to want a friend. Any advice please?

[SheldonRules]

I’m in my fifties
Socially anxious
Low self esteem
No friends
How can I change my life and find some friends?

Or what interests or hobbies do you have? Even join online forums or boards related to them , you will make friends that way. I knew it's online friends, but it's a start.

It is a bit of a vicious circle. It is hard to feel happy and positive about yourself when not a soul in the world likes you.

Are you getting any help for your mental health situation? It sounds as though you are really feeling quite dark inside.

Do you get out into the sunshine? Getting sunshine can lift mood very dramatically if you can do it.

It depends a bit where you live as the summer can still be quite dark in the north. (I've lived all over and I do struggle without sunshine myself.)

Are you able to manage longer sentences? I worry a bit that you are communicating in very short blunt sentences, as though you are really deeply depressed.

Would you be able to tell us a bit more about yourself, maybe in some longer sentences, just to see if that feels okay for you? That would be good practise for talking to a new friend.

Yes, I see a psychiatrist and a therapist. I’m in a better frame of mind than I was a few weeks ago so I want to start to make some positive changes to my lifestyle. It is hard to change the habits of a lifetime though.

Volunteer regularly at your local parkrun

That's really great that you have proper help like that. That's fantastic news.

I'm really happy to see you communicate in longer sentences. That really is reassuring that you are okay in yourself, so to speak.

Have you tried taking a chair outside if your street is suitable, and just sitting there in the sun? Maybe you would see a few passers by to smile at, and that might help as a very gentle start?

You could just do it for a very few minutes at first, to try it.

Sorry if this is a daft suggestion. It's hard to know where you are at in the journey "out" so to speak.

The thing about you've got to love yourself first etc.. that's fine but to some extent developing your social side is like a muscle.
You're not going to build your self esteem in your home on your own with more potential for ruminating about why your self esteem is low. You have to just get out there and do stuff. As you do stuff you'll start to work out that you do have good points and that you have stuff to offer in a 2 way friendship.

But if you’re a polite people-pleaser, as you say, probably no one in the world actually knows you, as you’re just reflecting polite nothings back at them.

When you start being a more authentic self around other people, some people won’t like you, sure, but some will. But you won’t be nothing-y wallpaper.

But you need to break the cycle of ‘No one likes me so I must be an awful person, therefore no one likes me’ etc. That’s not something anyone else can, or should, do for you. And if they did, it wouldn’t be healthy for you, as your self-esteem would then rest on that person’s liking.

Can you talk to your regular therapist about this?

Join a WI. Not your nearest but one that meets your needs as they are all different and attract different ages and types of women

I can see upthread that some people are saying that being a polite people pleaser turns away potential friends.

I disagree. I'm a polite people pleaser and have friends, and know others who are the same and also have friends!

Other than that you've had some excellent advice, particularly the advice to start going out and experiencing new things eg classes or choirs etc.

What's your previous history like in the friends space, have you had any in the past or struggled since childhood with friend-making?

I’ve struggled to make friends since my teenage years due to a traumatic home life when I was growing up. I’ve hated myself since then so avoided any social contact. My colleagues always disliked me too.

Ok, so there's a lot of work for you to do on yourself to train yourself out of hating yourself. I'm sorry you feel this way OP. Those things you think about yourself are not true.

It sounds like you need help from a therapist (CBT would be good) to break the cycle.

I’d look at volunteering. Scouting or Guiding attracts a wide range of people. Or a walking group there’s a free council run one near me. Easier to make friends with a common interest.

After multiple long distance house moves and older children meaning no school gates friendships, I joined Bumble BFF app. Have made 2 very nice friends.

Slimmingworld can also be social - chatting in group and people meet for walks or coffee. You don’t need to be really overweight to go.

I’m 60 and have recently made new friends through voluntary work and slimming world, in the past I’ve made friends through craft groups, a counselling course, more volunteering and at work
If I didn’t work full time I’d join university of the 3rd age stuff near me, do a sewing class, try watercolour classes and join a book club

@the2andahalfmillion makes a good point about being off sick long term really shrinking your world. I had a severe illness for a few years and one thing I did was just to get out into the world again and make myself do things and join things. I needed friends but didn't make that my focus ans I knew it could get me down if it didn't work out. Just setting goals to try something new, try out a class, sign up to volunteer, go to a talk etc helped me widen my world first and friendships followed naturally.

I find friendship comes in the most unexpected places. A woman I knew vaguely for years turned out to have a couple of similar interests to me which no one else we knew shared. Now we go once a month to a group and meet up for coffee or walks sometimes in between to discuss our other geek interest. I ended up being friends with a teacher at a fitness class and now go for walks with her too. Neither of these are friendships I'd have expected to develop. Whereas people I thought I had a lot in common with just didn't seem interested in becoming friends.

Also, I find it helps to not limit potential friends to people your own age or similar to you. Friendship comes in lots of different forms. One close friend locally is about fifteen years younger than me, with children at a very different stage of life. But we share a sense of humour and have a shared interest and like to walk and chat about our interest. When I was younger, one of my dearest friends was thirty years older than me.

Thanks everyone for some good suggestions. I need to get out into the world and try some things and risk rejection.

I’m on long term sick leave with MH issues but I’d obviously need to keep that quiet 😀

Come on OP, I already think you're amusing! Extra points for possibly being a Big Bang Theory fan too.You just need to get out there and try doing few things you fancy to get to know some new people. Possibly a little white lie is in order about what you said above, so as not to need to get into anything heavy up front. I'd tell people you used to work in (whatever field) but you retired early.

😊

You said you have MH issues. Assuming you live in the UK, it is worth seeing if there is a branch of Mind where you live.
My local one is very active, and I have made several friends there (including meeting my DP).

Do you think you could be on the spectrum OP? Anxiety and mental health and worrying so much what others think can be flags for this.

what do you like to do?

its easier to make friends doing an activity rather than ‘meeting for a chat and a coffee’

Could you find something local and weekly?

Beginners bridge? Beginners yoga? Joining a choir? Joining a walking group? It can take a long time for friendships to build but if you keep going back again and again you’ll slowly get to know people.

There’s also university of the third age for those over 50. This also is a great place to meet people locally for free. See where your local nearest one is.

I have a wonderful self love coach too but she’s expensive. Think in terms of $600 for 4 calls of 1 hour. She is amazing though. Changed my life 😍 pm if you want details. I had her 10 years ago for a year, she was cheaper back then! Really made such a difference.

I do struggle to relate to other people but I have seen a lot of MH professsionals over the years and no one has suggested I could be ND.

Walking group and university of the third age sound like good options for me.

There are many elderly people in aged care homes that nobody visits. You could look for volunteer programs that connect you with such people who would really value you coming to visit. Likewise programs with young children.

People often get joy from volunteering as it takes them out of themselves.

And I think the key to being interesting is engaging with the world and ideas. Join in and also read and watch movies. It will also give you something to talk about.