Help....

[whispywhisp]

I don't know whether or not I have got depression. I have never been to a Dr etc.

I am always snappy. I find it hard to get through a day without shouting at DH or the kids. I know I'm not the nicest person to live with at the moment and I've been like this for months.

I lost my Dad suddenly 2.5yrs ago. Since then my life seems pointless. I was very close to my lovely Dad. There's been many a time I could have craved a shoulder....

I have two lovely daughters whom I adore. I have a husband who I have been married to for 14yrs. I do love him but not in the same way I used to, iyswim. He tolerates the way I am but thats about it. He doesn't know what to say to me anymore. We just seem to plod along with life.

We are permanently skint. DH has a very good job but with a mortgage etc etc we live very much borderline. I work from home - but I hope to go back to a 'normal' job when dd2 starts school in September although finding a job that will allow for school hols/inset days etc will be hard to find.

I have no family help with the kids at all. DH has nothing to do with his parents (long story) and my family are too busy doing their own thing.

I feel so lonely sometimes. I feel like shutting myself away. I love to read and could read all day if I could. I see it is a form of escapism. Get into a good book and forget about our worries.

I am on the pill - have been since dd2 was born - I wonder if that is causing me to be so miserable? I don't know.

I am overweight - have been for years - I am always trying to lose it - I lose some then put it back on. I know my weight plays a major part in how I feel. Vicious circle because I eat when I feel miserable.

Does anyone know of anything herbal I could take to help pick me up? I don't want to go to the Drs. Thanks.

oh sod it, i posted a bloody long post offering my support, basically im in a very similar situation, i lost my dad too, about the same time as you - its shit isn;t it. I am on ADs, i wouldnt be here without them, i am sceptical of herbal remedies, its much the same as meds but without the fine tuning IMO. I love to read too, i like my stories to be fairly unreal as then i can totally escape. If they are set in europe mores the better I dream about being in a mountain hideaway, sipping orange juice on a cobbled terrace overlooking the valley - if only.........

Keep trying lovely, it does get better. I echo what the last poster said, a walk can make such a difference. Do get some help, i so could have written your post, nearly word for word.

The long post was lost because i crashed, sodding computor .

Shit, didnt recognise you from your dog thread, hows she doing?

hi

whispwisp

we have also had a year of money probs and the pils live next door to us

I have given up alcohol and tea and coffee
think that helps me a tiny bit

think life does become a sort of sameness

can you try to alter some tiny things day today?

Hi everyone and thanks.

Firstly thank you for your replies. I do really appreciate it. It's good to know there are people out there who not only read what I've typed in the OP but also give their support and help.

I've had a pretty awful day again today. I'm very up and down. But more down than up. I don't want to go to my GP. I simply do not want to go. If I'm honest losing my lovely Dad to a drunk driver has been the hardest part of my life so far. Having had Dad for almost 40yrs it was awful to lose him the way we did.

I try to make time for myself. I love time on my own. Time to think, reflect, remember and try to smile. If I'm honest whilst I love being a Mum...being a full-time Mum is hard work especially during half-terms. My Mum doesn't want to know when it comes to helping me out with the kids. She had no help when she was a Mum so can't see why I can't cope. DH's parents cut their ties with us years ago. I have no-one who can have the kids for me. They're good girls but I simply crave a break. Is that really selfish of me?

Yes I do go for walks. I love walking. Fortunately I have a very young and active dog who loves her walks too so have no excuse on that point. I use my walks as time to clear my head..empty it of problems.

We have no money whatsoever. What comes in goes out. Money has always been the basis of any argument with dh and me.

I chatted to my Mum today and told her I desperately need a break - I want to go back to work - I want to be 'X' rather than 'Mum'....she just tutted and said no more. Most of my mates have parents or in-laws who love to spend time with their Grandchildren or sisters/brothers who love to have their neices/nephews...not me. My sister leads a very busy lifestyle jetting off here and there and my brother has never shown any interest in my kids despite me sending photos/letters etc.

I just feel like I'm in this huge black hole. I'm trying to get out of it but its a very lonely task in doing so.

To answer your last point I have started taking Agnus Castus and it has helped.

I also lost my Nana just under 3 years ago and have no family now. It is hard.

DH's parents are good at helping out with £££ but no good at talking or emotions.

I used to say if we were alive at the end of the day it was a good day.

Take care.

whispy, it is a very lonely place to be, depression is very isolating, as is bereavement. You can have crowds around you and still feel completely alone. I can understand your reluctance to go to the doctor and i resisted for ages, until people on here begged me to go - it was the best thing i could have done.

But it is up to you, you know you better than anyone else. Posting on here helps me alot, even when im just having a general shit day i come on here and moan. Its very liberating, it means i can offload my shit on here and not on my partner.

