Living with mentally ill spouse

[YouSayTomatoISayTomato]

Hi, have name changed for this. My husband (together 20 years) has suffered with poor mental health for at least the last 15. He's tried medication and therapy, he didn't like either. He self medicates with alcohol and zones out by gaming excessively. Noone else sees him like this - to everyone else he's great, fun, amazing etc. Which he can be, but usually isn't.
It's fucking hard. It's reached the point now where I carry the full mental load. Fulltime work of my own, child duties, school and life admin, house etc. I have to ask him to do something and he'll happily do it. But I still have to manage it. Because he can't cope with life. My demands on him are too much and he's told me tonight he might move out. I really don't think it's the answer as hell spiral into more solitude. He's already cut off his friends and family. Doesn't go out unless it's with me or to go to work. Have up his one hobby outside the house. I suspect he's undiagnosed ASD (I work with SEN adults) if that's relevant but he won't entertain it. I feel like I give my life to making sure his life is easier but now it's at the detriment of my own wellbeing. This week I've felt so exhausted and low and I never know what mood he'll be in, I'm constantly waiting for the next big explosion. Luckily my child is shielded from most of it but they are getting older now and know to leave dad alone if he's in one of his moods. We're basically just existing with each other, there's the odd time where we're good but more often than not, we're not. It's the mundane day to day stuff that grinds you down. I don't really know why I'm posting or what I'm asking. Please don't say LTB as he's not a bastard and that wouldn't help the situation. I just don't know what else I can do and I feel like I'm losing myself in the process.
Sorry that was very long!

My em husband suffered from poor mental health and alcoholism. I made my vows faithfully believing in sickness and in health but in the end he was a different person from the one I married and I could only see a very bleak future. I have no regrets - I believe it was a lucky escape for me and my daughter. I'd question what message your child is learning about the dynamics of relationships where you are doing everything and getting nothing in return.

That sounds so hard OP. I don't have any experience of a DH that way but two of my very close siblings struggle with MH and I am their support and even that is so hard and draining.

I know you don't want to separate but if he has suggested it, would it be the worst thing for you? It sounds an awful existence and perhaps not the best example for your DC.

As I imagine you already know deep down, you can't fix him. He has to want to get better himself and even then it may not be possible (speaking from personal experience albeit as the one who wanted to get better but found drugs/therapy made zero difference whatsoever).

Are there any positives to your relationship? Has he made you smile at all in 2025?

He's letting you off the hook by offering to move out. Let him go, maybe he'll be okay, and you'll get your life back.

Thanks for the replies. In answer to the question, yes, we have times where he makes me smile and we have a "normal" relationship. But it's few and far between. Most of the time we co-exist. If I remove all demands on him, ie I sort everything and leave him to it, he'll just game with minimal communication. Gosh writing it down, it seems such a crap existence! Hut he'd be much worse on his own and like a PP said, I took my marriage vows seriously.
I really don't know what to do for the best.

I would let him move out under the agreement that it's a temporary trial for now to see how both of you and your child deal with it. I wouldn't tell the child you're separating/breaking up/divorcing any of that, depending on the child's age & level of understanding id tell them it's for work or for health reasons something along those lines. Lay out a plan between you both before he leaves of how long you want this to last before regrouping and discussing and a very detailed plan about expectations of him spending time with the child too. It may just be a break is all you both need to have a fresher perspective of what's going on.

My late dh had schizoaffective disorder for his adult life which slowly deteriorated over the years we were together. He didn't drink and couldn't have gamed, I think it would have made his symptoms even worse and when he was really unwell he couldnt even listen to music or watch anything on a screen. He eventually had a more severe episode and very sadly took his own life.

It's not just that your h found therapy and meds unhelpful, his self medication will be making things actively worse, though I don't blame him for wanting to do something - anything - that he enjoys.

