Just need to talk to someone

[Meandmyjoe]

Hi, I have often used mumsnet as an outlet to rant and ask advice about our baby. He is 8 months old tomorrow and I'm a complete mess.

He is such an unsettled grumpy baby that sometimes I can't do anything other than cry with him. People kept telling me that it would get easier at 3 months, then 6 now 9 months. I'm so tired of waiting for the turning point and the end is never insight.

The truth is that it hasn't got easier. DS still cries at everything, won't go in a buggy, cries in the car, can not sit still. Has to be up in my arms looking around and on the move. People keep telling me this will get easier when he is mobile but the problem ishe won't spend enough time on the floor to actually learn to crawl so I have no idea how he is ever going to develop.

Today I feel so shit. Took ds to the doctors today to see if there really is anything wrong with him. I've tried talking to my health visitor but she just tells me to leave him to cry. I can't do this and I don't see the good it would do.

Anyway, had a huge argument with dh today (probably my fault). We are just so fed up of how shit our life has become. I love ds soooooo much but nothing seems to make him happy for anymore than a few minutes before he's whinging to be on the move again.

I've cried so much today. Had to litterally bite my wrist to stop me from shouting at ds. He doesn't deserve such a shit mum. I really can't make him happy. I have no family other than my sister who understand quite how demanding our baby is. It's heartbreaking when I see other people breezing along with their smiling cooing babies and I'm breaking my back pacing around with ours. He weighs 23lbs now and I'm shattered. DH works 12 hour shifts and I am so so so lonely.

Please talk to me, I really just want to run away. I would never do this as I adore our baby and my dh but things are just not getting easier.

but like I said because dd didn't sleep during the day she was okay at nights!!!!! 3 days on infant gaviscon and it was like having a different child! Infant gaviscon will not harm them if they don't have reflux either.

She is now actually the cheeriest and funniest of my 4 dc btw.

I think I may just have to tell people what it's really like. My health visitor knows he is very demanding, but offers little advice or help. My GP was lovely this morning and really examined him well. She was really lovely to me too but I didn't really want to bore her with how bad things are so basically just explained ds' behaviour and asked what she thought. My sister is brilliant and knows exactly what the situation is. I sob to her at least once a month! Sadly, she works full time so can't help too often but it's great to know I have someone on my side. DH knows how sad I am but again just says that this will pass and everything will be fine. He finds it hard too and it's awful thinking that our ds is so sad.

I really feel uncomfortable telling the rest of my family as I feel they will judge me. It's complicated! My mum would have understood as apparently my sister was a VERY grumpy baby but my mum died when I was 9 and I think that is getting on top of me too. i really hate the fact that the one person who I really need to help me isn't around.

I guess he is your first because believe you me with your second you just let them get on with it...I must admit I was terrified of my first baby crying and I would do anything to stop it (if I could) and roamed the streets quite often with a crying baby - no one else notices but they do notice your strained, preoccupied expression. I would leave friends houses rather abruptly because my baby would start crying, reach fever pitch fairly quickly and I would be so upset (physically and emotionally) that I would have to get them home quickly. Friends would actually say, "dont go its okay its really not bothering us" but at the time you just want to disappear into a hole so I can completely understand. Also, I would hate leaving my DS to cry it out and after a rather eventful night my DH had to pin me down to stop me going in to our DSs room for the 100th time. Hindsight is a great thing but I would leave mine now a little bit to cry - it is not cruel or damaging and sometimes they want to have a bit of a cry anyway...I think I was 100 % more relaxed with my second and she as a result is much more chilled (she's 7.5 months)...so take some time out for you - you deserve it !!! and you will feel better able to do the do if you do! All the best

My DD is very clingy and often moans if I am not carrying her. I use food a lot to placate her and tv, and going out.

Yes he is my first. Is it that obvious!!? I feel exactly how marymum said. When he cries in public, I just have to get out of there. I can't stand it when he cries in front of my friends. it's like somehow admitting that he's not happy and I have failed. I too just want to crawl into a hole away from everyone.

