I regret having my daughter and I feel awful about it

[Rosiebun]

I’m going to start this by saying I have been diagnosed with postpartum depression, so maybe this is playing into how I am feeling. I have been offered medication to help with the PPD but I struggled with the side effects so came off it. I’m on a waiting list for therapy but don’t have an initial appointment until the end of September. So here goes.

My daughter is 12 weeks old and I regret having her. There are moments where I feel joy and love for her, but these are fleeting and far between. I feel like an absolutely horrible person. I haven’t slept for more than 4/5 hours a night in months, even while I was pregnant before I had her. We had a really traumatic birth that probably didn’t help, I’m still suffering with pelvic floor pain now.

My husband is obsessed with her which makes me feel even worse. I find myself trying to leave her with him while I can go out and do things that make me feel like ‘me’ again (I enjoy going to yoga and Pilates). To be honest it does help, but maybe only for the hour or so that I’m out of the house. As soon as I come home, I’m back to hating my life again.

I find that my mood is heavily dictated by the mood of my daughter. If she’s having a good day, then I generally feel better. However if she’s grumpy, overtired, fussy, or ill, I just fall to pieces and feel like I can’t handle it. As awful as it sounds I don’t think I’m cut out to be a mother. I thought I knew what I was getting myself into but clearly I had no idea, I miss my old life so much. People kept telling me it gets better at 12 weeks but here I am, still feeling this way and still with a fussy, crying newborn who I feel like I don’t understand and she doesn’t understand me.

please offer me some non-judgmental words of wisdom because I feel like the worst person alive right now :(

OP I didn’t particularly like my DC when they were born, horrible pregnancy/ birth and they didn’t sleep. I use to joke I would throw them out the window. I never got that rush of love when they were born either that made me feel awful.

The lack of sleep really got to me, after 6 months it got a little better but after a year what a difference a regular full night sleep can make!

For me I would look into how you can sleep better, you have the 4 month sleep regression coming up but I never noticed it with my DC as they slept awful anyway. Maybe at 4 months you can put a plan in place. Gentle sleep training can be recommended by the health visitor and I found feeding them a lot during the day helped.

I did feeding on demand but my DC didn’t do it well, when I swapped to a schedule they gained weight and slept better.

OP you aren’t a monster and you aren’t (won’t be last) to feel like this. Don’t be so hard on yourself ❤️‍🩹

Some babies are fussy. Doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong. Or that you haven't bonded.
Please do continue with the yoga.

OP’s experience is quite normal so asking her to consider a psychiatric facility is extreme. She needs sleep.

@Hotandbotheredaching ah yes, I’m absolutely terrified about the 4 month sleep regression.
We feed on demand too but I keep thinking I need to try and get her onto a schedule. It’s just very hard to predict because sometimes she will go 2 hours between feeds, sometimes nearer towards 4, so I find it difficult to work out and have no idea where to start with getting her onto a schedule.
Thank you for your kind words ❤️‍🩹

Nope you should not feel guilty and in all honesty you shouldn't have to ask.
Does your husband know how little sleep your getting and how much you're struggling.
Looking after a child can be much harder than most jobs and you get no breaks. He needs to step up and shoulder the lack of sleep.

In terms of friends. Peanut app is good to meet mums and baby groups. Baby sensory or massage is lovely and relaxing for both of you and chance to meet people.

You are allowed to grieve your old life @Rosiebun .

I feel very strongly that women should be allowed to do this, but we are told that we need to immediately cast it off and accept this (sometimes hellish) new one.

I cried every day for the first three months and it was about 6 months before I stopped wishing we hadn’t had children. DS was a really good sleeper as well, though I’d also had a traumatic delivery. I wasn’t diagnosed with PPD, just really bad baby blues. The hormones are crazy enough without adding sleep deprivation. Things picked up quite quickly after the 6 months. I had a really supportive Health Visitor, which helped. You’re definitely not an awful person and this is more common than people admit.

I cried for much longer!

I had a traumatic birth and just got on with it. Until my dc was 1 when I had a nervous breakdown - constant panic attacks and anxiety. Thank the universe for sending me a health visitor who recognised how much I was struggling and came and talked with me once a week and did what I now realise were CBT exercises with me and just acknowledged that things were shit. She left the service unexpectedly and I never got to say thank you.

I agree! When you think about it, it's perfectly fine and normal to feel shit and depressed about your life being turned upside down, suffering pain etc from birth, 45 mins of solid sleep per night, losing the freedom to please yourself, heck I even used to be so jealous that my partner went out to work while I was stuck at home. I honestly think it's so normal to feel like this op, it's absolutely nothing you should feel guilty about.

I had PND really bad and I can happily say my child is now nearly 8 years old and my life is a million times better than it was when he was a baby. I did only have the one though as I hated baby stage that much 😂😁

Having a baby is really tough. Realistically it’s going to be tough through baby and toddler stages, and you might not get much more sleep for a while yet. What you need is some more support if you’re finding it too hard. Have you got a health visitor service and children’s centre near you? They often have supportive groups and drop ins where you can get to know the health visitors and some other mums, get support and a bit of structure to the week. Go back to your GP and ask for more help. Does you DP get weekends off? Get him to give you some lie ins to catch up on sleep at the weekend and some baby free time.

She will gradually fall into a schedule, don't feel you need to force it. She's still tiny. Things got better for me at about 14 weeks when mine started to sleep longer and be more predictable, but it's different for everyone.

I absolutely felt I'd ruined my life at first. I think many women do, it's just not socially acceptable to say that. And you don't want to scare expectent mums by telling them it's shit, because they might not feel that way.

