to want a friend. Any advice please?

[SheldonRules]

I’m in my fifties
Socially anxious
Low self esteem
No friends
How can I change my life and find some friends?

It seems cruel to inflict myself on the elderly though.

This is a depressing thread. I mean, I think there’s some truth in the “be upbeat, attract people, make friends” theory, but decent people will give you space to find your feet in their presence and become that person too.

I made a lot of new friends post covid despite not being the outgoing, fun (idiotic) person I usually am, largely because I kept showing up at a hobby group, and gradually became a less stressed, less quiet version of myself. I hadn’t realised quite how obvious that was until someone mentioned it (politely / kindly!) this weekend.

You don’t have to perfect to make friends. You just need to find the right people for who you are (or who you want to be).

Have you spoken to the psychiatrist and therapist about developing friendships?

Not much yet as I’ve only just come out of a deep MH crisis so it’s been more about keeping me alive so far.

Thanks, that sounds positive.

One sure fire way of finding friends op is to put an ad in your local Facebook page, such as,

“quiet book-loving (or however you want to describe yourself) fifty-year old woman wishing to expand social circle seeks like-minded companions to walk in Highfield Park (or wherever) every Saturday morning and to go for a coffee afterwards at The Pepper Pot on Fern Drive; drop me a pm if you are interested.”

You only need one or two of you to make a difference.

Or similarly set up a stitch and bitch club, book swap, clothes swap group (but those require premises).

I know it takes courage but the beauty of it is that you are then in control of the “tone” of the group and how often you meet and you have control of the membership list so you can meet up with others as and when you choose after getting to know them more superficially in a group.

I’m an expat military wife who’s moved lots of times and honestly - when I arrive in a new country and don’t know anyone- this never fails!

It could be something as simple as a regular dog walk!

I’m afraid the old adage is true, that you only get out what you put in, but anything worthwhile is worth a bit of effort and commitment.

Good luck op!

OP it’s very common for ASD to be missed in much older adults like us. I wouldn’t discount it just yet. They are still missing it all over the place in young people, especially young girls, so older people don’t even get a look in!

Have a browse of Spectrumy’s page on Facebook and see if any of it feels familiar, maybe?

She’s got nearly quarter of a million followers now and reading her posts has been very insightful for me. She’s lovely and had a really hard time recently though.

https://m.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100044510616450

I hear you. In previous decades I made friends at work but we've effectively been forbidden from doing that where I currently work by new manager (morale is on the floor as you can imagine and lots of people thinking of leaving).

I've also made friends via hobbies previously but these days I'm shattered from the commute by the time I get home. I have a nice partner and two cats but it would be nice to have a friend or two to go to the cinema and for a coffee.

It's really noticeable to me that the OP doesn't blather on about stuff. Most people on MN will blather on forever about the minutiae of their lives.

I wonder if the thing is to work on blathering a bit? that's something that could be practised on MN before doing it in real life.

OP - Maybe you could list all the things you can see from where you are sitting, as a bit of practise at talking rubbish with friends? Or tell us what you can see from your window? (a bird, a cat, maybe a fence or plant, whatever...) I like a bit of cheerful nonsense as much as the next person.

FWIW, I've been through a whole bunch of utter rubbish in my life, and if I go out and tell people about how I've had a terrible time and am nervous at getting into social situations, they almost always have had something even worse happen to them, or still curently actually happening. You wouldn't believe the number of people who are currently living through a mental health crisis or other life crisis, and just faking cheerful on a daily basis. I think OP might find she's very much among similar folk if she makes it out.

It honestly staggers me, the things that people are coping with on a daily basis and still turning out to do whatever they do.

Seriously, really, very seriously, you must sort out this attitude as your first priority. you are currently living 24/7 with a really bitchy critical enemy who puts you down, constantly criticises you and blocks your progress. And there is no need.

Here's a link to a Self Compassion workbook, free of charge, online. Please download it and work through it and come back and let us know how you got on. I know I am being bossy. But seriously, there is zero need for you to be living with a bully when you can overnight start living with your best friend. I don't care how cheesy that sounds. It is actually true.

Consider me a friend who has just given you a present, if that makes you more likely to open it and do it.

It needs to be via interests - things you absolutely adore doing. You’d then both have things to talk about positively. Join clubs.

Consider meet-ups for autistic women, if you’re thinking you might have traits. You wouldn’t need to felt anxious then that your social anxiety would be a barrier.

Absolutely agree with @Lilacdew post about your comment that it seems ‘cruel’ to inflict yourself on the elderly.

When I read that earlier today, I thought @SheldonRules is mind reading the reaction of the hypothetical elderly people she might visit. Yet I can imagine a very elderly disabled person who lives in a care home, who cannot get out and about and is lonely, but is sociable, warm and kind. They might be so pleased to see someone who clearly needs some warmth.

