Can’t cope with being a transphobe.

[genandtonic]

DD is trans and has been encouraged to move out and go no contact. I thought wearing boys stuff was cool, I’m just not entirely sure testosterone is a good idea. We have been vilified by the school, Friends seem to think they should take sides against me. No one is looking at the real problems underneath.
I thought I was coping, but it’s driving a rift between me and DH and now DS is acting odd.
we desperately need a break and are too stressed to sort it -
My little world is collapsing around me and I now can’t cope. Help!

No one stops OP or anyone else from being out and proud and saying to her child “I can not support your irrational beliefs because I know you are wrong!”

The only thing is she can’t abide other people interpreting this statement as not useful, hostile, problematic, or even transphobic. Hell other people are free to think any number of things about OP’s behavior or reasoning or relationship. People can say she is a raccoon or a tree. They don’t have to get her point or even think about her pain.

Here I stand: I can do no other! Its a time honored position. But its damned uncomfortable.

That is all we are saying.

No point arguing the fine point about how many angels can dance in the head of a pin with me or any other poster. Our opinions don’t matter. OP is asking how to handle relationships with her child/children. If her strongly held opinion divides them she will suffer because she loves them.

In the end OP has to ask herself whether she would rather be justified alone or “wrong” but able to talk with her child.

Your answer was contradictory and used "male" and "boy" as interchangeable words, so I'm doubtful you genuinely believe that boys are "people of either sex".

I'm actually sad people can't bring themselves to be honest here, like the subject isn't deserving of honesty.

You say on one hand that men can be male or female and on the other that female doesn't "match" with being a man.

This is the logic that people are using to tell people they bodies are wrong. And they actually don't care that it's flawed. Because clearly, actually caring enough to engage is asking too much.

I haven't asked you at any point to change my mind, argue, or debate. I haven't set out a position, have I? I have asked you for clarification on terms you keep using.

Oh come on . Just asking questions (JAQ-ing off ) is a tedious faux debate strategy.

and its entirely irrelevant to the OP’s original question.

Maybe just listen to your child

I posted because I didn't understand why it was transphobic to say 'you don't need to look male to be a man, you're fine as you are' and not transphobic to say 'your body is wrong because you don't look male'.

I think this is relevant to the OP. Fair enough if you don't - feel free to report to MN - honestly, if I have misunderstood Talk guidelines etc then happy to have my posts removed.

I'm sure lots of people are confident discussing things without asking anything, but my brain doesn't really work that way, and I've learned if I don't understand something it's usually better in the long run to ask for clarification up front rather than pretend I understand. Absolutely acknowledge that others feel differently.

I am still at a loss as to whether it's transphobic to say "boys are both male and female, so either body "matches" with being a boy"
or
if it's transphobic to say "boys are male so you need to look male if you are a boy".
If you know, please put me straight!

It doesn’t matter to the OP’s situation whether the definition of transphobic means x or y in a dictionary sense—and you could look it up if you absolutely feel your brain needs to know the dictionary definition.

Social and political and cultural issues make some expressions or lines of argument feel necessary to some people and targeted, rude, or covertly antagonistic to others. Thats not specific to this debate at all. Its possible to say airly “I believe obesity is very dangerous to women’s health” in a medical conference with perfect confidence that everyone will nod—but say it in the women’s dressing room or as your daughter’s five year old starts eating her birthday cake and you may get a different reaction.

OP can hold any beliefs she wants, and express them wherever and whenever she wants. But opinions are like farts—everyone has them. Not everyone wants to smell yours.

miss sunshine re your post ..
*You're making assumptions that I haven't also walked this path.

One of my children is non-binary and we support them/her, they are doing fine and we have a good relationship with them. That's our choice. If as an adult, they decide the get body modifications, we would be concerned about the medical/health implications of this but we would still support them, just as we would if one of our children decided they wanted a nose job or a boob job. We'd tell them we thought they were beautiful as they were but ultimately respect their own decision for their body.

The decision that we made to unequivocally support our NB child has been the correct one and I'm very glad we made it. The choice OP makes is up to her.*

. I agree totally with what you have written here. My challenge is is that we weren’t allowed to support her, as her partner decided we would be angry. We weren’t. We accepted, we supported, it wasn’t enough.
like you I am concerned about the medical / health implications just as I would be if she wanted a nose or boob job. Like you I’d tell them they are beautiful and yes, like you I would respect their own decision for there body.

Like you i would prefer it if she had done some thorough research ,as with a boob job, so that she understands what the risks are and can take that into account.

So, you see, we are actually thinking the same.
so I don’t understand why I’m transphobic.

thank you for everyone’s inputs. Wonderful x

thank you, lots to digest, and lots of very intelligent points. A lot to digest!

x

found this, might be of interest .
saw a good definition too, that sums up I think why I’m confused about medicalisation. Yes, do the research etc. but you are taking a healthy body and making it reliant on a lifetime of drugs.
I was lying earlier, I really don’t want my healthy girl, who has had a tough time, thinking that the solution is to cut off healthy breasts. It really isn’t, the resulting numbness, and yukiness and shock to process is so much more than a fashion statement. I’ve had mine lopped off with cancer and really don’t recommend.
similary testosterone. Apart from the obvious drawbacks you are being conned by people making a lot of money from your naivety. They are getting richer and you are getting more confused and distressed.
This view makes me a transphobe. What a terrible word.