I honestly think you are tired and maybe depressed. What is your health visitor like? Could you ask her to come over and talk to her?

Get your baby to a cranial osteopath.

I think I may be depressed. I think spending so long around such a fractious baby would depress most people though- especially when he is the only person I see a lot of the time. He is just so unhappy, it kind of rubs off on me. We have tried everything to make him happy. DH was so tired today and he's had to work tonight. We just can't do anything right for him. DH isn't upset about it though, he seems to think everything will be OK. I really hope he's right. I guess it's different for him though. He goes to work, he sees other people. His life goes on. I'm stuck with my beautiful but miserable baby and nothing to do, no one to talk to. Sometimes it just gets too much. I wish I could start to have fun with him. He cries even when I'm playing with him. Just wants to be up walking around all the time. I end up just talking to him in my arms and giving a running commentary of what I'm thinking or doing. Why the hell he enjoys that more than playing or being in the pushchair is a mystery!

Yes, yes!@marymungomidge - so true! I know I will never again be as stressed out as I was with my first. Hideous. I just hated him crying and couldn't let him cry for a second without jumping up, trying to make it better, getting all flustered. Argh, the memories are making me feel ill!

That's so sad about your mum@Menandmyjoe. But you know, isolating yourself is going to make it even worse. I'm not saying you should lead some sort of action-packed social life, but finding a friend or two who you can confide in and just chill around, maybe even pass your baby over to, or at least someone who won't make you feel too stressed about the crying (will sympathise, let you moan, make you laugh...) - I really think it might help.

Are there any groups for mums with PND in your area? I know you say you haven't got PND, but at least the mums at those sorts of groups are acknowledging that they are struggling, probably quite fearful of meeting people and not getting out much etc. A group like that - where people are tired, a bit fragile, admitting they aren't perfect - might not be as daunting as a baby group full of smiley, shiny mums with angel babies?

The Gaviscon and cranial osteopathy are of course worth a shot.

I have been to cranial osteopath. Had two sessions. No difference.

I think everyone feels like that to a greater or lesser extent with their first... thats why we first born (ahem) are rather less relaxed than our siblings ! But seriously, a baby cries for many reasons and its not necessarily down to being unhappy ! A very wise old owl once told me (noticing me pussy footing about with the first) that it was not my 'job' to stop my baby crying ! So, perhaps if you 'let' him cry a bit more he'll suddenly think "oh, well that's a bit boring, I'm not getting any reaction here" and move on (to screaming probably) !!! Come on, we all get down days, and we are none the less for it,; it's really good that you care so much to be concerned about it but I bet he doesn't cry half as much as you think (none of my friends thought my first cried a lot!!!!). Well, they could have been protecting my feelings but they are not ike that !!! (I hope) Try sitting your baby on the biggest playmat you can find with all kinds of distractions, or a door hung baby bouncer (you need lots of 'equipment' i think) to see if it helps ! Good luck

Well at least I don't think I have pnd. I am certainly depressed at the minute but I know I'm not when ds is happy. It's like he is making me this way, which is awful to admit. I think I just need some company and more people to help. It's miserable being so alone. I will look into groups for mums with pnd. Shame there aren't groups specifically for people with grumpy difficult babies!

Is he in a routine?

My DS2 (8 wks) is whingey like this. My DS1 was on the Gina Ford routine and was VERY contented, this one isn't on any routine at all (except bath/bedtime) and is much much fussier. I'm starting to wonder if the routine is making a big difference.

p.s. I'm not challenging what you say - you know yourself best - but I spent a good few months telling myself I wasn't depressed. The truth is, I was. With me, though, it wasn't 'an illness'. It wasn't some sort of hormone induced postnatal thing. It was a bit of a breakdown (almost) borne out of severe sleep deprivation, isolation, the shock of motherhood and the bloody relentless, monotonous, draining madness of it all! For Jesus sake, one month you are loafing around in your PJs going all gooey eyed at the cute babygrows your unborn baby will be wearing....the next you are rock-pat-rock-shhhhh-please-be-quite-and-go-to-sleeping this little creature 24 hrs a day. it's brutal, I tell you. And it took me a lot longer than 8 months to adjust to it, I can tell you!

