Just need to talk to someone

[Meandmyjoe]

Hi, I have often used mumsnet as an outlet to rant and ask advice about our baby. He is 8 months old tomorrow and I'm a complete mess.

He is such an unsettled grumpy baby that sometimes I can't do anything other than cry with him. People kept telling me that it would get easier at 3 months, then 6 now 9 months. I'm so tired of waiting for the turning point and the end is never insight.

The truth is that it hasn't got easier. DS still cries at everything, won't go in a buggy, cries in the car, can not sit still. Has to be up in my arms looking around and on the move. People keep telling me this will get easier when he is mobile but the problem ishe won't spend enough time on the floor to actually learn to crawl so I have no idea how he is ever going to develop.

Today I feel so shit. Took ds to the doctors today to see if there really is anything wrong with him. I've tried talking to my health visitor but she just tells me to leave him to cry. I can't do this and I don't see the good it would do.

Anyway, had a huge argument with dh today (probably my fault). We are just so fed up of how shit our life has become. I love ds soooooo much but nothing seems to make him happy for anymore than a few minutes before he's whinging to be on the move again.

I've cried so much today. Had to litterally bite my wrist to stop me from shouting at ds. He doesn't deserve such a shit mum. I really can't make him happy. I have no family other than my sister who understand quite how demanding our baby is. It's heartbreaking when I see other people breezing along with their smiling cooing babies and I'm breaking my back pacing around with ours. He weighs 23lbs now and I'm shattered. DH works 12 hour shifts and I am so so so lonely.

Please talk to me, I really just want to run away. I would never do this as I adore our baby and my dh but things are just not getting easier.

Thankfully he sleep for 11 hours at night so I do feel guilty for complaining. It's just I feel so empty and even when ds is in bed right now. DH is at work so yet again I'm on my own. I just really need to believe that things will get easier. I can't stand to think that my life is going to be shit forever. I'm only 23 and I feel like I could die tomorrow and not even care.

oh no. Things will get easier but the place you're in, it's not so easy to see that is it?

I'm pretty crap at this and probably shouldn't give advice but I promise you, keeping yourself inside all day and not going out and seeing people will make you so miserable.

Have you looked at what your local area offers (in terms of stuff to do with the baby - I always found the less structured ones easier with my crying ones - they tend to be noisier and friendlier)? Have you got any friends near by?

I have got friends but since ds was born, the ones without kids don't want to hang around with me and a screaming baby (understandable!) The ones with kids, really have no idea what I'm going through as their babies have been so different to mine. They just think ds is awful or I'm exaggerating. I'm not, things are really bad. He won't even eat in his high chair without crying. Nothing makes him happy other than being carried.

is he like that when you're not around too (with dh for example)?

yes, he is unfortunately. he is very hard whoever he is with!

Oh love. You really really have to get out. Screw other people and what they think of your baby. Get out to a church hall full of plastic toys and other mums and have a change of scene. I have very nice-natured kids (so far) and there are days when I'm on the verge of tears ALL DAY. That's motherhood for you. If I stayed at home I'd be sobbing a lot of the time. Getting out, out, out is the only answer.

Take your LO to the swings. If he likes being held, he'll love the swings. And it's always a good place to strike up conversation with other people and find out what else is going on in your area.

Motherhood is a total headfuck under any circumstances. If you're trying to deal with it without support - and I mean lots of it - you can be in trouble. Talk to the GP about how you're feeling. PND isn't always immediately post natal and you may be able to medicate your way into a better place, mentally-speaking, in the short time.

Also, get hold of a copy of this amazing book. Borrow it if you can, it's expensive and really only good for first year of baby's life. But it's excellent on the emotional side of having kids and always made me feel better when I had bad days with DS1.

it does sound blardy draining!

your friends with kids - though their babies were different, are you letting them see that you could do with a helping hand? Could you invite them round for lunch so they can see what's going on?

One of them could carry him for a bit while you had a chat?

You poor thing.

It helped me to make some plans. Get yourself into a routine whihc involves going out quite a bit. You need to get out once a day, even if it is for a walk around the block in the buggy. You cant carry your DS all day - it is knackering. When he starts to crawl/walk and gets some independence things will improve but in the meantime try and find a mother and toddler group, or library baby rhyme time, or even go out to the park and let him watch the kids play. As you go out to these places you may meet some people you can talk to.

Check the MN meet-ups section or mn local to see ikf anyone is near you.

Does your DH feel as bad as you? Do you think you may be depressed?

No i'm afraid i don't let them see what it's like. I tend to let them believe everything's fine. I'm afraid i'll breakdown if people knew the truth.

I think I may be depressed. Not pnd but just depressed as ds is depressed too.

oh sweetheart.

are they friends you care about and they care about you? you know, you need to ask them round and have a bit of a chat/weep. Then they can help you make some plans to get out and about and try and enjoy life a bit more? Just one step at a time.

I understand how overwhelming it can feel admitting that you're not quite right - but you will feel that burden lift off your shoulders when you share your concerns. They may be able to offer some insight into ds too.

i think you need to stop bearing the full weight of this unsupported. you poor thing -NO-ONE could cope with this alone.

