ED Bulimia - I just can't stop it! Aged 58..... What can I do to help myself?

[sunnysss]

I have had Bulimia since I was about 22, on and off. Off during pregnancy and a few years after, but since lockdown it has reared its ugly head. I keep trying to stop but just can't stop at a sensible amount of food, I just keep going until I can hardly move sometimes. I take HRT since 50 and sertraline for anxiety.
Any advice welcome. I haven't told any doctor - not since my 20s.

So I'm doing ok
After my small fall of the waggon,I've been ok
I keep telling myself to think of my teeth and that seems to do the trick
But it's been a shock and made me realise I can't ever take it for granted being bulimia free
How is everyone else doing

Well done for picking yourself up again Monstermunch. It is so hard but I think we need to realise that we never can take normality for granted. I think that all advertising, influencers etc which are focused on the perfect body does not help.

as for me, I came down with Covid about a month ago and have still not recovered (exhausted, lingering cough, blocked sinuses, headaches, no smell). Unfortunately I cannot afford to be off sick, and I have been quite down about it.

paradoxically, this resulted in a temporary complete recovery. I do not enjoy food (or wine) at all as it doesn’t taste anything and all puddings I used to enjoy just have a slimy consistency which I cannot stomach.

I will try to see if there is anything I can hold onto from this when I eventually (hopefully) recover fully from this. It has been strange to not be tempted to eat / overeat and to only eat due to hunger - I wonder if this is how “normal people” generally are?

if I wasn’t so permanently exhausted and poorly, I would feel quite happy - but I will try to do what I can to see if I can get some good take away from this.

Yes you are quite right grandma,the body perfect influencers ,do not help at all .
I do hope you start to feel better soon ,it's awful being ill .
I didn't realise COVID was still doing the rounds
You never hear about it anymore,or hear about people testing for it .
I've had it 3 times really bad ,like 15 days in bed
It always starts with an itchy throat I can't get to ,so I know when I've got it now.
Bless you ,hope your up and about soon x

How Is everyone? I had a relapse in my ED, vomited once but then managed to stop again. How are you managing monstermunch? Relapses are so hard.

Still feeling poorly, seeing the doctor next week… again… Am managing to not bingeing and not vomiting though. It is very strange to eat bread and cheese without getting a panic attack ( am basically just trying to get something into me).

Sorry to hear your still not well grandma
But well done for stopping the vomiting at once only .

I can't tell you how much I regret not stopping bulimia years and years ago.
My teeth are suffering so much .
I'm trying hard to look after them ,but it's a loosing battle
Honestly I sometimes wish I could have them all out and get false teeth .
I think the years of acid wash has stripped the enamel of and I seem to get one hole in them after another.
Some of them can't be filled again ,I can't cope with root filling ,or whatever it's called,so they will have to come out
The bulimia has made me terrified of the dentist,I spend a lot of my time worrying about the next check up ,worrying I've another hole ,worrying I can feel pain..half the time I don't know if I'm imagining pain or not .I don't think this level of worry about teeth is normal,but I don't know how to stop

@Monstermunch2do you swill your mouth out with water afterwards? The dentist told me not to brush as the enamel is sensitive, not to mouthwash as the Floride locks in the bacteria, but to use water to dilute the acid. My teeth are ok.. I do have some damage from before I knew how to look after them properly as a bulimia sufferer. I do worry about them endlessly though. But it doesn’t make me stop.

I’ve started a new gym, I’m hoping this will kickstart a healthier life style, I can’t keep on like I am. I’m binging and purging multiple times every night.

