Bi-polar neighbour in manic phase: difficult to live with

[doginabowtie]

I don't know if this is the right forum to post on but I thought that here there may be people with the knowledge to advise me. If there is a better place for it then if you tell me I'll get it moved.

I'm newly retired (early this year) and live alone. New neighbours moved in in 2022, a couple in their late 40s. She seemed very quiet and a bit depressed. We gradually got to know each other and she used to come in and have a coffee or we'd do some gardening together on weekends when her husband (he's an NHS worker) was on rota. She wasn't someone who talked about herself much, so I didn't feel I knew her.

Earlier this year her low mood shifted and each time we met she seemed happier and more chatty. I've been away a lot since March in my camper van and on bucket list trips, coming home for a week or so now and then before setting off again. I came back home properly in mid September after a couple of months in Australia. I'm doing an MA at the local university and I needed to be here for that. Her mood and behaviour has changed again. She's very 'up' and she started turning up at my front door and ringing long and hard until I let her in. She'd walk in and tell me she'd come for tea and then walk round my kitchen helping herself to food from the fridge and talking non-stop — and not always making sense. On one occasion she went all over the house telling me what colours I needed to paint each room and that I needed to replace all my furniture. It was plain that she was on a manic high. I've had colleagues and a couple of friends who are bi-polar and I recognised what was going on.

It's continuing. She phones me several times a day, demanding that I go round there or to tell me she's coming over to me or just talking endlessly about some new idea or theory she's come up with. I respond every couple of days and then impose limits on the amount of time and attention she gets from me. On a couple of occasions when I've had to end the call because I have other things to do, she's been rude. I'm doing what I can to hold some boundaries, but after I turned off my front doorbell, she turned up at my back door, let herself in and stripped all the petals from a vase of flowers on the kitchen table. I didn't realise she was there until I came downstairs and found her. It was a shock and freaked me slightly.

I managed to catch her husband when he arrived home that evening and mentioned what was going on and he said she's bi-polar but has always refused drugs or help. She just says this is how she is and people can take her or leave her. He also said that when she gets really bad he leaves home until she's come down again. He recommended I keep my doors and windows locked, remove anything valuable from the garden and park my camper van and car elsewhere, because in the past she's smashed vehicle windows during psychotic episodes.

I noticed last week that his car wasn't on the drive and that there were lights and music on in their house through the night. There have been lights on increasingly late for a while now, so I'm guessing she's not sleeping and things are peaking. I deliberately arranged to be away over much of the weekend and I didn't answer her phone calls. I'm back now, but I've parked round the corner so she won't see the car and know I'm home. I crept around without putting the lights on last night and crept out again early. I don't know what to do now. I feel very uncomfortable hiding away like this, but I'm also nervous of encountering her in her current mood.

Any advice from anyone who'd been through something similar would be appreciated. I understand that other neighbours have complained to the police about noise, lights and intrusive behaviour but nothing has happened as a result. I suppose I may need to move out too, until she crashes.

This is really bad. I have no advice but I wanted to give you some moral support.

Thank you. I think that every other with bi-polar disorder I've known has been supported (not always as well as one would hope) by a social worker or an MH specialist.

One of my former colleagues who had a history of manic psychosis held a meeting with HR and colleagues when she joined the company, told those of us working with her that she had BPD, told us how to tell when she was getting manic and gave everyone contact details for her psychiatric social worker so they could check on her. She was sectioned twice in the time I worked with her.

Unfortunately as my neighbour appears to avoid contact with medical or psychiatric services it's difficult to know what to do.

Is there really no one who can offer any suggestions or advice?

Lock all the doors to your house and ignore the doorbell? Why is your back door unlocked?

Also I would call the police that she is harrassing you, and obviously report any vandalism. Might help her to get some medical help even if she is refusing.