I noticed he brought you some lovely flowers on your profile and you were professing how lucky you felt - so there are good days??

So on your behalf about your father, thats so awful, you must have a lot of anger inside you. I really think you need to talk to someone about this, your doctor could give you the telephone numbers, or the samaritans (you dont have to be on the edge to ring them).

As far as your mum goes, i do remember that my mum was v similar to this when i first had DD, she hardly ever came to see her etc. It was like she shut down, i had to ASK her to help, i did this because actually my mum is quite old and not in the best of health, but a stubborn old bint who wont accept help but thrives when she feels needed. It might be a reaction on your mums part - everyone of course is different. My mum gets so much out of being a big part in DDs life, is there anyway you could integrate your mum more - then she might realise that you are in need of a bit of help here. Its hard i guess as she may well be "wallowing" for want of a better word, in her own greif and not able to see yours. I feel like that sometimes.

I'm glad to hear about your dogs, my DP bought me a dog last year after we lost our old one and he is a little star.

I have tried to bring Mum into the lives of my two DDs...but if I've ever asked her to have them for me for a couple of hours its been met with 'why?' and I've had to have an appt of some kind for her to agree to have them. If she has had them I go and pick them up and find Mum glued to the tv or asleep and I find the kids running around the garden or simply sat staring into space. My Dad was always very interested in the kids. If they were ill he'd be the one to ring. If it was Parents Evening he'd be the one to ask how it went etc etc. I miss not being able to tell him how they are doing. He was such a proud Grandad and he made me a proud Mum being able to tell them how the kids were doing. My Mum isn't at all maternal.

When Dad died I would find it hard not to cry but if I did, in front of Mum, it wasn't met with a hug or comforting words... she would simply say 'oh life goes on' or 'snap out of it'.

DH tries his hardest to understand how I feel, not only about losing Dad, but about everything that is making me so fed up. But he only understands to a certain point and then he seems to run out of patience and walk away. Having said that I know I push him away too.

He loses patience because he doesnt understand. DP will often tell me that he can't understand why i just dont live my life. I have a phobia of illness or dying. He cant understand why im worried and fretting all the time.

Have you spoken to him about this? Told him that you are feeling this way? Does he think you should get some help? My DP was very anti me going to the doctor s and was horrified at the thought of ADs, now he reminds me to take them because he says its like having the old me back. Its not perfect, i have some very dark days, but i can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

No he doesn't really talk to me anymore, tbh. We talk about the kids etc but that's about it. He's not the same DH that I married all those years ago. I know he does love me but we're not that close anymore. Probably down to me pushing him away. He's never lost anyone close to him and for a time he couldn't understand why I was so upset at losing my Dad - although he was upset but nowhere near as me. He doesn't have a family of his own to talk to with them having walked away years ago. His life revolves around his job. TBH if it weren't for the kids I wouldn't be with him I'm sure of that. Because he doesn't understand how I am I get no emotional support from him. He just sits and nods at me, makes me a cup of tea and thinks it will all be ok. Sometimes I feel like I need a good shake, kick up the backside, reminded of how lucky I am to have two lovely daughters, a home of our own etc etc....but then again I feel in the depths of this despair I'm in I can't see how lucky I am. Hard to explain but I've tried. x

Whispy

I too lost my father in an industrial accident 7.5 years ago now and it was one of the hardest things I have been through.

My mum was devestated and did not allow anyone else to have any grief ie If I said I missed him, she basically toild me he was only my dad and he was her husband so imagine her pain.

I also have 2 DS and get no help, are in the same financial pickle you are to. In fact it seems as we could somewhat lead paralle lives, except I cracked....

I had PND after the birth of DS2 and had to get help, i was very lucky in that i got really good mental health care and received weekly CBT at home and consultant care too. OK I am on medication, but I have an illness, but I also an receiving help to give me the tools to assist myself.

I have a book called overcoming depression by Paul Gilbert and it really gives some positive techniques to aid in your receovery.

I would also recomend grief councelling from your GP if you can get it.

Keep on chatting

Whispy - one of the best expressions regarding depression was that it is like a field, it is hard to tell what is the weeds and what is the flowers, well CBT gives you the skills to enjoy the flowers and either change the weeds or ignore them

It is hard to explain, because we are all different. It is also hard to see past the clouds of depression. Is there any way i can get you to give the doctors a try?? You just sound sooo much like i did when i was at my lowest. I even posted on the relationships bit of the forum discussing ending my relationship for pretty much the same reasons you are quoting here. It is hard to love someone suffering from depression as you tend to be the one they lash out at. At least thats how it was for me, i dont know your situation.

