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How to get through this month and beyond…

30 replies

piscofrisco · 29/08/2025 07:49

September is going to be a tricky month for me. My lovely Dad died 3 weeks ago and his funeral is next week. He leaves my Mum who is not herself well and lives 200 miles away. This will fall to me to sort out as my brother lives abroad and my sister is…not helpful.
DD2 is going to university in the middle of the month. I’m so proud and excited for her. But privately I’m in bits about her going. She was badly attacked aged 14 and subsequently suffered some pretty awful mental health issues. It’s taken this time to get back on track (and she has, she is flying) but I’m guilty of some (again hidden) hyper vigilance about her and I also absolutely love her to Hang out with so I’m going to miss her immensely.
We are moving house at the end of the month . To an area an hour and a bit away where I know no one at all. It’s a necessary move to be nearer my DSS’s school (we have them 50/50 but they go to school where their mum chose to move to-so we have been doing 2.5 hour long school runs for three years and due to that and other reasons it’s not sustainable). We do have to move and it will make life easier in lots of ways. But I am dreading it. I feel awful for dd2 as she won’t have anywhere she recognises as ‘home’ to come back to (she will have a room at the new house but she will never even have lived in it as she leaves before we move). Dd1 is coming with us as she doesn’t want to live with her Dad (he lives where we live now) but she also knows no one in the new area (so I also feel guilty about that). She is studying from home at the minute and looking for a part time job. I love her to death. But she has a more difficult character at times-and has been quite hard to live with for the last year or so-horrible attitude and behaviour towards us. She needs some help with her MH I think but she won’t agree and at the moment I don’t have the bandwidth to help her, which is also a source of guilt.
I’ve got so much to organise and manage-funeral, around which there is family in fighting, DD’s uni stuff, packing up our house and moving and everything around that and DD1 and her feelings about it all.
I will also need to find a new job but I’m going to commute to my current job (which I absolutely love and will miss when I leave) for now,as job hunting on top is too much.

I just want to get in bed and hide at the minute. I don’t know how to manage all this. Would counselling help? Medication? Feel panicky and heavy and rubbish and for the first time in my life I’ve got no energy to cope with any of this at all.any advice gratefully received

OP posts:
OrangeZebraStripes · 29/08/2025 16:20

Not sure why some posters have laid on you, just ignore them. I think to make this easier you need to prioritise a) the funeral b) setting things in motion for the move c) getting some support for DD2 d) practical bits and bobs to help DD1 settle at Uni and feel like the new home is home e) practical steps towards job hunting.

Alongside this try to be equally empathetic and understanding to both your DDs - listening, giving them patience.

Longer term, counselling for you.

My parents sold the family home when I went to Uni (amidst family divorce).

I grew to love the new place. My advice would be to make a big effort at key moments - Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, seasonal events. That's what all my happy memories of the new place are around.

Abatingnow · 29/08/2025 20:02

Moving when you actually want to move is difficult enough

Moving when it means making your commute much longer, no longer knowing anyone in the area and knowing that your own kids would prefer to stay in the family home…. Must be almost intolerably difficult

OpheliaNightingale · 29/08/2025 21:05

@piscofriscoare you ok OP? I cannot believe how unkind some Mumsnetters can be, and especially a recently bereaved person x

Jenkibuble · 29/08/2025 22:33

piscofrisco · 29/08/2025 07:49

September is going to be a tricky month for me. My lovely Dad died 3 weeks ago and his funeral is next week. He leaves my Mum who is not herself well and lives 200 miles away. This will fall to me to sort out as my brother lives abroad and my sister is…not helpful.
DD2 is going to university in the middle of the month. I’m so proud and excited for her. But privately I’m in bits about her going. She was badly attacked aged 14 and subsequently suffered some pretty awful mental health issues. It’s taken this time to get back on track (and she has, she is flying) but I’m guilty of some (again hidden) hyper vigilance about her and I also absolutely love her to Hang out with so I’m going to miss her immensely.
We are moving house at the end of the month . To an area an hour and a bit away where I know no one at all. It’s a necessary move to be nearer my DSS’s school (we have them 50/50 but they go to school where their mum chose to move to-so we have been doing 2.5 hour long school runs for three years and due to that and other reasons it’s not sustainable). We do have to move and it will make life easier in lots of ways. But I am dreading it. I feel awful for dd2 as she won’t have anywhere she recognises as ‘home’ to come back to (she will have a room at the new house but she will never even have lived in it as she leaves before we move). Dd1 is coming with us as she doesn’t want to live with her Dad (he lives where we live now) but she also knows no one in the new area (so I also feel guilty about that). She is studying from home at the minute and looking for a part time job. I love her to death. But she has a more difficult character at times-and has been quite hard to live with for the last year or so-horrible attitude and behaviour towards us. She needs some help with her MH I think but she won’t agree and at the moment I don’t have the bandwidth to help her, which is also a source of guilt.
I’ve got so much to organise and manage-funeral, around which there is family in fighting, DD’s uni stuff, packing up our house and moving and everything around that and DD1 and her feelings about it all.
I will also need to find a new job but I’m going to commute to my current job (which I absolutely love and will miss when I leave) for now,as job hunting on top is too much.

I just want to get in bed and hide at the minute. I don’t know how to manage all this. Would counselling help? Medication? Feel panicky and heavy and rubbish and for the first time in my life I’ve got no energy to cope with any of this at all.any advice gratefully received

I can relate to some of your woes. Both my kids go to uni this September too. I would encourage your daughter to make contact with the pastoral support there (as she is 18 I would imagine they would not communicate with you directly) Emsure she has some good coping strategies etc / contact numbers eg CALM / Samaritans as well as you of course. !
My dad is unwell and they (mum too) live 4 hours away. I try to support her as much as I can. I have 2 siblings who IMO dont step up (could do more) and I can not / will not do as much this year as I have done - self preservation I guess.
I have suggested many times (do not now) that she get some external support (carers ) is that an option for your mum ?

The moving sounds like the most practical option (especially as one of your DD has the option to live with her dad if she really wanted to)

Does she drive / could she ?

Abatingnow · 30/08/2025 06:13

Will you be moving nearer or further away from your mother?

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