@doginabowtie i would ring adult social services and say you are concerned about her behaviour. Also keep your doors locked and ring the police if she turns violent. Sending hugs x

I'm bipolar and unmedicated for the most part, but I have a whole host of support and have done so much hard work and therapy to gain insight into my issues. This isn't right at all. If she enters your house or damages your things, you need to report it to the police. She needs to get the support whether she wants it or not and be held accountable for her poor choices leading to criminal activity . And I say that as somebody that once ran out of the house naked and smashed ALL her ( now DH) car windows with a toddlers push bike, before I was diagnosed.

Yeah report to social services vulnerable adult team. Especially if her dh just leaves her when she's manic. If she starts vandalising anything or making massive noise all night you could also report to Police - Thry might help the mental health team to get involved.

Thank you. Neighbours have contacted the police, but they seem reluctant to get involved — though they may, I suppose, have notified the Vulnerable Adults team. Thank you for pointing me in that direction, I'll see if I can get hold of anyone else there now. I'm getting a bit twitchy about going home. I'm not scared of her, but her behaviour is so unpredictable and she has an edge about her.

@WitchyBits, hugs to you. You sound like everyone I've ever previously met who is bi-polar. This 'I don't identify as bi-polar, even if I am' attitude is new to me.

@premierleague I live in a normally very quiet, settled neighbourhood where I don't recall a burglary or any kind of crime in the 20+ years I've been here. It would never occur to me that I needed to lock the back door during the day. The only access is via a locked and bolted side gate or over the garden fence. Places like this still exist.

Thank you all.

I managed to speak to someone after contacting the Vulnerable Adults number, but I she wasn't very helpful or positive and seemed to think I was a nosy neighbour trying to make life difficult for a women with mental health issues. She said to me a couple of times that if my neighbour really was suffering from bi-polar disorder she would be known to the MH team at social services and someone there would be monitoring. I've sent her an email detailing some of the things that have gone on and given them my number but I'm not holding my breath. I know from experience 25 years ago that people with MH issues have to do something pretty drastic before they get the help they need.

I was thinking of staying in my camper van for a while, but it's increasingly cold and the evenings are long and dark. A friend has offered me a spare room for a couple of nights but I don't want to start relying on other people. I'm going to wait till it's dark, slip into the house and pack some stuff up (winter duvet and bedding, a week's worth of warm clothes etc) and then slip out quietly, load the car and stay away for a night or two. I might phone the police tomorrow and log my concerns. Thank you for the advice.

Call the police on her when needed. If she does not have a diagnosis and is refusing care treat it as “neighbor having psychotic episode need help.” She is not your friend she is a difficult neighbor.

Stop interacting with her even if she seems ok. Just hold your hand up if she comes near you and say firmly “Susan I don’t have time for you today.” Don’t make plans with her. Lick your stuff down.

She is heading for a crackup and her husband is terrified and avoidant. You are not in a position to help her—she lacks insight. Call for help as often as you need to and describe her erratic behavior.

Also: get a ring doorbell and a security system if you are worried about her breaking in.

I don't think she'll break the door down or anything like that. I don't actually feel scared that she'll do anything to me. But as she's got more manic she's developed a much sharper edge. After I told her several times that I needed to end a phone call after an hour and she didn't stop talking, I eventually said 'Sorry, I have to go now so I'm going to put the phone down on you. Bye' and put the phone down on her. She phoned me back twice and left a voicemail message swearing at me and telling me no one puts the phone down on her without regretting it. I've still got it.

I'd prefer to avoid her because in my experience when people get really manic they're unpredictable and draining and on broadcast-only, and I just don't want to deal with it. I'm sorry if that sounds mean. I know it's the illness talking, not the person. Even so...

Oh bless you. I'm BP but medicated/self insight work.
I'd echo PP about adult social care. I think she needs medical intervention. They can section her if she has a psychotic episode (largely indicated by the "word salad").
Also how awful her DH has just abandoned all responsibility and buggered off "until she's bett3r". I'm shocked.

Call the police OP, call them every time.

And respectfully stop being such a pushover. No one can give you advice on a similar situation as this is so far from normal.

And I say this as a person with a very close family member who is bi-polar (for so long it was manic depression). Having a mental illness isn't carte blanche to do anything you want. The husband is refusing to deal with it because he knows everyone else will put up with it. His behaviour is shocking.

