grieving, feeling low, trying to support lots but feeling drained......need a little something for me please.....

[Psychomum5]

sorry....shouldn;t be here I don;t think as I am not depressed as such, but I just need to let it out, and not wanting it in chat and people giving 'light' answers IYGWIM.

I am drained and low tonight.......am feeling quite rung out and not sure on my reserves.

I cannot go to DH....he is deeply grieving for his grandma, as are all the children and me, but I feel as tho I don;t have the right to feel this bad.

couple of insensitiv comments have come in.....one from my aunt, one from someone I thought a friend, now feeling utterly crap about ((Flame, if you are reading.....tis P.....text crapness))

anyhoo.....am needding to pull me out of this slump and need something for me, so this really feels quite self indulgent.....but.....I want to continue supporting and I know that to do that, I need something for me.

help

go to bed Psycho... he needs you - you need him... go, cuddle, cry together and fall asleep - rest together...

sorry....not meant that last comment in the context it sounds....we will end up havinf sex and altho that is lovely, I end up being awake for hours (does it affect anyone else like that??), it is not right for tonight...........if only because that is where we went last night and then he felt bad that we could still have that comfort and joy when we were supposed to be sad....I guess that for us both, taking joy feels wrong.....twisted maybe, but also, makes us feel so guilty

he needs sleep tho, and told ne to stay here!!!

oh dear, this is all so new to me

christ....howbloody wrong am I....turning down natural comfort for MN...

am I all wrong

of course it's new to you - you don't get a trial run at grief

I really don't know what to say so I'll just >>>

no, you aren't all wrong - you've just said you both feel guilty afterwards... even though I don't think you should be guilty.

lewis.....thankyou.....it feels new, and feels different and yet..............

there are many here on a different painful path, but on a path I have been on, I am now on a fork off (IYGWIM)....others are on a path I have not yet seen let alone trodden, I feel humbled by them, and as tho I am not worthy somehow.

life throws things up, and then tkaes things away, and we all are so different in how we cope.....

tonight................I am not coping in the way I know I can, and I am so ashamed of myself............and then, I do feel as tho I need recognition for how I cope.............is that worng.

I guess............we all need a hug to give a hug...................

I have no idea how to be mum, I was not given a mum until I met DH at 16....his mum is my mum now....so.....all this makes things show up in a way that confuses me.

and to be a mum and a wife and a freind and a 'me'.......sometimes takes more work than Ican work out

That makes sense.

You are spreading yourself SO thin right now - YKWIM and you just need time to recouperate. You can't give from an empty vessel - you aren't the pot of oil that kept reproducing to make bread, unfortunately

Firstly, stop the guilt of being a bit off kilter - FFS you've just lost your gran (I know she's not yours by blood)... it's hardly suprising you're confused! (sorry for swearing)

There is no shame in needing help - Flame will tell you about our MSN convo if you ask her; you'll see everyone needs time sometimes... just time.

Please take care of yourself; others will be ok if you need a day off.

lewis...thankyou so very much...I need to give still...and I Understand where I cannot, or others cannot!!!

flame is fab, we have spoken already

hugs are waht I need, that and just someone here telling me 'well done, job well done, you are wonderful' etc....

I sound so in need and so conceited

oh stop it! you aren't conceited!!

I know that you understand where others cannot - just as I can about other issues but still, I needed a break; you need a break (imo)

Being needed is a good feeling, isn't it? but what about you - what do you need? you need time to grieve too - you can be strong for your family and grieve.

Where do you recharge your batteries from? When do you get "down time" to well, recharge? Is it through prayer, meditation...?

I'm getting a bit worried about you actually - I think you are in a slight denial perhaps about how hurt you are atm...? I may be totally wrong - sorry if I am.

SO sorry - realised I've just spoken totall out of line.. am so, so sorry

oh...I don;t know....I feel as tho I get to recharge, and then wonder if I have or just pretended.

I am still not over my car accidents (note..I am stil not over either of them!)

