I feel like I am a game of kerplunk

[IAmKerplunk]

Does anyone understand what I mean? I try to manage my mental health with medication and regular counselling but the minute something goes wrong I feel all my marbles drop I lose all hope and I have moved 10 steps back. Does anyone understand what I mean?

I can’t afford to get signed off - I was signed off November -Feb last/this year so I think i
would be on SSP plus I don’t think it would help me - I need to go in and face it. When I returned in March I didn’t have a return to work interview (that are compulsory) not have I had a supervision since Jan (I returned for 2 weeks in Jan) which are supposed to be 6 weekly and this just compounds my feeling that I don’t matter because I see management falling over themselves to offer them to everybody else but not me. So I am not valued. I’m not saying that is the case but it is how my brain works - that nobody cares.

Look up neuroplasticity. You’re not ‘fully cooked’/set in stone at any age.
Most of us have read books that helped us reframe our thoughts and changed our mindsets. I am not going to recommend anything specific, but I recommend grabbing a good book to read every time you feel things are getting overwhelming.

Have you thought about adhd?

Well I am outside work and willing myself to go in. I know I am in for a shit storm and I think I will email manager and ask for a supervision to head off anything.

Yes! My dad did/does exactly that. My mum took her life when I was 16 and I still feel stuck at 16 even though I am 50. I don’t feel worthy or deserving of anything.

Have you had any help with this, specifically? It's never too late to let your mind move on and to accept that you are as worthy and deserving as everyone else.

How did work go today, OP?

I have tried various counselling over the years but it never felt like what I thought it would be if that makes sense? I end up saying what I think the counsellor wants to hear because I want them to be pleased with me. I think I expected more challenging - as in they would challenge me more rather than agree with me?

I got it through it thanks. Asked my boss for a supervision but didn’t get a response. I am dreading the first time we speak because I know she is gunning for me. But I am proud of myself for making it in and I have some lovely colleagues. Just got to make sure I get up and do it again tomorrow

Well done for going OP, you’ve done it once, you can do it again.
I trick myself into doing things by reminding myself it will end. Your shift won’t last for ever. By 5pm or whatever you can go home.

It does sound like ADD. (ADD is the same as ADHD but without the hyperactivity element). Your frontal lobe in your brain just does not engage, making it really difficult to get through certain tasks.

I always thought it was because I was stuck at 16. Years ago counsellor told me that when something really traumatic happens in your life you can get stuck at that age.
Whatever the reason for it I have to do better - it costs me money, friends, relationships.
Ironically I am so on it with my dc because my biggest fear is they will end up like me. DS15 is diagnosed autistic and dd20 strongly suspects she is but they are the opposite to me. They face things head on, don’t hide from anything and can’t bear not having a clear and organised mind whereas my head is like a brain full of mixed up balls of wool that I don’t even know how to begin to untangle.

I am definitely not hyperactive 🤣 I spend my life living by my 10minute timer on my phone to get me to focus and do things.