I respect your wish not to give up on your marriage. Why did he talk about moving out? Is he aware on some level that he's a terrible partner and a really bad influence on his children, plus going against every piece of evidence on what improves mental health? When my dh was a little better, he would walk or cycle outside literally for hours, because exercise is so effective. He barely drank at all. Even when he couldn't work and struggled with any activity, he made meals, did laundry, cleaning, thought in depth about ds and his education, cared for him after school. He budgeted and cooked healthy food. He had a creative practice in art which genuinely helped him sometimes and went to an art group that his community psychiatric nurse found for him. We now have lots of his artwork which is such a comfort and also so joyful and colourful - it reminds me that his illness was only a small part of the man he was.

Not everyone can do this stuff. But dh tried every day to recover, he wanted a better life and wanted to be a good partner and father. He WAS a good partner and father when he was well.

I'm not going to tell you to leave him. But I will say, think about the environment for your children. Think about what respect HE is showing for his marriage vows. Living apart might be better for the kids. If you look into history, many very happy marriages involved barely seeing each other... though I agree with you that he would almost certainly deteriorate without the hours of labour and love that he is getting from you.

Incidentally I got good support from SANE which is more aware of carers' needs than other MH groups. You might also find Al-Anon useful? Also perhaps register as a carer with your GP (your GP should know about what you're enduring too and that your kids are children of an alcoholic).

Sometimes you have to put your own oxygen mask on first. What you describe is a miserable existence, and it’s a result of a situation that HE can change: he can seek better support, he can try different therapies/therapists, he has some choices in how to manage his issues. You don’t have the at power. There comes a stage when you are, for the best reasons no doubt, enabling rather than supporting.
One option is you seek support for you, like therapy, or just a couple of hours a week space for yourself. Something has to change, doesn’t it: at the moment what is the incentive for him to make that change? I hope you become ready for change soon, OP, because where you are sounds difficult to me.

Moving out seems a good idea for him, he'll need to do things for himself.
Stop martyring yourself and looking for excuses for him (always the possible ASD trotted out) let him go and give yourself and your child a happier life, not tiptoeing around a drunk.

@PermanentTemporary thank you so much for your insight and I'm sorry for your loss.
In answer to your question, I think my DH is aware that he's failing as a partner and a parent but he feels so frustrated with himself for being this way. I also think he knows that moving out isn't the answer. I need to encourage him to get help again and that if it isn't right for him, to try something else. He's trying to manage it himself and it isn't working.

Everyone who's commented has made very helpful points and I'm grateful for that. I fully appreciate that I'm enabling his behaviour. At this point I'm trying to get through each day as best I can but it's clear I need to do some serious thinking - we both do. DD and I are going to be house sitting for relatives in a couple of weeks' time which will give us some space and he'll have chance to live on his own. He'll love it.

Part of the issue which I didn't mention (sorry, not a drip feed) is that he really struggles with full time parenting. He was a part time dad to his older child from a previous relationship and this suited him. Time to himself and regular time with his child with minimal parenting demands. I see now that I did more parenting then than he did, trying to build a relationship with my stepchild (which worked as were very close now). But when I fell unexpectedly pregnant with our DD, he changed. He absolutely loves her, there's no doubt about that, but he struggles with a day to day stuff. He misses the freedom and time to ourselves that we used to have. I honestly think this was the turning point for him as prior to having DD, these issues were not, well, and issue. I haven't had this conversation with him btw.

I'm taking DD out for the afternoon now and will read through other replies later. Thanks again to all who have responded

Reading your update suggest that you're using his MH to excuse his lack of parenting and his general disinterest in his children.
Saying he loves her to bits is all well and good but she needs an involved dad, not a drunk lazy dad

As well as therapy for him, would you consider couples therapy? It’s not about setting ultimatums but to be clear about how you can’t stay in the marriage unless there is some commitment to change / improve things. Vows are to be taken seriously but you can’t be expected to live a miserable life if he won’t attempt to improve things.

It's perhaps a flaw in me but I have very little patience for parents who 'struggle' with full time parenting by just checking out. We all have trouble with it at times and aren't the people we would want to be, but we keep on trying. He knows you will pick up the slack - you already did so for his elder daughter - so he gets to 'struggle' while you get to carry the weight.

I agree re couples counselling.

He might struggle with children because he wants and needs all of your attention all the time. There are some good threads here for ASD spouses/partners. It might be worth a read.

A relationship needs 2 people giving all their effort.

