What to do - Even my therapist dislikes me

[Pickandmixmood]

I’m starting to realise that even my therapist dislikes me now that she has got to know me.
I think there is something fundamentally rotten inside me that she can see and that is really upsetting me because I don’t try to be odious.
I’m in two minds about whether to stop seeing her as I have already stopped seeing my psychiatrist for the same reason.
Maybe I just have to accept that everyone can see I am evil and give up trying.

What have you exactly done that is wrong to them, or is it that you may be unwell and are seeing things differently than if you were well?

What have they done or said that tells you they dislike you?

What makes you think that they dislike you?

I don’t think I do nasty things but I am just rotten inside and that can’t be hidden

Maybe you should discuss this with them?
Many of us have a self sabotage part which comes to the fore when we start to make progress.
As this has happened previously with your psychiatrist I suspect it is part of a pattern you have.

It is a pattern that they find out that I am evil and they can’t disguise their feelings about that.

Are you bothered about being evil?

Yes, I don’t want to be and I try not to be but it is inside me.

If it bothers you, then you aren’t innately evil.

Do you take medication for these thoughts and feelings?

I think you should tell your therapist what you have written here.

Have you told your therapist that you think this? They are trained not to show like or dislike. You could be projecting your own feelings onto them. It's easy to think a serious, concentrated expression is one of dislike, if you are looking to have an idea you hold about yourself (eg that you are evil) confirmed.

Unless the therapist has refused to continue to see you because you disturb them, there is no reason to make the assumption you are making.

Have you ever done anything evil, or is it just a belief you hold about yourself?

What did your therapist do or say to convince you that they don't like the dark part of you?

We all have shadow selves OP.

What medication would be taken for being rotten inside?

Op, what do you mean by "evil" and "rotten inside"? These are really strong words to describe oneself.

As therapists, we absolutely love hearing about the clients "bad" selves. Please don't think your therapist has judged you.

You sound like you should still be seeing your psychiatrist.

Dod you speak to them about these feelings ?

@Pickandmixmood what did your therapist do or say to you that makes you think they believe you to be evil?

Therapy can be deeply unsettling, and it can absolutely feel like criticism and rejection of you at the fundamental levels of your personhood. Personal growth can be very, very painful.

This can be mitigated by going at a gentler pace, or sometimes we need to re evaluate the ration of positive affirmations to negative. A good therapist will be open to adjusting their approach .

It may also be the case that you need a different therapist. They’re not all equally well trained or talented and at the end of the day we’re all human beings forging connections. I wouldn’t take my clothes off and jump into bed with someone who just happened to be a man and I can’t be intimately vulnerable with everyone who happens to be a therapist. Finding a good fit in therapy is a lot like dating.

What you’re expressing might not be objectively true, but it is still a valid perception of your experience. The reason we are in therapy is because we are suffering with emotional damage and pain but even if it’s buried there is still a beautiful aspect to us all. Therapy is about creating safety to free that version of ourselves.

Don’t lose faith. Talk to your therapist about this. Talk to more therapists if you need to. Find a new psychiatrist too.

❤️

I mean this kindly, but you are evidently not well - people don't generally have some ineffable evil inside them that others can sense unless they're a serial killer (and even then, plenty of them were very charming apparently). Keep working with your therapist and be honest with them about how you feel - it's not normal to feel intrinsically evil or bad, and that's something that therapy can probably help with (along with medication), but you need to be honest with your therapist so they can help.

You don't have to feel like this, it isn't normal. It must be exhausting and upsetting, and I really hope your therapist can help.

Thank you. I wish I could believe that.

I did tell her that I was causing bad things to happen as punishment for being evil.
She doesn’t believe me and doesn’t understand.

Are you really evil OP? In what way? How are your thoughts and actions evil?

Because why you believe is not true and it is because you are ill.

I think you should go back to whoever is dealing with your medication for a review.

That's a belief, rather than a fact - and I can say objectively that I know you're not being punished for some imagined badness by the universe, but it's very hard when your beliefs about yourself are so strongly held. This is exactly the kind of thing therapy can address, though: you just need to work with your therapist on it. It seems that feeling this way is making you unhappy, hence the therapy/psychiatrist - so you're open to not wanting to feel like that, which is good. Now you need to be open to the idea that regardless of what you assume their thoughts on you are (and as a stranger, I can tell you a therapist will see hundreds of clients and their personal feelings aren't relevant! They're there to do a job), the therapist's role is to help you unpick why you believe these things and understand that they're only beliefs, not facts. This will help you take a step back from them and see them more objectively, which will help in the long term.