Can’t cope with being a transphobe.

[genandtonic]

DD is trans and has been encouraged to move out and go no contact. I thought wearing boys stuff was cool, I’m just not entirely sure testosterone is a good idea. We have been vilified by the school, Friends seem to think they should take sides against me. No one is looking at the real problems underneath.
I thought I was coping, but it’s driving a rift between me and DH and now DS is acting odd.
we desperately need a break and are too stressed to sort it -
My little world is collapsing around me and I now can’t cope. Help!

I'm sorry to hear what's going on. Are you getting any support? Any groups you can talk to or counselling?

Your daughter is still at school but has moved out? Where has she gone and who encouraged her to move out?

All you can do is let your daughter know you love and support her and are open to her return.

Hi OP, if you post on the Feminism board, there are some mums there who have been through this and they would know of support for you.

How old is your DD, and who encouraged her to say she’s really a boy?

It's a trend OP. Hopefully it'll pass for your DD soon.

The tides are turning, lots of young people are starting to wise up.

First of all.

Lose the guilt. Stop calling yourself a transphobe. You are not. Come to peace with this and treat yourself more kindly.

Second.

Your responsibility isn't to be nice as a parent. It's to parent and to safeguard your child. Especially when no one else will. You need to ask the right questions as part of this. To hell with being transphobic. These are essential questions.

As soon as some questions become off limits, you close avenues of communication. Given the rates of desistance you need to make sure she has a way back if she wants it. You are it.

Being kind as a parent is sometimes saying the things no one wants to hear and standing up for your child's interests even in the face of hostility.

Third

You can't fake it. You clearly don't believe you can change sex. You can't teach children or young adults lies and misleading them that transition is a magic bullet solution. It's really not.

Fourth.

Make sure you aren't isolated and alone. Find other women in your situation and support each other. There are plenty out there. You need this as a counter weight to those who are trying to vilify you.

Fifth.

Make sure you are familiar with the Cass Review and recent legal rulings and the side effects of transition for females. Be informed. Read Hannah Barnes book. Read invisible women.

You are not crazy. You are not bigoted. Caring about your daughter's well being is not prejudice.

If your child is being told by others that boys have certain types of body (i.e. not female bodies) then those people are the transphobes.

Your child can have a boy gender, or whatever it is they are told they have, without it necessitating a certain body type - isn't that what gender identity is all about?

You'll find these people often confuse sex with gender. They get very muddled.

Thank you so much. I am feeling very very isolated and alone. Friends and family are adding to the rift by believing that we are transphobes. It means everyone’s appalling divisive, sanctimonious beghaviour is forgiven because they are woke. How can anyone sanction a child being lured away by a cheerleader mum and being indoctrinated to believe testosterone- steroids are a good idea.
I wasn’t a transphobe whatever that means. I certainly didn’t run away shrieking when I saw a trans person as the word would suggest.
I bloody would now. There’s some VERY creepy older blokes about, and some very aggressive younger masked men about.
sorry, I’m tired, hurt and confused. Our daughter has a friend, I’m friends with the parents. But the dad has just befriended our daughter on Facebook - knowing she has gone no contact, not thinking to tell us this is what he’s doing.
im surprisingly hurt and confused and angry and confused.
please help, suggestions on how to not let it overwhelm me welcome. I’m sliding into a very deep hole here.

Can’t sleep, so anxious. Anxious now about being annoying to Son. He’s seen his sister and has been moody ever since.

You are going to lose your child. If you love them and want them in your life, ACCEPT them and love them as they are.
Maybe they will change their mind, maybe they won't, but what they need is your love and support.

Such a difficult situation.

Is she talking to you at all?

If she isn't then maybe talk to your son. Depending on the ages of them, often siblings will listen to each other.

Be clear about the facts. Some people transition and it is right for them, others don't or detransition. The numbers of detransitioners are going throught he roof.

Your DD cannot change sex. She will always be biologically female. Hormones and surgery can make her a faximale of a man, but her DNA will not change.

Testosterone can cause a lot of damage to a female body, yes it can lower the voice but can also reduce bone density and there is little research on long term use.

You are a mum and you are worried about your DD. That is not transphobic. That is the job of a parent.

Where is she living OP?

That's literally what she's doing but others are telling OP the child needs to change their body.

That is the opposite of accepting them as they are.

Really tricky one OP. I guess you have to let her fuck up her own body then be there for her to pick up the pieces.

It's like a cult unfortunately, but one with the backing of all these well meaning idiots.

They may call you a transphobe (which you are not) but you know they are grooming your dd in plain sight and disrespecting you as a parent. Somehow this grooming is acceptable as it is seen as woke.

They want your dd to go no contact so you cannot talk to her about this on a deeper level, rather than the superficial one they are.

