How to change how I feel

[WindySkiesAtNight]

I just don't think I can bear how I feel anymore.

I've tried everything. I don't even know where to start but need to try and write this down.

I'm not feeling very good at how I'm doing externally in life. I'm mid 40s, single, no children, slightly above average salary, a bit more debt than I would like, a bit less pension than I would like, a couple of stone overweight, a serious health issue that is fine but requires management.

So nothing is terrible, but it could be better, but I can't think what would really motivate me to do anything about improving it. But I know I would feel better if I made a plan, lost some weight etc.

I also just can't visualise or grasp what I actually want for the future. I've done lots - living in different places, jobs, travel - and everything feels a bit boring, I don't feel excited about anything.

This state actually feels worse than stress or depression (I've had both). I'm just largely indifferent and slightly irritated by the thought of doing things.

I feel like a teenager again but with a crippling self awareness that only I can do something.

The only thing I can think of doing is ditching spending time on social media, then gradually start rebuilding life how I want.

I can't really participate in local sports clubs as I'm not fit enough - have tried netball, badminton, they are quite competitive and I've been told to try harder or go away and practise more. Did try cycling club but was in the group with 60+ men. I will keep trying to get fitter though. I managed the local park run a couple of years ago, but it took three months of training to be able to do it. I also did one of those group gym workout programmes, that was good but its not cheap, like £250 for 6 weeks.

I just need to sit down and work out what I want my social life to look like and make it work for me and budget for it.

I'm not sure about volunteering, I work in public sector and I can't really be arsed to contribute more!

I don't live near colleagues, mostly they live in the city and I moved out because of housing cost, I mean its great as we do lunches and afterwork drinks sometimes, but none of this really helps with the weekends when everyone is doing things with families.

I have a handful of good friends- they are in different places so I kind of rotate around catching up with them, we do nights outs and walks. Lots of voice notes.

Very small family, sibling has a disability, no nieces/nephews, one parent lives opposite end of country, the other parent has a part time evening job. Not allowed pets due to where I live.

It's not terrible but sometimes feel like I'm waiting to get old. But the answer is probably in making a few small changes. Thank you for listening x

I think when you don’t have children, you can have so many choices that it can be a bit paralysing. being a parent does set you on a specific timetable. And yes, the weekend are crammed with family / kids 🙄 for years. I do have kids, but we live far from family and I really feel it when everyone around me is having multi generation meet ups, or visiting their siblings or celebrating family events every weekend.

what about a partner? Do you want to meet someone, share your life with them?

my sister doesn’t have kids, does have a partner and they have just thrown their whole lives in the air, bought a wreck with a huge garden and moved to the country! Their time is now full of DIY, decorating and a huge amount of gardening - I know for my sister these things give meaning to her life, something beyond the daily grind.