You need to prioritise sleep. And get your husband to take baby out for a walk while you exist in your house on your own - it's such a good feeling. It does sound like it's worth trying sertraline as well, it will very likely help (I wish I'd taken it rather than trying to power through).

Exactly this. Of course you hate it, OP. It is, objectively, an awful period. A tiny person you don’t yet know or love causes you appalling pain, then cones to live in your house, only able to communicate via crying, and requiring almost constant attention for mysterious sources of dissatisfaction she can’t tell you about. It absolutely gets better, but I also only had one.

OP, please don't let people scare you about the 4 month regression. I much prefer the term progression as its just a change in how they sleep differently to a newborn. One of mine had a little shakeup for a very short while, another didn't go through it at all. I hate how it's been presented on MM these days as something horrific, don't buy into it.

Ah this time is so tough. I think I was in denial for a solid 3/4 months after the birth of my first - I found it hugely overwhelming and had the "Sunday night dress" every night before the night shift began.

People always say about it getting easier at 12 weeks, I find it typically take a little longer (but not much longer I promise) and I found it disheartening when I got there and it wasn't magically better!

Don't worry about routines/ schedules too much, still try and take each day as it comes, and get as much help from your partner/ family/ friends as possible, as well as more support from the Gp/ talking services. I wish I had reached out. Remember, your husband is working but he isn't going through the continuous hormone waves/ physical recovery/ breastfeeding journey you're on. It sounds like he's enthusiastic so get him involved as much as possible. Looking after a newborn is relentless, and you're not meant to enjoy every moment, just the moments you can

You're not far off some fun times, sitting/ playing/ weaning, and for what it's worth the four month regression made no difference to either of my girls sleep. As with all things it's variable xx

How you’re feeling is normal, it’s really good that you’re receiving some support but there’s nothing wrong with needing more.

As others have said, broken sleep has such a damaging effect on mental health just on its own never mind everything else that comes along with having a new baby. Your husband doing longer stretches in the night a few times a week so you can sleep well may work wonders.

I think it is really positive that you are going to yoga and doing things for yourself. Just because you’re a mum now doesn’t mean you’re not still your own person. Wanting/needing that break from your baby doesn’t mean you are a bad mum or that you don’t love her.

I carefully composed a note in my head when DS was about 12 weeks. I was going to leave him at the desk of the maternity ward with a note saying he was dearly loved but I couldn't cope.
It was, of course, raging PND and sleep deprivation.

He's now 18 and I'm really glad I didn't follow through with my cunning plan.!

Hugs, OP. It gets better pretty quickly. The key thing is getting enough sleep.

Solidarity op, no judgement here.

Sleep deprivation is the WORST and I have spent so much time thinking having kids is not worth the impact it all causes to our wellbeing. You’re certainly not alone.

Remember also that your DH hasn’t been through what you have, and our hormones can take 2 years to get back to ‘normal’ after birth.

I also found maternity leave to be a very lonely and isolating time tbh.

Don’t feel guilty asking DH for help during the night. Looking after a baby is harder than going to work. And he will need to learn to share the load if you then go back to work x

I used to stand in the street outside the house (sometimes in the middle of the night) and imagine running away. I didn't want to be too far away, but I couldn't bear to be too close. It can make you feel properly insane. You are not alone, I promise, and there is help out there.

Just to add that I only had one too. I found the early years very hard (not helped by Covid). My son was about five when I started to feel I could have coped with another... but by that time I felt too old (42), and that the age difference would be too much, and we were happy as a family of three. In fact when I first went back to work after mat leave (in February 2020) the first thing I said to my boss was 'Well you don't need to worry, because I am NEVER doing that again' 😂

And to reassure, I didn't notice a four month sleep regression either. Mine had just started sleeping longer (roughly 11-4, then extending as time went on), and it wasn't an issue. Sleep was disrupted again by teething but by that time I'd had a few months of better sleep and feeling more able to be out and about and living a more normal life.

Sleep deprivation is mad. You can see why it’s used as a form of torture. I was full-on hallucinating at one point. The floor was talking to me.

Don't feel guilty about asking your partner to help, I did too, and it wasn't until DC2 that I realised that:

1. I would have swopped my baby day for his 12 hour day in a heartbeat.
2. His body was intact. Mine hadn't been for 9 months plus 3 months.
3. Sleep deprivation is dangerous. (And 'sleep when the baby sleeps' was the worst advice ever for me. Apart from being very difficult to switch off, I wanted that rare and precious time to be myself for a while.)

It's really, really hard at first. It will get better.

I'm sorry it's so tough. Please go back to the GP and try an alternative antidepressant. You will probably have to ride out some side effects, but you will also likely feel better, which you absolutely deserve to!

My son is 3 and I still shudder when I remember the sleep deprivation and anxiety the first year. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And it’s why I’m not having any more!

please don’t feel guilty asking your partner to step up so you can sleep more. You need sleep. If you get worse / more ill and go to pieces, that won’t help anyone. Take steps now if you can. Someone said to me that my responsibility as a mother was to make sure I was well enough to mother.

i would say:
more sleep. I wore foam earplugs while baby was in the room with me - I still heard and woke up for the tiniest cry, but it muffled the snuffling out enough to help me sleep more!

sertraline is probably worth a try. It helped me

Sending you hugs. Postpartum is hard. it’s such a shock to adjust to being a mum

PS 12 weeks is still really early days ! It will get better, I promise

I went back to work pt at four and five months each time. This bit is shit. I outsourced it.
Over twenty years on, all bonded just fine and never a single regret.