ED Bulimia - I just can't stop it! Aged 58..... What can I do to help myself?

[sunnysss]

I have had Bulimia since I was about 22, on and off. Off during pregnancy and a few years after, but since lockdown it has reared its ugly head. I keep trying to stop but just can't stop at a sensible amount of food, I just keep going until I can hardly move sometimes. I take HRT since 50 and sertraline for anxiety.
Any advice welcome. I haven't told any doctor - not since my 20s.

What happened when you were 22?

Hey, not sure if there is a private message option, but if there is feel free to contact me. I'm also a long term sufferer.

A step father died, but I wasn't close to him. I saw some one about ten years after and they prescribed Prozac, but I didnt really get on thigh the therapist or the Prozac, so stopped both!
Very happy to private message but i dont know how to?

If you click on the 3 dots to the right of the username you'll see the option to PM. For @sunnysss and @willsandnoodle

A step father died, but I wasn't close to him. So there was nothing else that could have triggered it? You weren't unhappy with your body at that time?

I had it from 14 to 46
I only managed to stop because I had blood coming out of my nose .
It got to the point I could just bend over and sick would come out .
I put a lot of weight on after I stopped builma.
To be able to stop I needed to eat intuitively..
Literally with no restrictions, because the restrictions caused the builma
Every single time I try to diet now ,the old feelings flood back
So I accept I will always live with iit ,like a ghost that haunts me
The hardest thing I ever did was stop bulimia..harder than my degree or passing my driving test ,after 100 attempts.
It turned out , the bulimia was a crutch,and I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD as an adult .

For a long time after I'd stopped builma,I still had BED ,just no vomiting
I got stuck in a vicious cycle of over eating then restriction of calories.
Then dieting on low amounts of calories,which then led to a month of binging
I must of put about3 stone on , before I spotted the cycle.
There was absolutely no help and my BMI went up to 50.
Then I hit the menopause and it's True that any problems you had with food as a teenager come racing back in menopause.
Bulimia is nasty vicious little bitch of an illness,and not one that people talk freely about either .
I have accepted I will always have to be on my guard , because it could easily come back ,there by the grace of god go I that it hasn't comeback yet

Thank you everyone- I do agree that it is there within you all of the time. You just learn to manage it, talking to your inner demons. Like you I go up and down. Interesting though as I am sure I have adhd ( my son does) and I see me in some of his problems ~ lack of self control, eating emotionally, lack of will power... 3 pieces of chocolate, oh well I may as well have 5 packets and more...- that's me not him! Also interesting about the menopause as I was free of it for a while, but after menopause and Covid it returned. I have been ok the last few days, so may be just sharing thoughts with others ( who I don't know and who don't know me) helps. Stress makes me reach for food as well - so trying to exercise or have a bath or anything other than look in the kitchen to ease worries or arguments !
Thank you

Hello OP and massive hugs to you. I'm 57 and I started making myself throw up when I was 22.

Joining Weight Watchers kicked it off (I was trying to hit a weight loss target every week on the scales) but really the underlying issue was feeling completely out of control of my life, and unresolved issues from a horrible childhood.

I still take a very high dose of antidepressants and I was in therapy for 12 years with a leading psychiatrist until I was 52. The vomming tapered off towards the end of that time but honestly what stopped it completely was when I was about 54 and three of my front teeth fell out. I've got them fixed, but it took ages and I couldn't afford to have them replaced more than once.

It's really, really hard to stop bulimia. The only thing that worked to keep it at bay over the years was lifting weights at the gym. I learned to enjoy what I could do with my body and I got quite strong. I burned a lot of calories doing it too, and when I finished a session I was exhausted and happy.

I don't know if any of this has been helpful. I guess my takeaway is to look at the root causes, get some medical help for those issues, and to think about taking up weightlifting?

Oh god ,weight watchers for me too ,my mum got me enrolled at the local church hall really young .. bizarre as she had all the cupboard doors with padlocks on ,and I had no access to food other than what she gave me

Fellow sufferer, 46. I feel your pain. X

I've had disordered eating throughout my life but the most severe period of bulimia began with heavily restricting food/fasting, which led to bingeing, and I found that the only way to get out of that cycle was to stop restricting, stop trying to lose weight. I had to accept that being unhappy with my body was a price I was willing to pay so that I didn't keep going through the extreme misery. I still have an unhealthy relationship with food but I never binge like I used to. I hope you find something that helps.

Thank you, yes, I enjoy going to the gym, but then if I do t go for a week or two I feel guilty. Like you all say, it's finding the right balance that works. It's always there, threatening you. Just need to avoid the things that push me over the edge, know when to stop eating too much and avoid chocolate or at leave just eat a few pieces. Keep stressors at bay - easier said than done sometimes! Poor you, MobsterMunch - sounds like a tough time at home.
I have appreciated the comments from everyone, and openness to share.

