DH wants a divorce

[Devastatedandblue]

Sorry, im shaking as I type this. Together 21 years, married 12. No kids.

Very much my fault, I'm depressed (on sertraline) and drink too much. I'm on a waiting list for counselling. We had a drunken row last night, he said he didn't love me and was moving to spare room. In light of day he has reaffirmed that he's seeing a solicitor tomorrow.

If anyone's around for a kind word, I'd appreciate it a lot.

I know it’s a cliche but sit down with a cup of tea and start writing down how you feel, what you want, what needs to happen next.

You are married and have a long relationship, so the fact that the house is in DH name is probably (but not definitely) irrelevant. You will need individual legal advice at some point when you are ready. Try not to put it off too long though.

Is there anyone you can call in real life who will support you? Friends? Family?

You will get through this and come out the other side stronger and better. 💐

He bought the house during marriage.

My mum is very frail and lives 200 miles away. I'm pretty much alone (apart from you guys, thanks again)

OP I've been you. DH ended our marriage after almost 30 years, I was financially dependent, depressed and drinking too much.

Yes it was scary at first and I couldn't see a way out but do you know what? As soon as he left and things were settled I realised HE was the cause of most of my issues. The way he used to speak to me and treat me made me feel worthless.

You CAN get through this. Yes it takes time and it will be a different life to the one you're used to now but that doesn't make it a worse one xx

You’re both het up and at your wits end.
Go for a long brisk walk to calm down and distance yourself. He probably needs a break from you atm.
Return, apologise, promise to stop drinking immediately and get a job. Ask him what he believes can be done to save the marriage. See if there’s a solution.
It might not be as bad as you think. People lash out when they’re stressed. I imagine he’s still very angry and frustrated with you.
Make sure you follow through with your promises even if he does divorce you.

We are here for you OP - you are not alone. We care.

I've been where you are, it's a frightening and dark place. I feel deep empathy.

Thank you again. The kindness of strangers.

@Devastatedandblue you matter. However it feels right now, you matter.

Also - you might find that aspects of your depression are dynamically tied up with the relationship, the marriage. It's possible that down the line you'll feel better than you can imagine now.
Please hang in. Your life matters.
Big, big hug. 💞

@HebburnPokemon Yes. My ex husband and I didn't have children or share property and I still had to go the legal route to protect my personal savings when we divorced. Had I not he would have been legally entitled to try and gain possession of half the house I have since bought with the father of my child.

@Devastatedandblue I know what you're going through and how awful this feeling is right now. I know it doesn't feel like it, but this feeling will pass. This situation is a temporary one and if you hang in there you will be so glad you did when you start to have happier days. I speak from experience. If you feel calling Samaritans would help then absolutely do it, they'll stay on the phone to you as long as you need and won't judge you or tell you what you should or shouldn't do.

Do you have any family or friends nearby who can be with you today? Even if you're in a different room and they're just around somewhere in the background? I know how tempting it is to self isolate at times like this but it usually makes everything feel worse.

Try not to think about that. If you don’t want to call Samaritans, 111 now has a dedicated mental health support team

I'm going to have a long bath. This isn't a euphemism, I'm going to go and cry in the bath rather than cry in the sitting room!

I’m in a similar, albeit different circumstances, position. I’m scared too. Please keep your head up. Go for a walk and breathe. You’ll be ok, I promise.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly

After a 21 year relationship and 12 year marriage yes, I’d assume so,

edited to correct times

Samaritans aren't just for the suicidal

They listen no matter what

Sometimes talking through everything at the wrong time can end up in thinking about new problems or anxieties.

Hi OP, I'm really sorry you're going through this. You are in shock and it will take some time to process that but there is a future ahead of you and you will find happiness. Sometimes a massive shock like this can be the catalyst needed to sort out problems, such as your drinking. Have your bath & a good cry & also deal with the practicalities of divorce. Look at tge Divorce & Separation chat page on here - it was so useful to me when I went through divorce. You won't feel better overnight but you will over time. Xx

Hi OP, so sorry you are in this difficult situation. People do get through things like this - your situation sounds similar to my Mum's when she was about your age, and I can assure you she went on to live a happy fulfilling alcohol free life without my dad in it.

Do please reach out for help with your drinking and mental health (almost certainly aspect s of the same thing) - and do it for you. Marriage or no marriage your life will be so much better if you can get on top of the drinking.

There is a ton of support both out there in person, and also on here.

Just start taking one small step at a time towards a better healthier life.

Do you have any access to money OP?

Out of the bath. I just feel so devastated, and really really want a drink, but I promise you I won't.

I have never been to an AA meeting, but am going to go tonight. If only for something to do.

@Candaceowens Not really. I could ask him to transfer some but I don't want to "poke the bear". I feel like if I don't talk to him, it's not happening.

Phone the Samaritans anytime you feel too low.

AA meeting sounds good.

Tomorrow you need to start claiming any benefits you may be entitled to as a single person.

In the meantime hopefully your H will support you financially enough, let him know what you have applied for so he knows you are being proactive.

Were you both drunk during the fight or just you? Emotions run high well into the next day after having too much to drink. Does this happen often and he's reached the end of his rope, or is it just a blow-up from all the compounded stress on the both of you? I would try to stay as calm as possible for now, which I know is almost impossible. I've told dh I wanted a divorce a time or two in the past 10 years, and after a few days of the dust settling, came to my senses and knew I was just speaking out of frustration, hurt, anger etc. If this is not the case I'm truly sorry for you op. Sounds like you already have enough on your plate without this happening as well.

@BabyOwlinthePlumeria it was just me. We had been to a wedding, I had wine at the dinner, he said I was embarrassing. Not a one off, sadly.

In response I'd say friends who have been through similar went through an up and down pattern of shock and grief before coming to an acceptance after an unpleasant and protracted period of negotiation.

Some stopped drinking to excess, two were no longer depressed and one recovered from years of CFS/ME.

Doesn't make it any easier to hear that I imagine as it's so raw right now.