Just need to talk to someone

[Meandmyjoe]

Hi, I have often used mumsnet as an outlet to rant and ask advice about our baby. He is 8 months old tomorrow and I'm a complete mess.

He is such an unsettled grumpy baby that sometimes I can't do anything other than cry with him. People kept telling me that it would get easier at 3 months, then 6 now 9 months. I'm so tired of waiting for the turning point and the end is never insight.

The truth is that it hasn't got easier. DS still cries at everything, won't go in a buggy, cries in the car, can not sit still. Has to be up in my arms looking around and on the move. People keep telling me this will get easier when he is mobile but the problem ishe won't spend enough time on the floor to actually learn to crawl so I have no idea how he is ever going to develop.

Today I feel so shit. Took ds to the doctors today to see if there really is anything wrong with him. I've tried talking to my health visitor but she just tells me to leave him to cry. I can't do this and I don't see the good it would do.

Anyway, had a huge argument with dh today (probably my fault). We are just so fed up of how shit our life has become. I love ds soooooo much but nothing seems to make him happy for anymore than a few minutes before he's whinging to be on the move again.

I've cried so much today. Had to litterally bite my wrist to stop me from shouting at ds. He doesn't deserve such a shit mum. I really can't make him happy. I have no family other than my sister who understand quite how demanding our baby is. It's heartbreaking when I see other people breezing along with their smiling cooing babies and I'm breaking my back pacing around with ours. He weighs 23lbs now and I'm shattered. DH works 12 hour shifts and I am so so so lonely.

Please talk to me, I really just want to run away. I would never do this as I adore our baby and my dh but things are just not getting easier.

Yes he totally loves baths! He has been fairly ok today although he has been a bit whingey but only when tired. I've still had to feed him his solids stood up with him in my arms as after two minutes in the high chair he's crying. It's still tough but I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel now.

I still have very dark moments where I worry he will be like this forever but I think it just feels this way whilst I'm dealing with it! I'm hoping that as he grows up I will realise it was all worth while and we will have come out the other end. It just seems a long way off sometimes!

I am in Lincolnshire, most people I've spoke to on other boards seem to be in Leeds or London, I'm stuck between the two of them and miles away from either!

Most of my friends as I said just don't understand why my baby is like he is and he is nothing like their children were as babies (although some of them are now horrendous toddlers so I'm hoping I have paid my dues!) Still lonely but hoping as we approach the 9-12 month mark things will improve.

My Ds1 was very sensitive and would cry all the time. The Hv suggested baby massage and he hated it! I think if you have a child like this it definately gets easier as they get older, I know its not much consolation now though.My Ds is still highly strung, it was like he hated being a baby and when he started walking and talking was much happier.

The main thing that helped me was getting a break from him once a week at nursery. I felt incredibly guilty but I really needed that space to see my friends for a coffee or go shopping.

I didn't see many other mums during this period as their babies seemed to be settled whilst just going to the supermarket for me was a nightmare as he was so whingey all the time.

Ask for help so you do get a rest from him. I tried to carry on and do it on my own but I got more depressed. I went to a group for other mums in the same situation and I met one of my best friends there.

Good luck!

Well, still making slow progress. Or maybe I'm just feeling a bit stronger in myself. I am certainly coping better and have actually made the effort to get get out the house today. I put ds in the sling- got on the bus and went shopping in town. It was lovely and ds was an angel and slept most of the time we were out.

While in town I bumped into a friend who I haven't seen her for a whille. Her ds is 3 weeks younger than mine and she was knackered as he still gets up twice a night. I realised how very, very lucky I am that ds sleeps so well. At least I am not completely shattered. I am starting to look on the positive side of things!

Bitsnbobs- thank you for your post. Where did you find out about the group for other mums like you? Was it a special group for difficult babies? Most of the groups I have been to are filled with cooing, smiling bundles of joy where me and ds seem to disrupt everything and get in the way!

