Living with mentally ill spouse

[YouSayTomatoISayTomato]

Hi, have name changed for this. My husband (together 20 years) has suffered with poor mental health for at least the last 15. He's tried medication and therapy, he didn't like either. He self medicates with alcohol and zones out by gaming excessively. Noone else sees him like this - to everyone else he's great, fun, amazing etc. Which he can be, but usually isn't.
It's fucking hard. It's reached the point now where I carry the full mental load. Fulltime work of my own, child duties, school and life admin, house etc. I have to ask him to do something and he'll happily do it. But I still have to manage it. Because he can't cope with life. My demands on him are too much and he's told me tonight he might move out. I really don't think it's the answer as hell spiral into more solitude. He's already cut off his friends and family. Doesn't go out unless it's with me or to go to work. Have up his one hobby outside the house. I suspect he's undiagnosed ASD (I work with SEN adults) if that's relevant but he won't entertain it. I feel like I give my life to making sure his life is easier but now it's at the detriment of my own wellbeing. This week I've felt so exhausted and low and I never know what mood he'll be in, I'm constantly waiting for the next big explosion. Luckily my child is shielded from most of it but they are getting older now and know to leave dad alone if he's in one of his moods. We're basically just existing with each other, there's the odd time where we're good but more often than not, we're not. It's the mundane day to day stuff that grinds you down. I don't really know why I'm posting or what I'm asking. Please don't say LTB as he's not a bastard and that wouldn't help the situation. I just don't know what else I can do and I feel like I'm losing myself in the process.
Sorry that was very long!

And it's nearly always men, funnily enough, and they expect a woman to pick up the slack 🤔

Said woman has no time for checking out, drinking, gaming, mental illness, because she's busy adulting.

It's been 15 years, he's never going to change. You know this.

It sounds like you're so deeply in love with this man. You've dedicated your entire existence to him and your life revolves around him, his needs, his wants, his preferences. Everyone in the household must dance to his tune.

This really isn't healthy. What about your child? You're so focused on your man that you're sacrificing your child's right to a happy and peaceful home. Your child lives under the expectation that they must tiptoe around when the man is in a bad mood. I can't say "dad" because he isn't much of a father.

You dismiss the effect it's having because it's hidden. Some of the damage has already been done. Focus on what you can do now so that it doesn't get worse.

Can your child live with grandparents or other family and you could see them at weekends? You've said you're not leaving him so that's the only solution. Your child matters, they are important. The child should be the centre of your world, not a man. The man should be a partner, your team mate, a father, working together to raise the next generation.

I think before you make any decisions, you should look at having therapy yourself. You've lost yourself. You work, you care for your man, you look after the house. Where are you in all of this? You are also deserving of love and being cared for, you know. I suspect all of this comes from low self esteem and strong beliefs about marriage and sacrificing everything to stay in a marriage at all costs. It's messed up, OP. There's a better life out there for all of you, including your husband.

Ideally, you'd divorce amicably. Husband would get a flat in a supported living place or have some kind of package of care with support workers checking in on him. He'd see his children at weekends and do the "fun dad" stuff. You'd have the relief of only looking after yourself and the children. You could focus on yourself at weekends, or I imagine part of the weekend because he wouldn't be able to manage a full weekend. Either way, you'd have some time to yourself to pursue hobbies, go out with friends, chill out.

@YouSayTomatoISayTomato

I took my marriage vows seriously.
I really don't know what to do for the best

you're the only one!!
Why are you allowing your DC to live like this? held to ransom by a lazy useless man and his moods?
You don't know what to do? you've had plenty replies!
As per; the man is more important than your children.

You have spoken to him about how his lack of help is affecting you and his answer is that he would rather leave than step up.
I know you are taking your vows seriously, but he is taking advantage, you will end up exhausted.

If you like reading, read ‘women who love too much’ it’s brilliant and you will love it.

Also Glennon Doyle’s book untamed is excellent.

Also you say everyone else thinks ‘he is great fun, amazing’ I very much doubt that.

You would be surprised what people really see and also I notice that you said he has cut off his family, I bet they know exactly what you are dealing with. You have him up on a pedestal.

He is not great or amazing. Get some support for yourself x