Toxic family mess

[junefrog]

I’m feeling really lost with my family and don’t know what to do.

A while ago my BIL behaved horribly towards my best friend — to the point that it’s impossible for them to ever be in the same room again. I posted about it at the time, he was aggressive, homophobic and egregiously nasty.

This wasn’t just someone on the sidelines, it’s someone who’s been on holidays with us, spent Christmas with us, very close. I said I was upset about BIL’s behaviour and was basically told to “get over it.” Since then, it feels like I’ve been cast out for daring to speak up.

My mum insists she’s about “kindness” and “values,” but she’s never once called him out. Instead, everyone seems to have closed ranks around him. My sister (his wife) is annoyed with me, and my other sister has started ignoring me for no reason.

The final straw was when my sister went behind my back and messaged my ex (who was abusive) to arrange for my son to go to her child’s birthday party (on my weekend). She didn’t even message me first. I find that totally inappropriate and sly, given what she knows about the abuse.

On top of that, they all recently went for a family photoshoot and I wasn’t invited. My oldest sister and niece came back from where they live abroad and I tried to reach out, and she ignored me. It feels like I’ve been erased.

I’m dreading Christmas. I feel like I’ve got no family. The hurt of my sister messaging my ex instead of me is not something I can just “get over.” I desperately want a functional relationship with family, but not one where my views and feelings are constantly sidelined. I’ve genuinely done nothing wrong other than say BILs behaviour was really awful. I can't understand why me being upset is worse than the behaviour in the first place.

I don’t want to prevent my son having relationships with his cousins and grandparents, but I also don’t want him around this toxic mess or people who deliberately cut me out. In truth, I feel much more peace when I have no contact at all, but then they pop up vaguely here and there and reopen the hurt.

AIBU to feel completely excommunicated and like there’s no way back from this?

Yes, definitely. Name change too if possible - these beings have long reaches. They don't want you, they certainly don't love you ( impossible for them, " love " is purely transactional and based on who can provide the most and provide the most flattering mirror), they actually hate you. But strangely enough, they will never ever let you go willingly. You have to protect yourself - even the slightest info about your life will be used and weaponised, but give them nothing and they'll simply make up lies to replace the truth anyway. And all the little flying monkeys who have been sucked into the chaos will be happy to feed the monster, as long as the negative attention is off them and they can remain safe. They'll happily throw you to the wolves.

@junefrog can't name change her dc will be seeing her df.

Interestingly two friends took their husbands generic name after they moved away and married.
They never wanted to be contacted.
Another friend was contacted 15 years later by their golden boy son, who inherited the farm, but whose wife had no interest in his parents or caring for them.

He reached out to some of her friends for contact details as they wanted her to return home to care for them.
Needless to say she didn't.
Her god mother left her a lovely small farm with good road frontage that was worth a lot and bordered her family's land.
They were furious when she sold it to a neighbouring farmer.
They had never shown her an ounce of loyalty, yet expected it from her.

I would start a long term plan to move away. Don’t think of it as running away, think of it as gaining your freedom. If you are not in the same place as them, you won’t see all the favouritism, they can’t be involved with your life.

You don’t have to go no contact, but it enables you to be low contact without any fuss. Of course contact will be less, you will be 30/50/100 miles away. Be prepared for questioning, remember the MN favourite, ‘that doesn’t work for me’ is a perfectly good response, no further reason or excuses needed. You can take control and decide when you want to see them and for how long -‘ it will be a flying visit as I will be in the area anyway.’
Nothing will change unless you change it. Make that change happen so that your current life is not how you live the rest of your life.

Always the way.

Yes she can