I’m going to start this by saying I have been diagnosed with postpartum depression, so maybe this is playing into how I am feeling. I have been offered medication to help with the PPD but I struggled with the side effects so came off it. I’m on a waiting list for therapy but don’t have an initial appointment until the end of September. So here goes.
My daughter is 12 weeks old and I regret having her. There are moments where I feel joy and love for her, but these are fleeting and far between. I feel like an absolutely horrible person. I haven’t slept for more than 4/5 hours a night in months, even while I was pregnant before I had her. We had a really traumatic birth that probably didn’t help, I’m still suffering with pelvic floor pain now.
My husband is obsessed with her which makes me feel even worse. I find myself trying to leave her with him while I can go out and do things that make me feel like ‘me’ again (I enjoy going to yoga and Pilates). To be honest it does help, but maybe only for the hour or so that I’m out of the house. As soon as I come home, I’m back to hating my life again.
I find that my mood is heavily dictated by the mood of my daughter. If she’s having a good day, then I generally feel better. However if she’s grumpy, overtired, fussy, or ill, I just fall to pieces and feel like I can’t handle it. As awful as it sounds I don’t think I’m cut out to be a mother. I thought I knew what I was getting myself into but clearly I had no idea, I miss my old life so much. People kept telling me it gets better at 12 weeks but here I am, still feeling this way and still with a fussy, crying newborn who I feel like I don’t understand and she doesn’t understand me.
please offer me some non-judgmental words of wisdom because I feel like the worst person alive right now :(