It's just not something you can really bring up in conversation with relatives or friends ,and where anorexia is obvious in later stages , bulimia is not ,unless you know to look for raw knuckles and bloodshot eyes .
On the side of my finger joints in the middle,we have like little ridges ...mine on 2 fingers of one hand have worn away , replaced with hard thick skin like a corn on a toe .
A sad souvenir for me

OMG yes: no gag reflex and three implant teeth are my souvenirs.

No, I'm not mentioning it to friends or family! But not to the dr either as I just don't want them knowing, and I'm sure they will be totally unsympathetic and think I'm mad, have no will power or self control. ( There are so many Drs around here that we know - I don't want anyone reading about it).
I can't honestly remember why it started, probably that I don't like the shape of my body, once had a high pressure job and have always felt insecure. My mother is skinny and a feeder, leaving food on the table and making others all eat extras, whilst she eats like a mouse. Now my husband is always losing his temper with me - so it's probably the anxiety of that now. I take sertraline for anxiety and the dr said for menopause and to help with sleep, I read somewhere that it's used for eating disorders too - not that it seems to have made any difference to me at the moment.
The power to stop has to come from you and your head, no tablets can do that for you / I think anyway.

I have had eating disorders most of my life. When I was younger mostly restricted with some bingeing. Since my mid 20s almost exclusively binging with and without compensatory behaviour.

I managed to get the purging under better control by counting the number of purge free months, you could do smaller time frames if it suited you. So for example if I purged in march but not Jan, Feb and Apr that would be 3 purge free months that year. For me this kept the positivity of managing not to engage in behaviours without going straight back to the beginning. With time I got to do more months in a row between episodes.

I'm currently in a compulsive overeating phase. It turns out food where I go to sooth me, to criticise me, to congratulate me and to belittle me. Gradually it's getting less self destructive and I hope one day to be free. I'm in my mid 30s and I was about 8 when this started.

It's the secretiveness that gets me. I hate the deceit and there's a lot of guilt that goes on. I think this is why I try to find ways of measuring time in a way that doesn't add to the guilt but it's definitely still a work in progress. I need more therapy I think. A lot of it for me is tied to my relationship with my mother and the power she placed on food and dress size. I have done many things to be proud of in my life but I very much know that my mum is proudest of the number of a scrap of fabric stitched into the side of my clothes.

Sorry not many words for advice but I hear you x

Superscientist. Thank you for your comments. Your method works for you and is a very good piece of advise. I really hope you manage to increase the number of purge free months and eventually be free - it is so very hard to stop. I wish it was easier to have a healthy relationship with food and ourselves, but there is pressure everywhere!

I didn't realise this thread was active. I've never had a group of people to share with. I have been in contact with a GP and have had my first session with the eating disorder specialist, just a few weeks ago. I'm just waiting on them to to decide the best course of action for me. I also hadn't seen a doctor for years and years. But I don't want to do this any more.

I have adhd, I am medicated for it and that helps somewhat. But I'm in a terrible and long binge purge cycle at the moment. I'm hoping it'll let up soon.

On a practical side, does everyone know not to clean your teeth after a purge? Your enamel is soft when it's been in contact with vomit, and will scrub away if you clean your teeth. You've got to rinse your mouth with water to dilute the acids instead.

I also found that the one time in my adult life I was in control was when I was weight lifting. It gave me great confidence and body positivity and was something to focus on. I am confident I will get into it again but right now I just can't, as I don't have the time! And I hate that!

I don’t know if anyone is still connected to this thread - but I am hoping to form some sort of support network with fellow binge/purgers. It would be great to have people to reach out to. I am 34, F, bulimic for 21 years.

Closingtime101
I'm still here
I'm interested

Closingtime101 - great idea.
I'm still here too, and interested, thank you for thinking about us x

Hi 👋🏼 I’m having a hard time at the moment. I’ve been in therapy but I just can’t shift this “all or nothing” mentality. The whole day can be written off by breakfast time sometimes. Yesterday I binged all day long. I’m on maternity leave at the moment and with a whole empty day stretching ahead of me it can feel so lonely and binging feels entirely inevitable!

Are you both in a bad stretch at the moment, or managing to keep it at bay?

I’m still here. Still interested. 35F, bullimic since I was 13. I did a few sessions of cognitive therapy via the nhs, but it didn’t work for me so I pulled out.

im still binging and purging. I’ve started exercising again this week in the hopes it’ll help me.

the only thing that works for me is cutting out sugar and eating healthily - that’s one of the reasons I stopped my therapy as she told me it was restrictive cutting out junk, even though that’s the only way to quieten the noise.

being on maternity is tough, as you’re home all day. I’m better on work days that’s for sure.

how can I possibly go on like this for the rest of my life?

I'm so disappointed in myself

Day before yesterday I threw up my dinner on purpose.
I reckon I'd been a good few years sick free .
I just panicked,it was just a jacket potato and grill thing ,not even a binge .
I suppose it's like being an alcoholic
Even if your not drinking alcohol,your still an alcoholic
So feeling shit ,and the urge to binge is horrendous