, nearby friends. I do have family nearby but they don’t really know the depth of my sadness. I’ve been seeing a therapist for about 18 months and she has recommended that I see a psychiatrist to explore better medication which is more specific for me. I really don’t want to get to Christmas next year feeling exactly the same as i do now. I am so tired. I want my kids to have the mother they deserve. I have no motivation and if it wasn’t for the kids and partner, I would have been long gone.

Not sure why I’m posting but I guess I want a light at the end of this tunnel.

I’ve been seeing a therapist for about 18 months and she has recommended that I see a psychiatrist to explore better medication which is more specific for me.

follow the advice. For you and your family.

Have you tried EMDR for trauma? This was life changing for me.

I will be following her advice but just desperate to feel better now although I know I’ll have to wait until the new year to sort an appointment out.

What os EMDR?

What med are you currently on?

Venlafaxine 150mg per day.

How long? Would you consider increasing dosage?

Hi OP. I feel for you, it’s horrible. I’ve suffered on and off since I was a teenager and refuse to come off anti depressants as they make me feel somewhat normal! Just wanted to say I can understand how you feel and I hope the cloud lifts soon x

I just wanted to tell you that you aren't alone op, try to be patient with yourself, be kind and gentle with how you speak to yourself and take one day at a time.

It sounds awful OP and you sound really lacking in self esteem. Are you able to go out, have fun, exercise?

Ditto

I’ve been on Venlafaxine since around March but before that I’ve been on Citalopram or Sertraline before that for years.

i just feel utterly hopeless. My mind is messy. I’m not present on a daily basis. I’m living behind a glass watching everyone else around me living their life. I feel like I’m stuck in the past. I feel there are things locked deep inside me that I don’t know about. I wake up everyday and I just feel so lost. My therapist is lovely but I just feel stuck. Can different medication really help?

do you work? How supportive is your partner?

I don't want to be glib or patronising but... exercise, different types even if you have to grit your teeth first, something will float your boat eventually. And the side effects are pretty good too.

I understand OP, I’ve struggled with depression since I was a young child. I don’t really have any advice except I’ve been trying to be more positive and not linger on bad thoughts. I don’t feel happy but I definitely cry a bit less now.

Look up EMDR op. I have a therapist friend who does it for the NHS, she was really sceptical at first (she's an art therapist 'really'), but she's a total convert and believes it's a very powerful treatment.

I’ve never been a massive fan of exercise. I prefer dancing and walking, not hardcore like the gym. Why am I missing?

I think you need your dose increased- I’m on 300mg Venlafaxine a day.

I have been signed off work at the moment but I work full time from home.

And your partner? Supportive?

How are you managing to parent?

I think critical thing to do is to follow your therapists advice. Psychiatrist and medication.

you say that you prefer dancing and walking… are you doing these things?

It must be really isolating working from home and having no friends. Do you have any hobbies? I would start with one thing you enjoy and go every week. You need to get out and engage with the world bit by bit. Is your partner supportive?

@Depressedandthensome i am sort of in similar boat. I’m looking at going private for a psychiatrist medication review.
I don’t know how you are financially but I think it’s approx £350 for a one hour session. They may have some good ideas about what treatment will be helpful plus give you support from a key worker and also a psychiatrist review. I think however that the wait for psych could be around 3 months so that’s why I’m thinking of going private. Plus you have to meet the threshold for the NHS care - I have bipolar disorder and have had a recent crisis in August where I ended up in a crisis bed and we are still not100% they will accept as they have such a demand 🤦‍♀️
if it helps - you really are not alone, there’s lots of people here who feel similar ❤️

Exercise releases chemicals that make you feel good. Consistent exercise keeps you topped up. I haven't needed any anxiety meds since I started regular training.

It doesn't have to be gym, if you like dancing there are classes that will hit that spot.

Have you also considered that you might be autistic as well if your children are? It's usually genetic and undiagnosed adults usually suffer long term depression as the world just doesn't fit right for them. Many girls end up with a EUPD diagnosis for eg when they actually have unsupported autism.

You’re not alone op.

Why don’t you follow the therapist advice OP? And also get exercising very hard, it really lifts mood.