OP, it seems like part of you knows you need friends but is another part convinced that there’s nothing about you that is worth friendship (correct me if I’m wrong, it’s a few hours since I RTFT) And I think you said earlier on that you’d have to keep your mental health problems very quiet? Why?

Perhaps it is too soon after a serious MH crisis to attempt to find friendship but as a stepping stone you could aim to increase social contact, and your mission would be to try out social contact that makes you feel good. ‘Socialising’ can feel very frightening when you’re mentally unwell and this is where a class, or volunteering to do a task, can be good.

Even though your therapists have never brought it up I think you may be nd, op.

You haven’t been able to tell us what you’re interested in outside yourself and your mental health and you’re still using very short one sentence replies to quite complex questions. I suspect you may have trouble making and keeping friends because you think a friend is someone who just spends hours at a time with you mulling over ‘problems’?

This is true of a few women I’ve known over the years, and all but one now has an ASD diagnosis.

I suspect you may have trouble making and keeping friends because you think a friend is someone who just spends hours at a time with you mulling over ‘problems’?

I don’t understand what you mean by this or how you inferred it from my previous posts?

I agree with you @SheldonRules , I am not sure how anyone got this from your posts!

But it does raise a valid questions...what are you hoping for from having friends? Someone to go for a coffee with? A walk with? Weekly? Monthly? Someone to call/message with day to day trivia of life?

Someone to go on holiday with? To talk about deep philosophical questions? To be soul mates with? Or just to chat about the latest films and maybe arrange to meet at the yearly food-festival for a get together and to try the crepes?

Working out what you want from a friendship will help.

And also, I hear you. I have 5 or 6 close, close friends (emotionally). But due to moves they are all a distance away and I only see them 3 or 4 times a year. A job change has me in a place where friendships are not likely to happen due to the set-up.

I don't need close friends, but I had built up pre-covid some funny casual friends through a hobby. We met once a week for a couple of years. A yearly Christmas drink. A wave and short chat in the high street. They hobby stopped in covid and council changes post covid fucked it over. Without the hobby we have drifted apart. Still chat if we bump into each other - but I recently realised I really, really miss the regular social interaction we had. It was vaguely based around the hobby. But oh, so much more. We supported one of the group through a horrific accident, another through a divorce - but not in a deep, best friend way - but in the every week catch ups, the hugs, the laughter, the cursing the world on our friends behalf and the distraction.

So I am reading this thread with interest to see how I can start my own "operation friendship". I have accepted my new job is not going to fill my friendship "gap" - so I will need to go and find the solution somewhere else.

I very much agree.

It was in response to my comment and it made my take a big step back and throw up my hands. It's impossible to help if the help is resisted

In another thread I'm watching feedback being taken onboard and their lives have changed in an amazingly short time.

What would you like to do with your friends?
What are your hobbies/ interests? And what are your limitations?
you’ll get more relevant advice if you post about these. It also depends where you live (city/countryside).
I struggle with friendships and a was told once that it’s often tricky to get a “universal” friend, it’s like looking for a unicorn . So having a lot of friends : one for joint theatre trips, one for running on Saturdays, one for going shopping etc is much more realistic.
This advice really helped me, at least it took pressure off a bit. Before I was aiming for a perfect friend and ended up feeling as a failure for not having one.
I was also advised to think about my limitations and realised that I often had opportunities but couldn’t use them due to personal problems (health and family). So maybe it’s not that I’m so bad with friendships but realistically I can’t manage too many.

Which thread is that?

how can you say "not a soul in the world likes you"? You may not recognise it in yourself, but that's a classic sign of catastrophising, believing the worst possible things about yourself.

The fact you've started a thread and basically want others to wave a magic wand and do all the hard work and thinking for you, doesn't bode well. You need to put in the effort if you want the results.

You may be right about the catastrophising but I’m certainly not expecting anyone to do the hard work and thinking for me.

I was asking for advice and I’ve had a lot of kind and helpful responses, unlike yours which just comes across as unnecessarily spiteful.

FWIW, it takes me a huge amount of effort to get through each day at the moment.

If they operate in your area, Timeleft is brilliant - it’s kind of a social dining club. You go out for dinner once a week with people selected to match with you by age and general characteristics. If you get on with them, you can continue the friendship after the meal. https://timeleft.com/

I’ve asked for this thread to be moved to the MH section.

I moved several times in the last 10 years

I have met new people by;

At work

Volunteering in the local community

Joining hobby groups eg sport, crafts

Local events like summer fairs, car boot sales, auctions etc

Fund raising

Neighbours

Going to local pub, tearoom, social club, gym

Reading local Facebook groups & advertising in local shops, libraries, notice boards

I have found once you start, you are asked to other things

Nobody will come to you

It is up to you to make the effort to get out there !

Try a few new things, if you don't like it more onto something else

Goodluck

Thanks @PrepperPie, that is really helpful advice.