I tried Cranial Osteopathy too, didn't do much to help although the osteopath was lovely and he also said his son was very difficult as a baby but was fine once he got crawling. I am keeping fingers crossed but I am coping.

Like someone else said on here - no advice only sympathy. I really feel for you. I have two DCs now 4 and 5 and when they were babies it was the worst 2 years of my life. I gave up full time work to be at home with them and they cried all the time. I became so depressed by it all. One day I 'came round' and I was laid screaming on the floor in the hall and I had smashedtoys and plates. I think I snapped and cant remember what happened. Thankfully I think i took it out on the plates not the kids!. At that point I realised I needed ADs which I took for a year and they enabled me to get up of the floor.

Kids are now recptin and nursery age and I am going back to full time work. DD(4) is as bored as I am in the house and would be better of at nursery. I cant wait to get out of the house - it does get easier but certainly not for the first coupld of years!! Sending hugs.

DS2 was a baby like this. He's now 8 and is wonderful, but I used to feel so fed up and exhausted a lot of the time as he was so unsettled. He also developed a lovely high-pitched scream, just to add the final touch. I remember standing rocking him when he was 8 months, throughout an entire birthday party to which DS1 had been invited. It is HARD. Any chance you can to do something nice for yourself, do it. Accept ANY help with the housework and chores and have very low standards until things get easier with your baby. Crying outdoors is somehow better than crying indoors so now the weather is picking up be out with him and start conversations with anyone - i.m.e. people will always talk to you if you've got a baby in tow. He sounds like he needs a lot of stimulation, so I'm sure he'll be happier outside than in.

I feel for you x

Wow again, such lovely supportive messages. Thank you all so much for sharing your stories and taking the time to actually read this and reply. I can't thank you enough. It's very reassuring that so many of you have experienced babies like this and thy have all turned into health, happy children. I think that was my bigest fear, that it would always be this way. I seriously imagined ds coming home from school age 15 and expecting me to stand and walk around with him in my arms! I know this seems ridiculous but these are the kind of crazy things I start to worry about after a week of being on my own with an unhappy baby. To know that this nightmare will end and that the horrendous journey we have been on will hopefully have a happy outcome. I feel so sorry for dh who feels so bad fo me being stuck in the house and he is missing so much of ds as he is in bed ny the time dh gets home. He actually cried not so long ago because he desperately wants to see more of him which makes me feel awful for complaining. Anyway, things here are going fairly OK. DS getting whingey as he is tired and ready for bed but it's far too early for me to get him ready for bed. Poor little boy just keeps rubbing his eyes and whimpering.

Lol meandmyjoe -I've got a 15YO and he's bigger than me! Hopefully he could carry me about!?
for your dh that he doesn't get enough time with ds, and that you have (almost) too much time with him! Something's out of balance....

hi there, just wanted to add a few things that really helped my similar dd at that age-

baby signing- i grinned and bared it while my dd winged and wined through the first few classes then something seemed to click and she actually started to enjoy it.. my dh really got into signing with her at home which massively improved their relationship and did really help us understand her better..

a treasure basket at home- have you tried making him one? you basically fill a shallow basket with safe household objects of interesting shapes and textures( searching the net for info on treasure baskets for babies will give you loads of ideas)and sit him in front of it, its amazing how this may hold their attention for and best for a baby thats sitting but not crawling and may enable you to actually put him down for a bit, i found it really helped..

sorry if all this has been said already but hang on in there you are coping amazingly with an incredibly difficult scenario but i truley believe he will come through this and then you will have one delightly and seriously sparky toddler on yor hands before you know it!

