Hello,
I remember when I tried for the third time and nearly succeeded- I remember how cruel people were. The doctors, the social workers - cruel. It was shocking to me that people could see someone who felt they had nothing left, no hope, and in so much agony - they could see that, and heap cruelty and attack on top of this broken person who had given up completely.
I am saying this because I want you to know how deeply I hear you. And how the injustice of it is not yours to carry alone. It is completely sick.
and I want you to know I am sitting here caring for you. A complete stranger, yes, but I too have been so stripped bare of every hope, I gave up , I abandoned myself.
and I also want to give you this. I know it’s easy for people to say “hang on.” And it’s so hard! But you can do it. Hang on tight. Hang on to the breath going in and out of your body. Shut everything out but that breath- how does it feel coming in, is it cold on the edge of your nose, or your mouth? Is it warm when it goes out? Just feel it. This sounds cheesy as hell, but sometimes we need to make our world very very small- just this breath. Then the next.
ride out the waves of grief like labor pains. Hang on. Become stubborn as fuck.
fight for this. Fight to spite them, the cruel people. Fight so you can show yourself and the world one day how kindness is done. And the first person you need to be kind to, bend over backwards for, protect with everything you’ve got, that person is you.
this is where healing starts , and I want to tell you that choosing the warrior’s path, putting your own death down and turning your back, walking away from it, is the strongest thing you’ll ever do. It is magnificently, beautifully strong. And you can do it.
no one can take your healing from you. No one can take your mind or your heart. You can hide in there; hide in your thoughts. Create a gorgeous, safe imaginary room in your mind- let it be whatever you love most (mine is a garden that no one can get in, or see in-) and hide in there when you need to. A therapist taught me this. When someone is cruel to you, tell the soft parts of yourself to go to the hiding place in your mind, and give those tender parts the most wonderful, beautiful surroundings you can dream up. Then the person being cruel just gets a mask- a robot- a suit of armor. They don’t get to get through to you anymore.
then tell those parts of yourself that when it’s safe, they can come out and tell you what hurts. They can tell you, and you’ll hear them and you will respect what they have to say. You’ll hold them close, and cry it out, and make every part of yourself feel loved. Because you are now your biggest protector.
no one gets to choose what you’re worth. You never ever have to negotiate your worth with anyone else. Ever again. They don’t get a vote.
just take it slow. The tiniest steps!
I promise, one day you’ll be so grateful you rode the storms out, waited out the most horrible labor-pains of depair, because life will get better. It does - it flows in and out lkke the sea tides, and your good, your joy, the beauty, will be coming back. You don’t need to see into the future. You don’t need to know how it will get better.
all you need to do is hang on. All you need to do is repeat to yourself over and over that you are on the warriors path, and you will keep putting one foot in front of the other.
sometimes the strongest way to move forward looks like sleeping. Sometimes it looks like feeling numb, because your emotions are needing to retreat and heal. Sometimes the strongest thing looks like taking a bath or shower.
and the strongest thing can also look like the brave step you took here, with your words, to say: hold my hand. I need kindness.
you knew you deserved kindness- somewhere deep down, you knew it was an injustice that someone could be cruel to you when you were hurting- that, to me, is a big spark! It is a spark of fighter in you; it’s a gorgeous flame.
keep going, you lovely soul. Sending you love. You are not alone!
I’ve been there and I was so angry. And I’m angry for you, and I’m proud of you that you wrote to us.