I will never be over not having my own mother

my aunt fills me with rage (and she is who bought me up from 18mths, so as near to a mother as poss)

my stepfather.........................need I say more

my family....disowned me on positvie test of DS2, as it meant that I hed too much sex, and god, sex is a bad bad bad thing (according to the gospel of them)

my father...............ran out on me three times before I rejected him...he never fought fo me tho...that hurts

yey gods......I am turning this into somthing more than it should.....

my aunt............can I stab someone, or pretend to.....

and as for a 'freind'.....she needs to feels half of what I feel....ahe would then stop making shitty comments about how bad a friend that I am ((she told my son that he was a fucking stupin idiot and a complete prick.....my son is 7, she thinks that he needed to hear that as I am a crap mum and let them get away with murder and so she took it upon herself to 'parent' him...she will not sey sorry....I have not told anyone excetp flame as I thought maybe she had a point, and now I know otherwise but DS1 is so very angry with the world and I cannot help him and now this with grandma........

life is fuvking shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lewis...you opened a well of rage...sorry...I do feel calmer tho!!!

oh dear god!! I never realised you had all that shit too

Good grief woman, you are NOT crap - you know that.. you SO know that; just believe it.

You aren't turning it into something bigger, it's just all culminated and come out at once - the straw that broke the camel's back etc.

Where in the country are you? You don't have to say... just being nosey

I really don't know what to say, Psycho I am just so sorry on your behalf

sounds like it was needing to come out - remember what you said about the nasty boil on the nose

I ahve seen you give support on here and you have been amazing. But you need to look after you and your family first and foremost.
That is not to say to the exclusion of all others but sometinmes you can give and give and give and actually nothing changes because sometimes people just want to take.
You need to protect yourself a little.

I am in bournemouth, and I do have good friends, and I also know that most of the time I am good, and good mum, a good wife, and good anything really.

it just hurst on times like this.

and then...the hurt actually personifies itself and then..................oh crap......................i rant.

I have a story......not for here, and one I have told...I am not ashamed....it made me who I am and TBH...I would not change who I am as I quite like me, but christ almighty, grief, well.....tis something new entirly!!!

Go to the video shop tomorrow and rent untamed heart. Go hide in the bedroom and watch.

It may not have the same effect on you, but for some reason I watch that and it opens something and I cry until I am exhausted.

I know I am not being very much use atm, a mix of shields and other stuff I think.

flame...I am not needing anything from you in 'use'...ypou are the best friend I could ask for...I just need you t understand P for me. and feel angry for me on my behalf IYGWIM!!!!!

I know how much you love me.....tis less than I love you, so all things are equal

Delete her number.

I have known you both for going on 7 years now, and I can only think of about 5 occasions when I have seen the value in the friendship. Tis like toxic parents.

Psychoboy1 - He is 7. He is the eldest boy after 3 very girly girls. He is possibly dyslexic. He's gonna be angry - tis sod all to do with parenting.

only 5...really...god, that is sad...which five tho...intrigued

and thankyou for not telling me I am shit

(I am rargh with her too... but at the same time sober and practical )

Most were just seeing friendship rather than battle - the night I ate all the apples, the day/night we did nipple comparison (that may have been the same night ), the day she took you to the doctor, sitting eating lunch in Tesco before she moved.... erm.... I am thinking of another couple of girly night memories too but I think they may have all been the nipple night!!!

The rest of the time have been you & her against A, or you miserable about her & A, or A not involved at all but issues with clashing child rearing ideas etc. Lots of tension.

Maybe I cause the tension and you were fine before I got involved

pftttt....ypu and me got involved before A came invoved!!!!

A got involved actually as P moved away, and you were there when P moved away, altho only just!!!!

and yes......tis like a playground......and I hate it

you are here to make me see how damaging they are/were.

higher power/god/mother earth/whoever////they sent you to me!!!

See, I'm a gift sent from god. Obvious really innit?

So... delete the number.