Toxic family mess

[junefrog]

I’m feeling really lost with my family and don’t know what to do.

A while ago my BIL behaved horribly towards my best friend — to the point that it’s impossible for them to ever be in the same room again. I posted about it at the time, he was aggressive, homophobic and egregiously nasty.

This wasn’t just someone on the sidelines, it’s someone who’s been on holidays with us, spent Christmas with us, very close. I said I was upset about BIL’s behaviour and was basically told to “get over it.” Since then, it feels like I’ve been cast out for daring to speak up.

My mum insists she’s about “kindness” and “values,” but she’s never once called him out. Instead, everyone seems to have closed ranks around him. My sister (his wife) is annoyed with me, and my other sister has started ignoring me for no reason.

The final straw was when my sister went behind my back and messaged my ex (who was abusive) to arrange for my son to go to her child’s birthday party (on my weekend). She didn’t even message me first. I find that totally inappropriate and sly, given what she knows about the abuse.

On top of that, they all recently went for a family photoshoot and I wasn’t invited. My oldest sister and niece came back from where they live abroad and I tried to reach out, and she ignored me. It feels like I’ve been erased.

I’m dreading Christmas. I feel like I’ve got no family. The hurt of my sister messaging my ex instead of me is not something I can just “get over.” I desperately want a functional relationship with family, but not one where my views and feelings are constantly sidelined. I’ve genuinely done nothing wrong other than say BILs behaviour was really awful. I can't understand why me being upset is worse than the behaviour in the first place.

I don’t want to prevent my son having relationships with his cousins and grandparents, but I also don’t want him around this toxic mess or people who deliberately cut me out. In truth, I feel much more peace when I have no contact at all, but then they pop up vaguely here and there and reopen the hurt.

AIBU to feel completely excommunicated and like there’s no way back from this?

This is so sad to read OP and your post above sounds like you have full insight into the situation. It isn't your fault or your failing.

Hope someone more knowledgeable than me can answer your questions

So my best friend and my brother in law work in a large company together. They have zero interaction because it's an org of thousands of people. But then my brother in law got his sister and inroad into the org and she happened to work adjacent to my friends team so he had some (minimal) management oversight. She started making homophobic comments to colleagues about my friend who is gay and it got back to him and then she did it outright and was actively nasty. So then he raised with HR. And my brother in law got annoyed because he felt like she's family and it shouldn't be raised. My friend is so close to me, he's been on holidays with our family, spent Christmas with us, babysat my BIL kids. It's not like he's on the peripheries, he's been an essential part of our family life for 20 years. Then all of a sudden, there was a Christmas do and my brother in law squared up to my friend and got aggressive because he'd spoken to HR about his sister's homophobia. And then my own sister (BIL wife) stood up for her sister in law etc. I tried to tell my parents my friend did nothing and was on the receiving end of horrendous bullying and my mum basically shut me down. Does that make sense? Apologies a lot of convoluted stuff

You can go no contact, I did with mine and it was much better but there’s still a twinge of sadness

Can I ask how? Did you tell them or just reduce contact gradually?

Have you realised the dynamics of your upbringing made you susceptible to your ex? That’s why you weren’t aware of red flags. Your family is a whole bunting. You didn’t develop safe boundaries, see healthy disagreement etc.

You are doing really well to recognise this stuff now. The next step is to let go of the pain and see it as a situation to manage. They are obstacles and challenges to work round.

My kids have excellent people skills as a result of learning to manage my mum.

Do you know about grey rock? That’s how you do it. Slow fade until you are comfortable. No drama. Just quietly disentangle yourself emotionally and practically. Put them on an information diet, give them nothing to engage with.
Be boring. Never pushback never argue. Talk about the weather.

Have loads of nonsense phrases up your sleeve so you can speak while saying nothing of substance:
oh really? Do you think? What a shame. Oh dear. That sounds difficult. You sound fed up. That must have been fun. That’s nice. Gosh, how scary. Oh, that’s nice.

You are not relationship building, you are managing a tricky client/situation/colleague

Wow, what a brilliant insightful post. I'm taking lessons from that. Thank you! From one toxic family scapegoat to another

@ReleaseTheDucksOfWar sorry, meant to address my post to you

This is all so helpful and so resonant it's making me emotional but in a good way cos I know now it's not just me being drama which I've been taught to think..it's actually happening

It sounds like I have a very similar family to you OP so sending much love and solidarity of the ‘I get it’ kind.

Interestingly after the last family argument (with my sister’s boyfriend) I seem to have inadvertently started to grey rock. I did have one slip up where I shared more with my mum than I had meant to which has had some consequences but actually has helped me on this journey.

I think I have reconciled that my family are now at a distance from me and my child but in turn this has made it easier to build a life for us without them in it; the grass is greener where it is watered and all that.

But there is less stress, less anxiety and less drama - these are all wins to me.