Not 1 person giving 200%.

It takes two and as much as you are trying, you can’t make the relationship work all by yourself.

I’d leave him off and believe me I know how hard it is.

He may not be worse on his own. At the moment he doesn’t have to be responsible for anything as he has you running around after him and caring for him. On his own he would have to step up. or he can choose to continue as he is without affecting you and his child. Either way he’ll be responsible for either sorting himself out or not. Which will be good for him.

Blunt moment - but you enable him to check out and be so passive and it damages you and your child.

I have been in a similar situation myself. Getting therapy and developing an understanding of co-dependency and enabling someone helped me a lot.

He may be able to change within the marriage - but it will need you to stop picking up his responsibilities and communicate clearly that you need an adult child. He needs to understand that his behaviour is damaging then decide what to do about it.

It sounds like he struggles with responsibility and not putting himself first. Parenting is about responsibilities. Think about what is best for your daughter if you feel you are being unfair on him, it may not be having a household revolve around his needs.

Wow he's playing you like a fiddle OP!

He's sensed that you're fed up carrying all the load. So he's threatened to move out. Of course he knows you don't want that, and you're now trying to find solutions which spoiler alert will involve you running yourself even more ragged so that life is even easier for the poor petal.

I know it's not easy to call time on a marriage, but it really grinds my gears when posters describe a miserable existence for their children and then say 'there's no way I'm leaving him'. The kids don't get a choice (until they're old enough to move out, and they will the second that they can). Yes it takes time to plan and 'get all your ducks in a row' but that's what you should be doing.

I was in a relationship for 2 years with a wonderful man who did not disclose his mental health isdues to me. When he was well it was wonderful, however the lows were exhausting for me too. I found I was very close to having a breakdown. Put your life jacket on before helping others

I would let him leave. In fact, I would ask him to leave.

Undiagnosed mental health? So he games and drinks all the time to cope? Doesn't like parenting (which can be hard work)?

Sorry to be cynical but I think you might find you regain great joy in your life when he leaves.

You matter too. So does your dd. A great deal. Stop martyring yourself on the altar of his supposed mental health issues.

Free yourselves.

Time for some tough love here op.

Come on now... autistic? Really? Why is every man who is a man baby autistic these days.

He probably isn't autistic... he probably isn't depressed. He is a man baby who can change his mood when around others but makes you and child miserable.

He chooses to drink and play video games as that makes him happy. He chooses yo do no chores... because who would? If you're going to do it all for him.

You wait.on him and he's awful to you.

Let that sink in...you wait on him and he is awful to you.

He's playing you for a mug and you're letting him.

You wait on him, keep his house clean and tidy, allow him all his downtime to act like a petulant teenager playing games whilst drinking cans.

What planet are you on, that you think any of this is acceptable?

Has he worn down your self esteem so much?

Have a dose of reality check. He is a man baby.

You enable this rubbish behaviour of you.

Sorry but sometimes need that tough love, cuz pussyfooting around this isn't going to help you moving forwards.

Get mad! Get angry! You are worth so much more than this for the rest of your days.

Luckily my child is shielded from most of it but they are getting older now and know to leave dad alone if he's in one of his moods.

You're in denial. This will be having a major and negative effect on your child.

What exactly is "one if his moods" op? Does he throw strops whilst your cleaning and tidying his mess up for him?

Are the moods when drinking or all the time?

@Theuniversalshere1 ..said exactly what I was thinking.
Why are you saying he has a mental illness ?
It just sounds like he is lazy and clever enough to make you run round enabling his rather easy nice life.
Tough love needed ...he claims he's unwell...ok..get to the doctors, get properly assessed, engage in any treatment they suggest.
As nicely as I can manage, you are a fool OP.

I'm sorry mental health and alcohol are 2 very different things. Cmon everyone knows alcohol is not a medication in any way other than feeds bad mental health so you would not get me staying around if this was my hubby around the kids

I would really worry that your dd is learning it's her job to manage her dad's mental health. It's not good that she has learnt to identify when he is in a 'mood' and to try and avoid him. She should be able to feel safe in her own home. I know you say you took your marriage vows seriously but your duty to your dd is more important.