If she let herself in through your back door without your knowledge then it's reasonable to call the police.

The police are not responding to mental health calls like they used to because of a change in policy called "Right Care Right Person", but the mental health services have not had an increase in their capacity which is needed if you remove all police response.
The other people to ring are the mental health crisis helpline of your local Trust. It sounds like she might not be known to them if they moved from another area and the diagnosis was done elsewhere. Report her as a risk to herself and others, which she is if she is acting as she is. Also, likely she will crash soon and then sadly that is the biggest risk time so much as she doesn't want to be under services, it is helping her to keep making it known to services that she is ill.
You could also try the big bipolar charity for advice www.bipolaruk.org/

I think it's very unfair on those around them for someone with a condition like this to let it go unmanaged.

You need to keep the voicemail where she threatened you. That behaviour is unacceptable. If she does it again go to the police. They can give her a harassment warning but CPS can only prosecute if there's been at least two incidents of harassment. (I'm not a lawyer but that's what I was told a few years ago when I was harassed by an ex partner). Get a ring bell. Block her number. Do not ever let her in your property. As others have said, she's a neighbour, not a friend, so your priority should be your own safety 💐

I live in a lovely leafy area. Loads more crime here than last year and your house insurance is invalid if no forced entry. Never leave an external door unlocked.

Op, I agree with others please contact the social service to help your neighbour. She needs help and she can’t manage to get it herself.
I would be very grateful if someone would call the social service to help my very ill family member who lives away from me. She needs professional help. It s not fair on her displaying her illness to her neighbours without her own awareness. Put yourself in her position what would you want your neighbour to do for you.

Sadly I know from experience that people who, when they are well, encourage those around them to notify their psychiatric social worker/ MH team when they notice hypermedia setting in are not appreciative when they do.

I spoke to the police and they said they had already had a couple of reports of my neighbour needing an intervention. They'd say no more, but it sounds as if something is happening. I have one more night here with my friend and then I think I'll go away for a long weekend in my camper van. I've been back briefly to the house to pick up more clothes and there are still lights blazing all over the house and music playing.

I hope she will get sectioned before too late. The mh system is so broken often being sectioned is the only quickest way to get to see a psychiatrist. Paramedics re not necessarily trained to deal with mh. Hope she will get the right treatment.

No idea if anyone will see this, but on Thursday evening I had a message from the woman who lives across the road to tell me that the ornamental bay tree, which grows in a large container near the front door of my house, had been knocked over and the container smashed. She didn't know when it had happened but she thought she'd let me know. She sent photos of the mess. I went back in the dark to have a look at the damage. There's no way it could have tipped over on its own.

My manic neighbour must have heard or seen me turn up and came out wanting to know where I'd been, then started an angry rant about moving to this area because she was told there was a good community here but we're all bastards, no one wants to be friends with her. Whenever I tried to say anything she told me to shut up, so after a while I got back into the van and drove away.

I've reported the damage and the incident to the police. They don't say much except to say that someone may contact me in the next few days. I also contacted the woman over the road and said I'd been over there but had been confronted by my neighbour before I could clear up. She said her partner will go over today and rescue the bay tree, which is kind of them. I explained that I've felt I needed to get away and she said she thought that was sensible and has said they can probably change the angle of their CCTV camera to include my house while I'm away. It feels reassuring to know that other people are keeping an eye on things.

I'm spending the weekend in my van, camped up on a lovely site near the sea and not far from an old friend who I'll be meeting for lunch. It's all feeling a bit surreal. If I wasn't dealing with the stress of starting my MA and returning to university after 40 years I might have had the mental strength and space to deal with this neighbour situation better, but at the moment I feel overwhelmed with the reading and the work to be done and I just don't have the headspace to cope with her MH issues. Anyway, at least I have lots of time to study this weekend.

@doginabowtie I'm so sorry you are still having trouble with this lady. Can anyone report her to the authorities and get her the help she needs??? I know from your previous posts she's refusing help but something needs to be done. You shouldn't have to hide away