But the dad has just befriended our daughter on Facebook - knowing she has gone no contact, not thinking to tell us this is what he’s doing.
-this dad knows exactly what he is going and has deliberately excluded you,

p.s. check internet settings as this is where it all starts. Not sure how old your dc are.

Your DC needs to be under your roof with no drama.
It would take ages to get any treatment anyway. If DC is away from you theres more chance of her/him being radicalised on the trans stance by others. It needs to be a balanced decision. You need to listen.

Get lost. This isn’t passive acceptance. This is agreeing to support irreversible medication which will leave her DD infertile, permanently changed her voice, support double breast mastectomy. Her dd clearly has mental health problems and going along with it like a clapping seal is not the right thing to do.

I wouldn’t agree to my dd have a her face tattooed or agree to her taking drugs just because it was better to play along

Your not a transphobe and you're not alone. Have a look at Bayswater: https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

Thank you. savethenhs of course I accept her, I’d even accept her idea that testosterone saves lives but we are not being given the chance to.
peachykeane I think you are right. I always will be.
she lives with her ftm partner and family.the mother hasn’t once contacted us. Our daughter has gone no contact. Our son met her and told us she said we need to apologize, which of course we will, and of course it would be nice to find out what for so we can make amends.i imagine her thoughts are different to what we are imagining. I said,‘I’d never intentionally hurt you or your sister’ and son said he knew that, which is some relief!except we can’t apologize or even discuss due to the ‘gone no contact’ .
Have joined bayswater, thank you theoccupier and everyone.

I'm surprised she's gone no contact since you're so supportive. Do you think she's been brainwashed against you?

If that's the case, there's very little you can do for the time being. Get some support for yourself if you're struggling. See if there are any helpful groups on Facebook or elsewhere. The problem is not uncommon.

I wish you all the best.

I’ve read your other threads, I think. Wasn’t your husband part of the problem originally?

I’m so sorry- being right is no comfort, is it?

I would try and separate the cause from the situation. This isn’t happening because you don’t agree your daughter was ‘born in the wrong body’.
It’s happening because teenagers are primed to reject their parents and adopt their peer group as a survival mechanism.
At this age, leaving home arguments crop up about all sorts of issues.
If it wasn’t this, it would probably have been something else.

I would rethink everything if I were you. I’d rethink the friends, the husband, absolutely everything, and build a life where you can be yourself, and build relationships with your son and daughter as much as they will allow.

But you must prioritise yourself at the moment- otherwise you won’t be well enough to prioritise anyone else. Be honest with your son.

My sister identified as a boy for about 3 years in primary school. It was the 90s and it wasn't really spoken about. In the end she realised it was more that she didn't identify with the girls she knew rather than not identifying as a girl herself.
Some times in life it is more important to be present and maybe staying quiet about your concerns and being there to help them figure things out themselves is better.
There was no support for my parents but they did a pretty good job of winging it and being supportive of her choices and giving her space to explore what being a girl or a boy might mean.

We have been vilified by the school, Friends seem to think they should take sides against me

and this is my biggest issue with the trans movement- that parents (who have been blindsided by all this) are getting zero support & their child is been encouraged, and enabled, to go no contact.

That itself is pretty horrific - like a different form of parent alienation (which I think is illegal).

cupscake I’m now totally sure she is being brainwashed against us. I have been over and over everything we said and did. I’ve talked to therapist s and even a cult specialist and they all said it sounds completely that she is being manipulated. Love bombed and isolated.
superscientist this is what I thought we were doing and was advised to do. It’s now changed as magicmushrooms says.
sorry to whinge on. I think I’m coping and then supposed friends husband befriends her on fb. And I’m totally undone again.
can’t actually deal much more.

then David tennent spouts on. Of course everyone should be themselves blah blah but the difference between a privileged north London family who can afford the best fashion statements and a confused fat broke girl in a suburb. Well.
just don’t know how to handle my emotions any more.

So so sorry you are going through this. You're not a transphobe and school are being truly evil to actively encourage your daughter to harm herself and to move out of a loving stable home.

Testosterone causes untold damage to the female body, it is like crack cocaine, massive boosts of energy at first then permanent and incredibly painful damage to your organs, greatly increased cancer risk.

@RedToothBrush is spot on. Read the Cass Review for the most sensible and best informed advice.

Thank you igmum and redtoothbrush very helpful replies.

I'm so sorry. This is one of the reasons I dread this new administration, this will intensify in schools and our institutions. Any doctor willing to give your girl body-altering amounts of testosterone needs to be struck off imo.

Is there any way you can let her know that her feelings are as old as time? I am always struck by how many women experience this as girls, then resolve it as they grow older. But at least they weren't being told to commit irrevocable harms to their bodies. Are there any books or online resources where she can read their stories? I know that Stella O'Malley the Irish psychotherapist experienced similar confusion as a child, did she write a book about it?