I want a nice life where people like me for the person I am. And I am a much better person not being crippled by the anxiety that my immediate family makes me feel.

Do you think you are safe? You may need to ring someone for help.

You don’t have no family. You have a child that depends on you.

You are breaking a cycle of abuse which is awesome- you are brave and determined and can do this.

No dont do that - you have so much to live for. Your child who loves you and wants you and a whole life ahead of you without the burden of your family.

I promise it gets easier and then you will realise that it is easier without the toxicity in your life.

Your mother seems to be the root of the problem so she is the one to tackle, if you get her on side ( even if it means faking being nice to her) then the others should follow suit eventually…..do you think?

Where does your Dad stand in all of this?

Avoid all contact with any of them for a few weeks /months ( that includes looking at their social media) , see how you feel when they are not in your lives, they might come round when they see they might not get to see your child again…..if they want to see your child (and you) then they can learn to behave themselves, just because they are your family is not enough reason to put up with this……your mother sounds like a shitstirring traitor who will side with the crowd even if she knows they are in the wrong rather than having the guts to do the right thing

I've read many times psychologists say that most often the family "scapegoat" is the mentally healthiest member of the family. What you're dealing with there doesn't sound at all healthy. You're the only one to be honest and call out poor behaviour and for that you've been ostracised. It speaks volumes about the rest of them.

It seems you've two choices. Either deny your authentic self and toe the line to fit in with the family dynamic with the resultant negative impact on your mental health; or break free and go no contact. You say that you're most at peace when you have no contact with them. Therein lies your answer.

I envy people who have close knit families because with the exception of a few decent, kind people in my family (all sadly now passed over) the rest are very similar to yours. I had the same decision to make as the one you now face. I thought about it for months and eventually went NC. It was hard at first being familyless but I'm used to it now and my life is so much more peaceful.

I hope you find also find peace with your situation.

Reframe this as a gift, she has shown you that she is awful…it’s an unforgivable thing to do, lacking all morals…the mask slipped she showed you she is without character, it hurts it will take time but let them go..you tried their values are no good

I remember your other thread.

I hope you can cut them out of your life. They're all terrible people. Your dm is nuts.

Speak to someone if you're feeling suicidal. You have your ds to live for. Life will get better. It just feels like it won't whilst you're going through this storm.

Keep posting here for support.

Do you have many friends in rl? Apart from the friend who they've bullied. Friends can be more important than those you happen to be related to.

I can relate, i saw my family around 3/4 times a year because of how toxic things were. I saw my younger brother 1 time in 4 years. My family hate me with a passion and what they do is talk to me ask questions which i answer then they use these things to slander me behind my back.
But...
They are your family, you only get one family, stay in contact and try damage control.

Oh OP I’m so sorry.
At the very least just take a break from them for a month or so. Mute the chat and don’t answer their calls. Just say ‘I’m taking a break’ if anyone asks.
Spend some time with your child, have some nice days out and take some nice photos of the two of you.
I feel for you, I know exactly how this feels.

This is absolutely it.

It would be easier to mute them on social media so you dont see their posts and stories. Trust me its very helpful as for your mom she would never admit shes done wrong, distance yourself from her, dont discuss important topics with her. The incident with the tent tells me shes a narcissist, she’s probably jealous, I wouldnt allow my child around someone like that.

Op just stop contacting them for a few weeks, block on social media and see how you feel after a few weeks. Once you have accepted they will not change whatever you do, you will be able to deal with them in a way that you can cope with. It would be a shame for your son if he has no contact at all with the rest of the family, which is why what @myplace said resonates with me. Build your boundaries and be the best mum you can be to your son.

Incidentally I wouldn't be agreeing with my son seeing their father or agreeing to see family when it's my weekend to be with my son. Just say no. That's another boundary you might like to build.

Choices..

To stop seeing your family posts and to move on without family - don't know how that works out for when your ex has your child? Your child could be vulnerable.

To try to see the work place fight and PR report between BIL and old friend as just that - a work place disagreement between the two of them - handled at work. The fall out is that old friend is no longer welcome at family functions with BIL.
Your family know how you feel about the homophobic comments but it's not up to you to fix that woman. The work place should have dealt with the situation.

I think it would be best for YOU to retain respectful contact with the family for the sake of your son (and to accept that large family gatherings do not include old friend) but to spend far less time with them and more time with friends of similar values.

I concur with grey rock in conjunction with therapy to help you talk through the harsh reality about your family dynamic. Once you square up to the truth you can begin to grieve the family you never had and it does become possible to detach.

If your son still gains something from the family relationships I would hold fire on going no contact for now. This also gives you some processing time to evaluate if it is possible for you to manage a reduced form of contact. If you can this can be quite empowering (but zero shame if you find you cannot obvs). However they will eventually almost certainly start treating your son badly too. At that point going no contact for his protection is completely appropriate.