Can anyone offer me small human kindness

[LovingHelper]

I am currently on a hospital ward following a failed suicide attempt a few days ago.
I am sectioned, waiting for a mental health bed to be available.
Only my eldest daughter has visited and bought me essentials. Friend 1 berated down the phone to me how bad I was as a person. Friend 2 is currently busy with a divorce so understanbly not available to me.
I am a single mother with no contact with mum and only a self absorbed brother.
I don't know if it's the antipsychotics but I feel so numb, I have no feelings for my children or anything else.
I feel shame and embarrassment for failing and want to try again.
I am on a busy ward, constantly under observation. I just need someone to talk to. Thank you

You’re not on your own. My baby was still born this year. Today I felt suicidal. I know it won’t be like this forever. I know this for me and I know this for you. Sending out love to you. Re your friends anger - underneath the anger is love. You’re only angry with people you love. Take it a day at a time. Suicide is wanting the pain to stop. We just have to find another way to deal with the pain. I don’t know if any of this helps but you’re not on your own. Wishing brighter days ahead for us both.

It’s really hard to know what to say that you don’t already know or aren’t in a place to be able to hear right now, but I wanted you to know that I can hear your pain and even though I don’t know you, I am really sorry and I genuinely hope things get easier for you. It sounds like you have been in a similar place before and been able to recover, I am sure though that took a huge amount of work and strength and at the moment that might feel beyond you. I just wanted to say, try to allow yourself permission to feel or not feel whatever you are feeling or not feeling. You are unwell and no one including you should judge you for your actions. If they do, it may be coming from their own hurt and confusion, but it isn’t helpful to you and it’s best to try and let it wash over you without any soaking in. I do get as well how hard it is to trust people, it may help to explain your concerns and see how they react. If they react with compassion and understanding, they can maybe start to build trust with you. Also Samaritans are always there at the end of the phone, it can be a matter of luck as to whether you click with an individual volunteer or not, but you can always end the call and phone again, there are usually about 100 people on duty at any given time so you’re unlikely to get the same person again, and it’s completely anonymous so you might not have the same issues around trust. I’m not going to make you any big promises about how things will be, but if it has helped to reach out here and see that people do care and don’t judge, keep talking to us, OP.

I am so sorry op to hear this. 💐💐💐

Sending you love and prayers. You matter a whole lot and it's normal to feel numb at this time your brain needs to repair and recover just as it would if you broke a leg or an arm.
My sister tried to commit suicide several times and was hospitalized after a long while she saw the word hope and kept going with treatment and medication that was 10 years ago.
Be kind to yourself x

I'm so sorry you're in this pain. Please try to be as honest as you can be with the people treating you. I hope you climb out of this dip very soon x

Sending much love to you at this difficult time. Please be strong and think of your family who you very much ❤️

Sending you a virtual handhold and sitting with you.

You're reaching out and that's exactly the thing to do. What makes you smile OP? Stupid cat videos? Chocolate?

Keep going ❤️

For you ❤️ x

I just wanted to say that you wete important enough to be put into this world and you're important enough to stay in it. Hold on.

Sending you strength and hope ❤️

Hold tight @LovingHelper I'm so sorry for your pain and your suffering.

Things can get better, you can get better. Holding a hand out to you. I hope you can get some sleep ❤

Thank you once again for all your kind and supportive words. It is making me feel less alone in the world.

You are important and I'm so glad you're still here. I hope you get some rest tonight 💜

I have been where you are. So has my best friend. We've both been on both sides of this (me & my best friend).
One of my friends & family members berated me and was really angry and I genuinely didn't understand why. It just made me feel even more useless.

I then realised why when my friend made a serious attempt and almost succeeded. The fear & anger was overwhelming, because I was scared of losing her, it's like a kind of grief, and guilt, the guilt was just as overwhelming. It was fear of losing her and the very natural reaction to when anyone you love is ill/injured - which is I should have done something - even if you know logically you couldn't, and weren't expected to. I also withdrew from her a little, to get myself on an even keel after the shock of it happening - understable but hard to be on the other side of, as family members did it to me.

I know how hard it is to be on the other side though, and I sympathise.

You say you want to try again @LovingHelper but I'm going to say something to you that a mental health nurse (who was part of a volunteer rescue team that found me on my most serious attempt) said to me
"Do you really not want to live, or do you not want to live like this?'
I've thought about that sentence many, many times since then. And I think in my experience, that it's about the truest and most accurate thing I've ever heard or had said to me about suicidal feelings. That's the starting point.