Spooky, I too have been crying all day (well most of the last 5 months) with very similar 10 mo ds. I could have cheerfully slapped a smug mum in town today telling me how bloody wonderful her dd was, I have been up since 3am. I too feel dreadful that I seem to be the only one not coping, I had to leave a friend today to take ds home as I just could not cope with him whining and her daughter sitting beautifully and feeling like i am constantly being judged.I am not the mother or wife I hoped to be and I could not be more dissappointed in myself.
Its so hard as I am too exhausted to go out with him yet I have to or I would go nuts being indoors.
I am trying hard to remember that being such a determined and headstrong character is a very good trait have. I would rather him grow into a confident and enthustastic man than someone who will be walked over.

Please get in touch as you are not alone and neither am I it seems!

Ozziesmom where are you?

Essex tho in the process of moving to York

sorry nowhere near but bet there are others who are that you could get together with always find other mums comfort even if your child is being demon makes other mums aware I found everyone elses baby so much better behaved than mine now dd1's made new friend her little bro is 10 months older than my ds2 but they are like twins great to know another mum has child like mine and we can sound off to each other without feeling guilty

Ozziesmum, sorry for the delay in me posting. I have been ever so busy with my grumpy, whingey ds!

I really feel for you and I'm so glad you posted on this thread. I really hope you are right about growinbg into a confident enthusiastic man. It just seems like that is impossible at the minute though. He really does get upset ove nothing. I am learning to not get as upset by it.

It's bloody awful when other people's babies are so different and I do still feel like a crap mum when I'm pacing around with ds crying and everyone elses babies are happily babbling and smiling!

I live in North Lincolnshire, not far from Doncaster. Not too far from York really! We drove to York to go shopping at Christmas. You lucky thing moving to York, it's gorgeous, one of my favourite UK cities!

I am learning to cope but I am still hoping he will improve when he crawls. The problem is he is soooo big and very tall, I'm worrying this will hold him back. Is your ds crawling yet?

Please keep posting anyway, it is always nice to hear from others in the same situation although I feel desperately sorry that things haven't improved for you. I keep hoing that things will improve in the next few months but I can't see it happening!

You are not a crap Mum! Anyone would find it difficult with a baby who cries so much, I know I did! My Ds2 was a very calm baby and I was a lot more chilled out second time round.

Things will get better. If I could go back in time to when my Ds was that young I would have been easier on myself and you should to.

I found that ds1 would only stop crying when he was being walked in his buggy so I did this all the time (I have never been so fit in my life!). I think its a case of getting through this stage until he is a bit older and making sure you get time on your own to regroup because you need it.

Hope things improve for you soon x

www.buggyfit.co.uk may be an idea for you never heard of it when mine cried all day but think would have been brilliant I know you said he hates pushchair but maybe would settle after bit of fresh air if not other mums may have ideas to help sure all babies cry so even if your child was only one crying that day bet if you went back again would be someone elses babies turn

God, I just re-read this thread from the very begining. What a miserable cow I am! But how lucky I am to have received the support and the kindness from you all! What lovely responses. Have read the posts today with a much clearer mind and you are all very lovely to have been so nice to me.

Just to update you, the Gaviscon seems to have done nothing for his mood but actually he is steadily improving anyway. We still have bad days where it seems that nothing makes him happy. But overall, he does seem to be able to be entertained in other ways other than carrying him (although this is still his favourite passtime!!) He actually ate all 3 meals in his highchair today without crying. We actually managed to drive all the way to and from Tesco without him crying in the car

He has also spent about an hour on the floor trying to crawl! He is really pushing up now and is getting so so so close, which does seem to be frustrating him when he can't do it. The bottom line is that he will get there. WE will get there! He is still a whinge bag for a lot of the day but we are edging ever closer to him being mobile which I hope will cheer him up a considerably.

I am taking your advice and getting out and about a bit more. I managed to get ds to go in his pushchair for the full 10 minute walk round to my dad's house yesterday and the full 10 minutes back, during which, he actually fell asleep!

Thank you again for all your kindness and suggestions. You have all helped me more than you will ever know and I am so very grateful.