When we are depressed, our seratonin levels drop to a point where it becomes almost impossible to bring them back up again. Our brains make less of it, it thinks it needs less so makes even less, it is one of the reasons why depression is such a long term problem. I take a type of AD that boosts the levels of seratonin in the brain and also encourages the brain to make more of it too, so its meant to be a long term fix. They are not supposed to be addictive, although im not ready to come off of mine yet - but that is because ive not had the talking therapy that i need.

I can see so much of how i was in your posts, you should talk to someone in real life.

I would so like to echo what madhouse has said, she put things much more clearly than i have

Hiya Lucyellen and Madhouse....

Madhouse..you may well recognise me from the book circle! You may also remember I was late posting the book to you? Now you can see why!

Having this site helps me tremendously. I know its not RL as in talking to a professional or a friend but it does help me a lot.

If my Dad knew how low I was he would be the one telling me to get my act together and he'd probably be really annoyed with me because, yes, it does rub off onto the kids etc. He'd be telling me life is too short to be miserable. He was never miserable. Even the day before he died he was laughing and smiling. He knew he didn't have long. I knew that too but no one knew he'd die so quickly.

I feel redundant. I can't work because my youngest dd only does 2 days a week at playgroup - its all we can afford. I gave up an excellent career and well paid job to have children. My confidence is at an all-time low. DH is often away. He works long hours which means I could never consider an evening job. I often think back to pre-kids....money, good job, career, independence, lots of lovely clothes, peace, quiet, time on my own, regular trips to the gym, good figure, regular hair appts...now its trying to cover bills, living in jeans, kids permanently interrupting me, no peace, permanent housework and constant repetitive 'being mum'.

I may come across as appearing a very selfish individual but boy am I tired of this life.

hi
think being a mum you hear the words
mmmmmmmmmuuuuummeeeeeeee

so much
I wrote in on our notice board for my dh to see
he laughed though

Cinderella...are you AliceinWonderland? xxx

yes

I was aliceinwonderland

quite a good character for when you are feeling low,
I like cinders now seems to fit

whispy, you are soooo not selfish. You don;t sound selfish either, you just sound unhappy. I am finding my DD really hard just now, its constant from the time i get up til the time i go to bed. I often look at other parents and think, what am i doing so wrong?? Its exhausting and demoralising, and then they say "i love you mummy" or do something silly and you remember why you chose to be there for them.

Your dad sounds like a lovely man, i dont think he would be cross, he would be worried and sad for you, but never cross. So nice that he was able to laugh and smile with you before he went. At least you had some special time together, not that it helps much, i know.

Whay can I say. I to felt the same way as you, we were used to having it all - so to speak. We lived in Berkshire, both worked hard and had fab holidays etc, but when the children came along, things had to change. We moved back oop north. I stopped working - we didnt have kids for someone else to look after them, but I also found that my self worth was pretty much attached to what I did.

When you have a "paid" job, you get priase, rewards, recognition etc, but with children, it just dont happen unless like tonight my DH turned round to me and said the boys were a credit to me and that I do a really good job.

I too want to return to "paid" work eventually, but it would not be financially viable at this time.

Ultimatly it was the children that gave me the kick up the backside I needed. I did not want them to grow up with a SAD mummy.

I also have a routine - ie we are out of the house every morning to do something

Monday - Mums and Toddlers (Crafty type one)
Tuesday - Old fashioned Mums and toddlers
Wednesday - Swimming
Thursday - Shopping
Friday - Music and movement

DS1 has just started preschool from 12.30 to 3. This ensures that I get some adult company. OK it took me a while to find people who I could relate to, but I have one firm friend and a couple of decent ones.

I can tell you the last time we had a meal as a couple is over 2 years ago, but I now try to have Friday night as an adult night. Cook a meal eat at the table, bottle of wine and TALK.

I really think that you need to go to the GPs and look to get some help, just to pull you out of the rut and give you some motivation to make things change. Perhaps you could go swimming when your youngest is at playgroup. Make time for you. I joined thre FLY ladies, it means that cleaning is no longer a chore. It becomes quite rewarding and also I found thata clean house made me feel better - it is not tidy, but it is clean and also DH does his bit now too.

I could ramble all day, but Coco has my e-mail address - get it and MSN me anytime.

madhouse, you are quite an inspiration, ive never quite got my head round the whole fly lady thing, but i do feel better when the house is tidy, but you should see it just now .

Whispy, keep on keeping on, you are not alone.

madhouse, you are quite an inspiration, ive never quite got my head round the whole fly lady thing, but i do feel better when the house is tidy, but you should see it just now .

Whispy, keep on keeping on, you are not alone.

Lucyellensmum - Oh I am not an inspiration, I am a sucess story for timely and good mental health intervention. I was lucky to get a great mental health nurse, fab consultant (who is now head of the local mental health team), good medication and even better therapy.

By more than anything else, it has been the will to get better - I never want my boys to think that they have been a burden or casued me any pain.