Im deeply unhappy about my circumstances, I realistically had no idea just how little support I would actually have as a parent. I have been at my knees since they were born, with issue after issue and it has been nothing short, of a terrible experience all around.
I have never had a break from my kids, not even once. I seek out support in some way, literally desperate from my mum, who has no interest in helping, but actually becomes angry at me and just continues to belittle me, as she always has done.
Money issues have been pretty awful on top of that, and I have lost every single friendship at this point, as I dont have the capacity to have friendships.
I cannot cope with my children alone, I cannot drive, I have no money, I am in debt, my partner works long hours and falls asleep with the kids, and im left to do everything once again for the 10th time that day, weekends he is moody as he is not used to the hell that is looking after our children, I can barely sustain my own job due to issues with childcare/sickness.
i feel completely disconnected from myself, from my children and just exsisting until they are more self sufficient. I will never have a family holiday, I will never own anything, I will probably always despise my partner, I will never have friends who have meet ups and kids that play together in the garden during BBQs.
I cant come to terms with quite how polar opposite my life with children is to everyone else I know with kids, and a good family to enjoy them with, I just cant offer them a decent childhood
I feel like ending my life, my partner will meet someone new who probably has this and my kids will thrive, I dont have the personal qualities to be a mother to my autistic child and he deserves more than me, and the absolute nothingness that I have to offer him and his brother.