Some things you might want to consider!
Getting to the GP and explaining how desperately you are feeling and see if they think anti-depressants would help
Have a big 'conference' with DH and any members of your family where you tell them how this is too much for you and ask for (and accept!) all the help that you can get/is offered
Even if no family can have him for a day a week, work out if you can afford a childminder or nursery to just give you a break from this.

I think you need to get more help and look after yourself a bit. I am NOT saying that you have 'created' a grumpy baby; but having a mum who is at the end of her tether and desperate, will not be helping your DS to learn happier behaviour; it's a cycle and you need to allow yourself a break to feel better

And stop putting up the front that all is well and just bearing it alone; no-one will think badly of you for needing some help! We ALL would, in this situation.

oh darling - it really is so hard isn't it and I know it's a clche but nothing can prepare you can it? My ds is 3 and I still have very low moments. I think it goes with the territory of being a mum

Please keep talking to us - it really can help to have a rant on here and get some support from people who understand what this can be like

Love to you and hope that you have a calm night

You need to pick one of your friends who you think you might be able to talk to about this. If you think you cant talk to her could you write it down/email to open up the conversation, and then have a bit of a cry/chat in person. It really would help to talk about how you feel.

Please also try and get out of the house every day. Does DS have any kind of routine? Or do you find yourself aimlessly just trying to get through the day as best you can?

Shame you are too far from me.

There must be a MNetter near you????

My son was a lovely easy baby and is a hard 7 year old so no clue as what they are like as a baby!!

Try and get a break and tomorrow is another day.

Take care.

I swore I'd never have any more children, but broodiness set in around DS's 2nd birthday. Very strange...

It sounds to me like you are putting yourself under huge pressure by pretending to cope. Why not just get it out in the open? It might turn out to be a huge weight of your mind. Tell your GP. Tell your HV. Tell your parents, your siblings, your best mate. Don't feel you have to pretend you are coping fine with it all. New parenthood is bloody hard work. Honestly, this is all perfectly normal - the screaming baby, the feeling like you are going up the wall - I bet hundreds, nay, thousands of women are going through the same thing right this very minute. Hugs to you.

Has silent reflux been ruled out, my dd was the same although she slept okish at night she didn't sleep during the day and was miserable all the time, she was a huge porker too. They aren't sick with silent reflux they just cry because they are in pain from the acid coming back up their throat.

It was a truly miserable time in my life.

Me and my joe, babies do not cry for no reason. Get hime to a crianial osteopth asap. I had a lo like this, and left it untill he was 2 1/2. I've always said there was life before the osteopath and life after. After being a million times better.

I was in tears when I made the appointment, by the way.

Here's my tip: when you feel like the WORST mother alive, watch some NSPCC adverts. You know the type, "Michael doesn't cry anymore because he's learned nobody will ever come", with B&W visuals of haunted-looking kids going through the bin to find dinner, etc. See? Loads worse mums than you around! I find it cheers me right up.

Do they cry constantly with reflux or just whinge? He does arch his back a lot especially when trying to feed solids.

fully know what you on about my ds2 is just over year older than yours, my dd1 was lovely contented baby always smiling etc etc ds2 was like your ds for 16 mths but night as well as day everyone felt I was exaggeratin until I was at dd1's school one day exhausted and other mums realised strain I was under I took ds2 to doctors many times and was fobbed off too after 4mths wondered if it could be milk intolerance as my dd1 had one at that age gp agreed to give me new milk it worked for two days then stopped gave up with gp's etc as they made me feel stupid etc saw dietitian in January of this year changed milk to another milk free one with different sugars within 2 hours my ds2 was laughing, prior to this he only seemed to laugh if I could not cope and he saw me cry, I could kiss my dietitian for helping four months on those times are not forgotten but so much easier to think about also found baby walker good as kept him upright when he wanted to and could not walk which gave odd minutes of respite prior to this. Believe in yourself you know your baby best.

mine cried constantly but they didn't sleep either (with reflux). Sleep made them much worse (which is why I was asking about his sleep) - lying flat was awful for them. They needed to be tipped up or held up.

As I said earlier, it really is worth getting a second (medical) opinion, even if it rules it out, you then know where you stand.

Arching is a classic sign of reflux@meandmyjoe

However, have to (ever so politely) disagree about babies not crying for no reason. Some babies are massive whinge bags and only truly happy when breastfeeding or cuddled up in their mum's arms.

I just always thought he's scream more rather than whinge. Also he sleeps so well at night, though not during the day that my gp ruled reflux out really. I really don't know what else to do. Could be milk intolerance but he is thriving and again hos sleeping at night is fine which I would have thought it wouldn't be if he were in genuine pain. It's so hard to know what to do.

My baby is obviously a massive whinge bag MrsMattie! I really have wracked my brain trying to think of another explanation for his behaviour but as far as I can tell. There isn't one. He is just a whinger. I am becomming one too by the sounds of it. I'm just so tired of praying for things to change and trying to make him happy. Every little thing makes him cry. I'm housebound with him and I feel so shit today.