Have you thought about getting a baby sling? That way you could caryy him about but would have your hands free to get on with stuff.

Also, have a look at what is on in your area and try and come up with a timetable for the week. Ie, Monday - toddler group, tuesday shopping, wednesday park etc. Just having a plan will empower you. And please believe me that gtetting out of the house can make SUCH a difference.

My sister spent the day with me and ds on Tuesday and even she did agree about how grumpy and generally whingey he is. He seriously is only content for 5 minutes maximum. Honestly. If I go five minutes without hearing him cry it's only because he is in my arms and I'm walking with him. He is terribly difficult.

Also, I find that when I have PMT that DD is much more fractious. I'm NOT saying that your DS is grumpy because you are but babies can pick up on our feelings. Hopefully some good sunny weather will mean you can gte out a bit more.

I just want to thank every single person for replying to this thread. I know I've probably depressed you all but I am no longer sobbing so thank you. I miss talking to adults! I shall jeep you updated and try and get giviscon infant from gp just on the off chance. Still feel very rocky at the minute and have got such a headache from crying so much. At least I am not in tears as I write!

If you have completely ruled out the fact that he is in physical pain...What would happen if you just let him cry for a bit? Maybe you could try a little experiment. Set him up with loads of stuff to look at / touch/ explore on the playmat and if he cries, leave him to it for 1 minute. Extend to 90 secs the next day and 2 minutes the next day...maybe up to 3 mins max? See if he eventually gets used to the fact you aren't going to pick him up every second of the day. Maybe worth a shot? At least if it doesn't work, you know you aren't exactly committing an act of child cruelty by letting him cry for a couple of minutes. I also agree about sticking him the buggy with some buggy toys and snacks and going for a nice long walk somewhere quiet. Let him scream his head off. No harm will come to him, honestly. And the freshj air will do you good. The sling is a fab idea but I found DS was too heavy for me to carry this way by 8 mths.

I have to say I agree with Beautiful... I was well into 'attachment' parenting with my first (who cried alot) but got the bloody Gina Ford out for the second who is more contented (I tailored the routines quite a bit) but it (I believe) is about routine too, (rather than baby led - where I was frankly feeding every half an hour!!Oh my God the memories....) for what its worth. Anyway, good luck !

Is he getting over tired during the day? You'll know if he is,becasue he'll be fine just after he's woken up (as long as he's not hungry)

You haven't said what you do during the week? Do you ever go out (not to Sainsbury's) to places where there are other things for your baby to look at than just your 4 walls? Are you sure you both don't have "cabin fever" (i.e. the climbing up the walls with boredom that affects babies of his age)?

Do you walk the streets with him twice a day - the fresh air gives a different tone to the wailing!

He is the same regardless of where I go and what I do with him. Hence the reason for staying at home. I may aswell stay at home and feel like shit in private. At least then other people don't have to put up with a whinging, screamy baby. He wont go in a carseat or pushchair without crying. Isn't that keen on the sling. just wants to be in my arms and walking around.

It doesn't matter anymore. There's nothing I can do. This is just the way it is and I have to get on with it.

how about looking at website or phoning up these people:-

www.cry-sis.org.uk/

it's a charity specifically set up to help people who have particularly demanding/crying baby. the people on the helpline will have been in a very similar position to you.

I am sorry you are having such a tough tough time. For your sanity you need to get out by yourself WITHOUT your baby to reduce the pressure on you.

i am so sorry it is so hard for you atm

dd1 was a similarly clingy/crying baby. She wanted to be carried 24/7-aside from the fact an 8 mo is heavy, she was a second child and this was impossible.

This stage is just awful but honestly, it ends. It ended for her about 6-7 months because that is when she started crawling. It was like magic! one she was off she was SO much better. So it does end.

In the interim-I know you have a sling, but is it the sort you can carry him in for long periods of time?

the [http://www.ergobabycarrier.com/ ergo]] is great, as you can carry even quite a heavy baby on your front, or at the side.

you can hire one to try out from here