to want a friend. Any advice please?

[SheldonRules]

I’m in my fifties
Socially anxious
Low self esteem
No friends
How can I change my life and find some friends?

Do you work? I find making friends hard and met a lot of my friends at work, I think being together 5 days a week makes it easier for friendships to develop. If making friends at work isn’t an option then maybe look at whether you can volunteer somewhere one day a week (eg: charity shop, pet shelter) as you may make friends there. If you have any hobbies clubs can be a good way to meet people, or something like the WI. Essentially I would try and meet friends somewhere that you go to at least once a week and where the people there with you will be the same, over time you will get to know those people and can make friends.

What do you enjoy doing? Also what’s your situation in terms of time and money available?

Be realistic that making real friends takes a very long time. You need to meet people regularly and meet a decent number of people with similar interests. Do you have capacity to volunteer regularly? Join a women’s group/ church/ rambling club?

I’m 53 and don’t have any friends either. I think its a hard thing to avoid as you get older unless you have a large family network. I’m not an introvert, I just have moved around the world a lot, live in the countryside and now I’m not really interested in having friends, I enjoy my life on my own, with my hobbies and pets and just chatting to the odd person. If I have any advice, its try not to sound as miserable as you do here when you do meet people!

Don’t laugh, but I read ‘The Lady’ magazine and there are always ads in the personals by women our age looking for friendships, mostly in London and Edinburgh though.

Do lots of hobbies/activities and find people you have things in common with. I didn’t meet my best friend until I was in my late forties, but we are as close as sisters now. Good luck

“in my fifties
Socially anxious
Low self esteem”

Does this sound like the kind of person you picture when you think of who you’d like to be friends with? I don’t know you, and I’m only going by my own experience.

I’m really not meaning to sound so harsh, but people all have their own personal problems and don’t want to be embroiled with those of others. Work on figuring out why your self esteem is so poor, and address that. When you can be upbeat, positive, happy, and at peace with yourself you’ll have your pick of friends.

If you want a friend, be a friend. And don’t be a Debbie Downer.

Well, why do you want a friend? Do you only want one? (Because you’ll almost certainly have to explore several acquaintanceships in order for one or two to possibly develop further, and this will take time.) How do you envisage a friendship working — what do you want a friend for ?

And what do you bring to a friendship? All you’ve said about yourself other than your age is a list of negatives — no friends, socially anxious, poor self-esteem. What are your good points? Why are you interesting?

Where do you live op? And what kinds of things do you like.
maybe start with an online chat with someone and see how it goes.

And yes, good advice. Bluntly, OP, if you don’t value yourself, no one else is going to. Focus on building your sense of self-worth as a priority before anything else.

If I’m in a new place and looking around for potential friends, I’m looking for the interesting people. For me that tends to be people who work in academia or the arts, whether they’re artists or musicians or run festivals etc, or in crafts, who love what they do, are strong characters, good talkers, tend to have lived in different countries. Obviously other people will have different ideas of what’s interesting. A shared interest is a good place to start. I met one friend in an art gallery, and two very new ones at a live opera relay from the Met — we’re going to a recital together this weekend with another friend I know already. It may not turn into a friendship, but they’re great fun.

No good points really. Definitely not interesting.

Thanks

I’m on long term sick leave with MH issues but I’d obviously need to keep that quiet 😀

I have plenty of time and money

I’m sure that’s not true (and obviously what I look for in a friend is only what I look for — other people will want entirely different things), but if you genuinely don’t think so, that probably explains why you don’t have any. You need to value yourself first and foremost. Would you want to befriend someone who said they had no good points and weren’t interesting? Have you considered therapy? What do you enjoy doing?

Just because you meet a friend, dosent mean it will last, dosent mean you won't have a fall out, it's not as easy as it sounds.
Takes effort on both sides too and compatibility.

“If you want a friend, be a friend.”

@EveryKneeShallBow beat me to it, but this is the magic formula.

some things that helped me and I know have helped others:

1. Learn to be your own best friend. Download some CBT worksheets on self compassion and self care. Start with these. Learning to genuinly like yourself helps you relax socially and worry less about what people think of you. That self-confidence ends up being attractive.
2. Focus on getting out into the world to do things you want to do for their own sake, not as a means to finding friends. If you genuinely love singing or crafting you are more likely to make friends than if you are half hearted and just hope to meet someone. The important thing is to have a varied and vital life, so that it supports you even if you are going through a lonely patch.
3. Decide to do three new things each week that get you interacting with new people - one that contributes to society (eg helping at a charity shop or food bank, joining a political or ecological campaign), one that keeps you fit - yoga, running club, hiking group, zumba and one that rekindles an old interest or passion you once had, or seeks a new one - maybe a music group, craft or book club, learning a language of a place you've longed to visit etc.
4. Broaden your meaning of the word 'friend'. Don't seek that close friendship straightaway, Enjoy simply being in a crowd - singing in a church congregation or helping out at school functions, with no expectation of more. Enjoy casual acquaintance for its own sake - swap plants and jam with neighbours, wave to someone across the street who you recognise from zumba. Don't try to build anything from it yet, just enjoy that small recognition.
5. Be yourself. Don't be shy of voicing an opinion on something in the news, or telling a funny story about getting something wrong. Don't try to be perfect or people please. Being yourself will drive lots of people away and attract the few who really love you for who you are. Polite people pleasers don't make friends because no one can work out who they are underneath.

Thanks @Lilacdew that is really helpful
I am the polite people pleaser

You are getting some excellent advice here, OP.

Is there perhaps a mental health cafe near you or online? The GP surgery might have a social prescriber on staff who could direct you to one, or to groups where you could be helped to meet someone. There might be a walking group or something, if that appeals to you. That would allow you to meet other people in a supported situation.

I think it's great that you are thinking about trying to make a friend. That is a really good sign that you are valuing yourself and thinking about what you need. The fact that you want company is a sign that you care about others too, which is really good.

You could possibly try to volunteering in some very safe role and that might help you to meet someone. I volunteered for a while handing out hymn books at the door of a church and I made a friendship by photocopying the hymns as double the normal size for an elderly lady to had trouble with reading. She was a lovely lady.

After I knew her for a while I found that her son had had very severe mental health problems and she volunteered supporting parents whose children had the same condition. You would be surprised about how many people are in the same boat as you and will be uplifted and comforted by your company once you find them.

There will definitely be someone out there for you. Good luck!

It's tough trying to make new friends especially if you're struggling with mental health issues. It might help to look online and join mh groups and start off there to gain some confidence and you'll meet people similar and more understanding. You seem to think low of yourself, don't be so harsh on yourself.

Sounds like you'd benefit from some serious counselling or psych input - are you getting anything like that? Being off on long-term sick is very hard and shrinks your world, which is a vicious circle.

Did you have friends in childhood, and during your teens and early twenties or has this been a lifelong thing you've always felt you needed to address?

Do you have family?

Thanks. I do feel ready to make a change in my life.

There are a few friendship meet up groups on face book that you might like for women over 50s. Meeting for coffee in small groups to chat and then plan other things like walks, theatre, meals etc

I'm 55 and have made all my friends through work. Where's do you live OP. Someone might know of clubs in your area.

Good advice.

Once you start gaining more acquaintances (and maybe even loose friends) you'll feel more confident to make new connections.

It's hard when you're starting from scratch and your mental health and motivation is quite low.