I feel like I am a game of kerplunk

[IAmKerplunk]

Does anyone understand what I mean? I try to manage my mental health with medication and regular counselling but the minute something goes wrong I feel all my marbles drop I lose all hope and I have moved 10 steps back. Does anyone understand what I mean?

I remember kerplunk 😊and I understand what you mean; your resilience levels can't cope (or more to the point, think they can't cope) when you have a set back. Can you pinpoint when and why these feelings started? Most of us feel a bit battered by life sometimes but recognise that bad times are part and parcel of it all. What hope are you losing?

That’s it - I have very little resilience. I don’t cope well with adulting if even the slightest thing happens. I am ok as long as life is going ok. I don’t know how to get better at it or become more resilient and it is worrying me that it may cost me my job.

If anything goes wrong or I am not sure about something then I ignore, hide and put my head in the sand which invariably means the original not that big of a deal issue snowballs so then I can’t cope even more.

If you keep behaving in the same way then nothing will change. I’ve been where you are and only you can force yourself to change. I know it’s scary but you CAN do it! I believe in you! Just pick one thing at a time.

I know. It’s hard to know where to start. I feel as though I am stuck in a vicious circle.
I hate myself for letting small things derail me. I do so well for ages then…

What would you like to change? Give me 5 specific things.

If you’re doing well for ages, don’t let one speed bump derail the whole train. I said I would do yoga/stretch before bed every day. I don’t do it every day, but where as I used to give up for months and kick myself for being a failure when I missed a day now I say, hey that’s ok, and try again the next day. But it takes a gargantuan effort to do this.

What does not copying or being derailed look like for you?

I struggle to open letters
I struggle with managing my finances
I face my past more than my future
I struggle with car maintenance
I struggle with prioritising at work
I can’t organise myself
I don’t respect or like myself even though my head tells me I should and objectively I think I should

Are you getting any medical help with your mental health? Talking therapy/antidepressants?

Start with the letters. One a day. Go on, open one now! You can do it!

Missing a payment and not sorting it straight away, not reading a warranty so end up out of pocket, avoiding a warning light on my car (because it only comes on sporadically) to the point it causes bigger problems, not communicating properly with my manager because I am scared, going into freeze motion whenever anything happens and it’s like my body and brain literally shut down and I am exhausted.

I Was prescribed medication in January and that really really helped. I was having weekly counselling through a suicide charity but I stopped it because I felt it wasn’t challenging me enough and was agreeing with me too much and almost supporting my thought process which I really think needs to change.

Good luck OP, you can change, start small, and be kind to yourself. Really. One letter a day, if you don’t open one today then tomorrow is a fresh slate. It won’t be half so bad as the anticipation.

Not as extreme, but I recognise that avoidant tendency. Something that helps me a bit is to have three lists, all on Google docs.
One is a general ‘to do’ list where I dump everything I think of. One is a list of things I absolutely have to do today. On the third is a ‘done’ list where I put the day of the week at the top and cut and paste things from my to do list to my done list.
If you break things down into small steps (like taking letters out of their envelopes or booking an appointment) then you have more things to put on your done list, and I find it helps me not to get downhearted at my general to do list never getting any shorter.

Try setting aside a specific time each week to handle your post. Open one letter at a time. Make it a routine, may be with a cup of hot chocolate?

I used to use budgeting apps. Not quite up to date but I’m sure there’s some good ones. Also, automate bills, credit card payments and savings - direct debits/ standing order.

Re ruminating, it might help to journal about your feelings regarding your past and future. Write down what you’re grateful for in the present and what you hope to achieve. Talking to a friend as often as you need?

Car maintenance -delegate/ pay someone to do it for you. A reminder on phone for basic things that you have to do yourself.

At work, start each day by identifying the top three tasks you want to accomplish. Break larger projects into smaller steps to make them more manageable.

Use planners or digital calendars to keep track of appointments and to-dos. Develop a daily routine with time for organisation - may be, when drinking your morning coffee?

To love yourself better start by acknowledging your strengths and achievements, no matter how small. Practice positive affirmations and try to challenge negative thoughts when they arise. Consider engaging in activities that you enjoy and that make you feel good about yourself. Do more life - gardening, hiking, being with people, paint blobs on a canvas…

Right now, I’d start by sitting with a notebook and a pencil. Do you have a nice, unused one?

I know and have done all the lists - arranged everything so it is unlikely anything can be missed. But the smallest thing can crush me (see - no resilience) and the self loathing increases ten fold. Dreading work tomorrow because I am pathetic there too. Not valued or needed anywhere and why would I be when i dont function properly as an adult? Logically I know what I have to do. I just can’t seem to do it - or when I can manage to do it I can’t sustain it. It’s pathetic it really is.

Hi OP, I am quite similar to you in some ways so reading all these replies with interest. Did you have the sort of relationship with your parents where they would sort all your problems for you? My parents never gave me the tools to learn how to deal with anything. My DF would step in and take over. If any difficult conversations had to be had, he would sort it and just make things ‘go away’. I also had quite low self-esteem growing up although I am 54 now and still struggle with self-doubt at times. The not opening post and procrastination really resonates with me.

Yes! My dad did/does exactly that. My mum took her life when I was 16 and I still feel stuck at 16 even though I am 50. I don’t feel worthy or deserving of anything.

Have you ever looked at the criteria for adult ADHD and does that fit at all?

The way you describe feeling is very familiar to me, I was diagnosed in adulthood, I had no idea it could present this way.

It has been mentioned to me. What did a diagnosis mean to you? I don’t honestly know what is my personality, what is childhood trauma/losing my mum, possible adhd or just general crapness. I just know it has to change because I can’t risk my job and I can’t continue to live like this. It’s exhausting and unhealthy

Start writing these lists. Literally brain dump everything that needs to be done and tick them off bit by bit. It will help you take control. Can you also try a different counsellor? Do you have an occupational health scheme at work? I am really sorry about your Mum 🌺

We do have a work scheme that I have accessed before (and probably will again just as a stop gap) but they only offer 10 sessions in a 12 month period and said I needed more than that. I can’t afford the £40+ counselling costs - I thought the charity I had recently found who focus on survivors of suicide would be perfect but as lovely as they were it felt like - the only way I can explain it is imagine an awful weed in your garden, the recent counselling helped me dead head the weed so the garden looked alright but the weeds roots were still growing under the surface and at any opportunity those weeds would sprout up elsewhere. I know that sounds ridiculous but that is how I see it in my head. I can’t just keep dead heading the weeds, I need to reduce the roots as much as I can but I don’t know how.
Reading that back I must sound crazy but of everything I know about myself crazy I am not

A lot of this sounds very similar to me before I was diagnosed with ADHD and medicated. It made a huge difference. Like you I also had yrauma to work through but once I was medicated I could focus on moving forward rather than feeling trapped in a burning building with bits of it falling around me.

It doesn’t sound crazy and I totally get it. No wonder you’re so exhausted with it all. Can you get signed off work for a couple of weeks (or more) and take some time out to just focus on you and getting sorted? Is there a friend IRL you can talk to and get them on board for support?

I was going to come back to this thread and suggest a mindfulness book I found helpful (by Mark Williams) but it sounds as if possible ADHD might be the most useful thing to pursue.