Awful anxiety don't want to get up

[Tworedbicycles]

I've been suffering with depression and anxiety for some time now. My Sertraline was increased a week and a half ago. The last few days the anxiety has really ramped up again. I just feel like I don't want to carry on, I haven't got the guts to do anything to myself but the feeling is so awful. I'm really losing hope that I'm ever going to feel better. Talking therapy hasn't helped at all, I find it hard to put into words how I really feel. Because I'm so anxious I can't eat and feel dizzy and peculiar. Sometimes I feel like just bashing my head against the wall. I just want everything to stop. I haven't got anyone to talk to, I don't have a partner or friends. I don't know why I'm posting really, just to get it out I suppose

Thank you @Unsureurchin I'm not sure how I'm going to get through the day really but will sleep if I can't do anything else.

You have written down how you feel here - could you do the same for your next appointment? Then you won’t get muddled or underplay how you are feeling.

Are you safe at the moment? If not then go to A&E or call your crisis team.

I'm safe as in I'm not going to do anything to myself, haven't got the guts even though I feel like it. In some ways it makes it worse knowing I'm not going to do it because then I just have to suffer with the feeling of it. It's horrendous right now.
Yes I should probably write everything I've written here and more, if they will read it.

@Tworedbicycles feel free to keep chatting to us here too. I am always happy to talk it through because I know it can help

Hi there
I know what it is to be triggered and have really awful feelings.
I agree that finding a good private therapist would be useful. It has been life- changing and possibly even life-saving for me.
I think it is useful that you have identified the feelings as coming from childhood. You must have felt so terrible when you were little. I'm so sorry that you had to deal with such difficult things when you were so young. I don't think it is surprising that you feel that awful sense of impending doom. Maybe it is what you didn't feel supported enough to feel when you were 6.

In my experience, triggered feelings are from when I wasn't given the support to process them at the time so they kind of hang around in a "live" state waiting for the chance to be triggered and bite me!

One thing I have found helpful is to talk to myself very gently and kindly. I acknowledge how awful the feelings are. I don't try and get rid of them but just say to myself "these feelings are from when I was little. They are real in this moment but they aren't actually about anything that is happening now. I am safe now" It helps a bit to create a bit of space within myself that is outside the feelings and over time this makes things a bit easier.

I've had therapeutic support to do this though and I think it can be very hard/sometimes impossible to do on your own.

I don't think the therapists I've known would think the tooth thing is weird. There will be a reason for it.

In the spirit of admitting unusual things, I sometimes cuddle a doll that represents my child self. I soothe her and remind her that we are safe now. My therapist thought it was a good idea when I told her!!

Aw thank you for your lovely post @EducatingArti Those things you say to yourself sound really helpful and I'm so glad you have found a therapist who had helped you so much. I'm going to choose very very carefully, I need someone who will understand and help me with this as it's come up several times for me and is beyond awful. I had no support when my mum died, she wasn't spoken of again and I didn't understand where she'd gone. I used to pray every night she'd 'come alive' again. I don't think I've ever processed it to be honest. ( I'm not religious now, realised I've mentioned praying a couple of times!) It triggers the most desperate feelings in me. I'm crying now. Oh god this is so hard.

Hugging a doll or teddy seems a really good idea to me. I'm hugging a hot water bottle at the moment, it's comfort

This is actually so helpful to me you lovely people, I can't usually cry but I need to. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support xx

I think for some strange reason I blame myself for her death too but I don't know why. Maybe I'd been naughty or something

I think there's a lot to unpack. Hope you don't mind me keep posting, it helps

I'm going to copy down those words you say to yourself @EducatingArti these are things that are so helpful ❤️

I'm going to have a little sleep, I feel exhausted. I will come back on later. Thank you again everyone xx

It's very common to think that way when you go through a traumatic experience as a child. When we are little we can only think about how things relate to us, because we don't have the mental capacity to think in any other way - children are very ego centric, because their survival depends on learning from how experiences and events (good or bad) impact them.

You being naughty (or good) had no impact on your mum's death. Please believe that. Is there anyone who knew your mum, and was an adult at that time, you can talk to about what happened back when you were six?

@Tworedbicycles
Please do keep on posting here 💐 as much as you like!

@Tworedbicycles I am so glad that what I said was helpful. If you had no support when your mum died I'm not at all surprised that these awful impending doom feelings can get triggered.

As small children, we have a "life or death" kind of bond with our parents or other primary carers. It is a deep, instinctive, almost evolutionary bond that stems from the fact that without them we would not be able to take care of ourselves and would die.

Of course you would have other caregivers when your mum died but that deep instinctive feeling of "this is life or death for me" may well still have been there as well as the more obvious sense of grief and loss. Without help to process this I am really not at all surprised that you feel as you do.

When I needed to find a new therapist because my old one was retiring, she advised me to look on the UKCP website as this has the most rigorous requirements for membership. She said many people on the BACP website are also very good but the quality can be a bit more mixed.

Thank you I will look for a therapist on UKCP, that's really helpful to know.
I've woken up feeling terrible again and can't get up. God I just want these awful feelings to go away. I wish I could just sleep and not wake up. I feel in such pain I can't bear it

The only time I've been getting up is to go to the toilet and to feed my two cats. I wish I didn't even have to do that I feel so bad. I know I need to do something, eat something, wash and comb my hair but I'm really struggling to do anything. I wish someone would just wrap me up and take care of me but there isn't anyone. I just keep crying

I'm just posting all my feelings and I hope that's ok, I dont expect anyone to have any solutions but it's better out than in and I have no one to talk to. There isn't anyone left that I can ask about my mum, my dad is dead and he wouldn't have talked about it anyway. I do t think the person who helped at the time is around either. I think I'm beginning to realise that however it felt to me at the time probably wasn't how it was e.g it wasn't my fault she died even though I feel sure it was. I didn't even understand what dead meant and thought I could visit her when I was older. She was just gone

But if anyone can encourage me to get myself out of bed and washed etc I'd really appreciate it because I'm stuck

https://toolkit.lifeline.org.au/articles/techniques/journaling-your-thoughts-and-feelings

This may seem silly and pointless, but please try to write your feelings down. Buy a journal with a lock and hide it - Amazon could have one with you tomorrow.

You can be raw, messy, honest, it may be somewhat incoherent and not making any sense, but it’s yours. There’s something quite confronting about doing it, and it does feel silly. But it helps to unpick things in your brain. It is like therapy, but private and intimate.

Ive attached a picture down below which may help you reflect on things a little and help get them down?

Take care of yourself ❤️

I've been reading bits of your AMA @Eyesopenwideawake when I can and it's fascinating and good to see how people have been helped. It'll take me a while to read it all there's quite a few pages

Reasons:
❤️ - even if you do nothing else today, you’ve got up and got ready.
❤️ - once you are up and clean, you will feel better that you did. Remember how you feel when you got ready today, and use that to remind you tomorrow.
❤️ - It doenst take long

On that note, I’m holding you accountable, and giving you until 11.15am to get ready (I’m in UK so that will be 50 minutes!
check in when done - Tick Tock!

Thank you @bored1234 that is a really good idea! I do feel stupid writing things down but as you say it can be totally private and I can get out the mess that's in my head and hopefully in time make some sense of it and get some relief. Will order a nice thick journal today ❤️

Lol @bored1234 that made me smile 😺 thank you. I'm on the clock then, I'm going to make a quick coffee and then wash and put some clothes on instead of these grotty pjs. You're right I will probably feel better but even if I don't I won't be so scuzzy. Thank you x

Right, I'm washed and dressed in comfy clothes. Got an upset stomach so don't feel good but I've done it!