It can and will get better, there's no magic cure or formula for it, but it will happen. I treated the voices as a manifestation of the illness and I didn't want that illness to have control, it was weak at first but it was always there. But fighting is tiring, I get that, so rest as best you can at the moment.

I'm betting there's something in the UN you've chosen - lovinghelper is a warm and comforting choice - that's you, that's that bit of you that's trying to fight, that's the person you are. That person is not the illness you have, or what's happened recently, that person is you, the one being pressed down by this illness, and they're there, there's a reason you chose that username - think about why.

Sending you all the strength, love and fight, because you matter x

Hi op, I am sorry that you are in this situation. You are ill and need some love and care. I Imagine it's really hard and lonely but you are in the best place for now. I mean 'love' in it's proper sense btw , not in a romantic way. I really hope you can see your way through this.

If you are having intrusive thoughts, I find the Calm app very helpful when I am anxious and can't sleep. It has a rainfall setting. It is very soothing. It does cost £49.99 per year though. But it's really good and you can try it for free.

https://www.calm.com/

Good luck LovingHelper.

Sending peace and strength to you.

🌷🌷 🌷🌷🌷

Hi op, first of all I want to give you a virtual hug, Noone sees suicide as an easy way out and I'm so sorry that you are low enough to have felt this way the only way, for now the only person that counts is you. I know hospital is not nice especially when you don't see many people please stay and use it to get the help you need mental health beds are hard to come by so the hospital must feel you are in need of it , use it to get yourself in a better state of mind ❤️ small victories every day at my lowest I've struggled to move out of bed eat take a shower ect. Set small goals each day use the time to just relax if you need to just switch off switch off , if you want to think about what the future means to you write it all down but above all be honest if your not you won't get the right level of help. Please don't be scared of losing your children again I was in a similar position and had to work on me before they could come home again they didn't deserve the train wreck I was. And last of all don't feel guilty if you are accessing all the help you can and the kids are safe please please stay where you are , if anyone is calling to berate you they are not understanding right now and it won't make you feel better maybe temporarily don't answer there calls until you feel stronger. If you would like to message me you are more than welcome for now I send my love and hope the world starts feeling a little brighter each day for you, take care op xxxxx

I haven't had a wash in 5 days but a kind nurse saw me getting agitated and offered a shower in a side room. So I am feeling slightly better being clean and in clean clothes.
I can't sleep as I have pent up energy so I am just pacing listening to an audio book. Hopefully that will wear me out.
Hearing all your stories and perspectives has really been an eye opener for me. Flowers and love to all those that have struggled.

Sounds like you are doing really well, OP. Being showered and in clean clothes sounds like it has made you feel better, and you’ve reached out here for some support and kindness and that’s not easy to do either. And you’ve found a strategy to try to deal with how you are feeling right now. None of that is easy given what’s going on for you. Positive steps like that are brilliant. I hope you can get some rest soon.

Thinking of you OP. Things can and will get better. Have you just started the Antipsychotics? Sending a big virtual hug, hope you get some sleep tonight xxx

Just to add, the nurses really do care. Even if at the moment it may be super crazy and busy on the ward you're in and they don't have enough time to properly talk with you. I remember a patient I had who had had multiple suicide attempts. I just wanted to talk to her, to support her but I had 7 other patients needing me too. It must be a scary place, feeling suspicious of others motives and if you can't trust the mental health team. But please remember they are there to help and its ok to struggle, they are there to help see you through this dark time <3 x

This is a new antipsychotic I have started. I have been in A and E admission ward for 5 days and was told it might be another 2 days until a mental hospital bed becomes available.
I am scared to go back to mental hospital as last time I was verbally and physically attacked by other patients. The Mental health team whisper and laugh about me and call me a fraud. I have had some bad experiences with staff. I came out more traumatised.

You are where my friend was 15 years ago. She took very tiny steps towards recovery. Some days those steps didn’t get her forwards, but also didn’t get her backwards either. Just kept going, tiny steps, slow pace: The steps got gradually bigger and now she is living well.
I am glad you’re here, you can get through this. Let the process carry you until you can take tiny steps.

Your life matters. You matter.

Don't leave now or you'll never know how your story turned out.

Sending you positive vibes and strength 💪

Keep going, small steps

💐