to want a friend. Any advice please?

[SheldonRules]

I’m in my fifties
Socially anxious
Low self esteem
No friends
How can I change my life and find some friends?

Get a dog.

Best way to meet people, get out if the house and have someone waiting for you at home.

If you like pets, you can volunteer to pet sit when people go on holiday, hospital or are unable to walk or look after their pet

I agree dog walkers will stop for a chat

I don't own any pets, but I have volunteered with animals & I will pet sit for friends

I'm not a spiteful person but I do believe in self-help. I'm pleased you have some advice you can take forward.

Volunteering is a good way of giving one's life a different focus and I've made several very firm friends as we're like-minded folk with a common cause.

Thanks @daisychain01.

Apologies for calling you spiteful, it was spiteful of me. 😊

No apology needed honesty.

I genuinely hope you find even 1 or 2 people to be firm friends with. I don't have many but those I have are very dear to me x

Do you join in social clubs? Choir, walking, art, drama, photography or help with charities or do a course at college. Or try a few of them to keep body and mind busy. Eventually you will find your people or they will find you.

Good advice on this thread!
Much to learn

Xx

Not with the right group of people. I wouldn't judge a new friend in this situation (I've been there myself). I wonder whether feeling you have to keep quiet about who you are and your life experiences that might be holding you back.

I'm not saying that you should go around shouting it from the rooftops, but just that people like to feel connected, and part of that sometimes is being vulnerable with each other. I made a new friend just last year who was off on sick leave at the time for MH reasons.

Our church has a cafe and once a week they run a connect table where people can come on their own and chat to others. No religion needed

Volunteer.
Research has repeatedly shown helping others is the finger best way to improve serotinin /better than any medical intervention.
But it has to be something you enjoy doing and is also better if active and learning too, just start in a small way with things you are interested in eg community gardening project?
Dont expect to make ‘friends’ instantly but gain confidence, chat to people and it will emerge organically.
Also different friends provide different things -I have friends I enjoy activities with but wouldn’t confide in and vice versa.

Op, the first step is to go out to find something/s that even just to keep your mind occupied in a constructive manner. Recovery from MH is also about doing something to make yourself feeling worth while. If you don’t have friends right now then take the advantage of this moment perhaps invest your time and mind into something that you wanted do or learn but didn’t have an opportunity to in the past. I believe another important aspect of finding yourself some kind of regular activity/ies is to help yourself to form a meaningful structure or routine. Gradually you will become a more interesting person. You will attract the people you deserve.

Well, at the risk of repeating myself, start practising self compassion and self care, and then you will have someone around 24/7 who loves you. That's one more than zero - a massive improvement. Finding non-human sources of love, acceptance or affection helps too: God, pets, a friendly cat or dog in the street. It may seem daft but adding up all the small good things is better than ignoring or crushing them.

Then if you start to keep a diary of small acts of kindness towards you, you will realise many people on the planet don't actively dislike you and are often kind to you. I kept a journal like that when I was feeling grouchy - just noting when anyone was kind. In a single month it had things in it ranging from smiles from strangers to being given free chocolate and flowers (on separate occasions) by cashiers at the supermarket. A thank you card from someone I'd done a favour for, a young man offering his seat on a bus, someone holding a door open, promoters handing out free books, cake and coffee samples - small acts of niceness in the world.

But what I also noticed were invitations I had entirely overlooked in the past, not even registering them as potential friendship sources. Might be someone on a local Facebook group offering free plants or veg or jam (say yes, and turn up with a small gift to thank them) or it might be an invitation for everyone who has volunteered at a charity over the year to come to a thank you party (I didn't even notice that invitation for about five years running) or it might be a local group offering a talk or exhibition. It may not be a personal invitation yet but it is still the world reaching out to you in a positive way, and worth focusing on. If you notice and respond to these small acts of kindness in the world, your life-view shifts, and that somehow leads to friendship being a more comfortable and easy thing to find.

Thank you @AppleGarden that is so kind and helpful

Thank you @Lilacdew that is so insightful and kind.
I am starting to really believe that it isn’t productive to be criticising myself 24-7 and to give myself a bit more slack.
I need to take some risks if I am going to change my life but I feel that I am ready for that now.

''@Catnipcupcakes
I’m 53 and don’t have any friends either. I think its a hard thing to avoid as you get older unless you have a large family network. I’m not an introvert, I just have moved around the world a lot, live in the countryside and now I’m not really interested in having friends, I enjoy my life on my own, with my hobbies and pets and just chatting to the odd person. If I have any advice, its try not to sound as miserable as you do here when you do meet people!''

I could have written the same thing!

I moved to a smaller town by the sea two years ago and most of my time is spent in my garden, with my pets and enjoying my hobbies rather than meeting people.

I have two people that I consider friends but they live in different locations so I don't get to see them often in person, although we do stay regularly in touch in other ways.

My only social outing is attending an exercise class (pilates) once a week with a nice group of people. I have a chat with the neighbours across the fence now and then but that is about it.

I enjoy my own company and have built a life where I am content just doing my own thing.

People at work are unfortunately the gossipy/backstabbing types so there is no one there I would like to be close too anyway.

OP, as people have suggested maybe try to think of hobbies/activities you would like and then join groups or look at volunteering. You might meet some interesting people that way.

That’s great to hear @SheldonRules . You are so right that it isn’t productive to criticise yourself constantly. It’s good think of yourself compassionately, as you would wish a friend to do.

You’ve been really brave to post on here and stick with the discussion. Hope things go easier for you now.

My mother always encouraged me to be a friend to other people, however unlikely they seemed as potential friend material.

There is no way to know in advance who is going to turn out to be a friend.

Start by being a friend to yourself.

Good luck.