I havenT read the whole thread, but I just have to say that 8-9 months is the absolute <span class="italic">worst</span> stage in a babys development. I hated hated hated it. That was my lowest point, mentally. Honestly, it will change soon. Mine was like yours, but the old wive`s tale is that sensitive (grumpy) babies are usually incredibly bright and are miserable because they are frustrated. I tend to believe so.

I hope so, lovely thought which I will hang on to! Thank you!

Hello MAMJ, just read your thread this morning. Sounds as though you're dealing with things fantastically well. How are you feeling today? My dd was so similar to your ds. At around 10-11 months I eventually became depressed as she had severe colic, she'd screamed every time I fed her until six months or so, then was incredible whingey and would have full on screaming melt downs several times a day till 9 or 10 months. Whether it's a digestive thing or a brainy baby who's p*sed off with not being a grown up yet or a combo - whatever, it's still tough. I remember looking at her wrinkled up screaming face, thinking that she was so beautiful but that I had no idea how to make her happy. That was the worst feeling - I thought I was rubbish because she was so unhappy and I couldn't help her. It wasn't true - I was doing everything I could, AS ARE YOU. I'm totally with you on feeling like my baby was the odd one out. I avoided contact with any other mums because of the crying but in a way that was the worst thing I could have done. On bad days I used to find that even a 5 minute chat with someone on the phone used to help. The Crysis helpline is great too - 08451 228 669.You sound in great shape at the moment and as though your ds is really finding things easier too but if things get tough again then they are fantastic - will chat to you for as long as you like (9am-10pm). Hope this helps, if a bit late.

Thank you minimitch. Lovely to know I'm not the only one who has felt this. It is still hard, very very hard but I really am hopeful that there has to be an improvement at some point. DS was so wanted and is so loved that things will have to get better!

Is your dd OK now? It would be nice to hear another success story!

x

She's 2 yrs, 4 months and v happy. DH and I were lying in bed the other night talking about the 'dark times' - (dd was a winter baby, it always seemed to be night time, full of screams) and remembering that we thought it would never end and that we had a permanently unhappy child. Not true! She still gets frustrated with the world 'Arrgh! Mummy my shoes! I can't do it!' but I think that's just her nature. When she was tiny I reckon she was thinking 'the world is sh*t! I can't do it!'. IT WILL PASS!!!

Yikes, looks like I'm a mm addict, but just nipped up to get printer paper MAMJ, honest!

Lol, didn't think you were an addict at all! Just so great to hear how she is happy now. DS seems very whingey today, he has warbled and whimpered pretty much all morning but I think his next tooth is coming. I have faith that he will be happy one day (and then we will be too!)
x

Sorry your ds seems whingey today. It really will get better but whilst it's still tough it can be hard to see the weekly/monthly improvement and what he'll be like when he's 18 mos, 2... Have been out all day so not checked mn. Hope you're OK this eve. Put your feet up, watch the Apprentice (or America's Next Top Model, or Pride and Prejudice DVD, Heat magazine, whatever chills you out), glass of wine, chocky, pickled onion monster munch - treat yourself and tell yourself you're doing brilliantly. You are, but I bet any amount of Alan Sugar's salary you don't ever congratulate yourself.

Had a really good day with ds yesterday. He seems much more engaged in things I am saying to him and is actually playing simple games with me now. Before he would just sit and whinge if I tried to do anything other than carry him around.

Before he would sit and play with a toy for 10 minutes then cry to be picked up and wouldn't be put down again for maybe an hour or so which was knackering as I had to keep walking with him.

Yesterday he was quite happy playing peekaboo and laughed and laughed at my horrendous redition of 'The Wheels on The Bus'. Also he managed to go in a pushchair for about half an hour in town when I was out in town with a friend, which was shocking to me!

I am really hoping that things continue to improve. So far so good, ds is sat at my feet playing with an empty plastic bottle and has been quite happy doing so for the last 20 minutes!