Hello wilsandnoodle ,that's a good plan joining a gym .I hope it helps .
Can you try going in an evening to try to keep busy .
Yes I know not to rinse my teeth after cleaning,I think the damage is to great now though..I'm just trying to not let things get worse

I have only just seen all of these messages. Thank you all for sharing and discussing your ups, downs, progresses and relapses. It’s all so difficult managing when we are mostly keeping it a secret.
I have had some relapses, I would say mostly due to stress from my dh nagging me or telling me to do things. I have decided he’s a narcissist and controlling! I’m better when he’s away in the week and he’s busy. If he’s calling me and telling me what I should or shouldn’t be doing all the time I relapse. I was taking sertraline for anxiety and stopped a few months ago but think I will start again ahead of the school holidays. For me Bulimia is my stress relief, which obviously is not a good idea.
interesting what you say about ADHD and the meds. My son has it as do quite a few of the boys in our family.
I'm really pleased some of you are managing and feeling better.
Bobbyb- I know what you mean, cereal and milk or ice cream are just disasters! In fact they are go to binge foods. Must be avoided, I can have a taste of someone else’s but if I’m forced to order my own ice cream I just can’t keep it down.
Take care everyone.

Hi everyone, just checking in. I had to step away for a while as I found everything quite difficult. I had a couple of relapses, quite bad ones but am trying to manage. @Monstermunch2 so sorry to hear about your teeth, I am in the same boat I am afraid. I am lucky to have a work where I can get dental cover, I am forever worried that they will collapse.

@sunnysss , it is a lot stress related for me as well. Not ideal with work super stressful at the moment.

Hey all. Sending you so much love and strength. It is so tough but I know you are all strong people who want to care for yourselves.

My route out was focussing on my binge eating disorder. When that was under control I didn’t feel like I needed to purge. I learned to re direct the need to purge, to think about starting each day as a binge free day and wiping the slate clean at night.

Podcasts like brain over binge really helped me, focussing on improving my nutrition, adding nutritious food rather than taking food away.

God it’s a life long thing and I’ll be working on it til the day I die. It’s been about a year since my last purge.

So much care and compassion to you all, you beautiful humans.

Have you thought about OA Overeaters Anonymous? It’s for all eating disorders. I know a couple of friends in the past who attended the meetings and it really helped.

Had a small lapse again
Very frustrating
Feels never ending

Lifelong sufferer here too. ADHD diagnosis and Elvanse helped a lot and then started taking mounjaro as I was very overweight- has completely changed my life, haven't binged at all since starting it. Occasionally throw up a meal but very rarely. If you're overweight and can afford it, I can't recommend it more.

I'm on monjroro.have been for a while
So I'm quite surprised at this lapse ,I didn't expect it .
I'd even given some stupid chat to a friend about how I knew I was never going back to bulimia.
Ugh

My eyes look horrendous,all the skin around them is full of burst blood vessels, anyone who knows ,will be able to tell by looking at me ,been putting fake tan on to try to hide them

This might not be helpful to you but i try to practice acceptance. My ED doesn't make me a bad person, it doesn't define me, its just an unhelpful coping mechanism I learned from a very young age (I was 9 when i first made myself sick).

I try and think about nourishing myself and feeding myself like I would feed a child that I loved.

It takes some of the battle out of food and eating and helps me be compassionate towards myself.

Is there something going on in your life that has pushed you back in this direction? Perhaps that needs some more targeted attention...

I was 14 when I started,.stopped at 47 ..had a few good clear years .

The weight loss has slowed right down and I think that's got me in a panic .
I don't really want to accept it ,ask think that will give me the green light to go ahead ,like give me permission
I need to feel bad about it so I don't do it again
Dieting has definitely triggered it ,but I have weight to loose,there's no getting away from that fact

Does it still count as bulimia if you don't binge first ..
These lapses were me panicking after a meal

@Monstermunch2 I think you know that throwing up your food is still bulimia. Even if you don't do a huge binge. But the fact you didn't binge is still a big positive.

Do you think you could maybe try stopping you meal half way through? Then trying to come back to it once the food has settled? To stop you feeling that bloated feeling which can trigger wanting to be sick?

Hope you're well. Sending my support x

Thanks yes
Had another small blip ,but no binging thankfully
Can't risk my teeth any more ,so I'm firmly back in control

Hope everyone else is doing ok x

That's fantastic! Well done. I think the longer you go without b/p the easier it gets.
For one thing not having a terribly bloated and full stomach, even for a few minutes. I don't miss that feeling!

Are you doing three meals a day? I'm rubbish at doing three meals personally. I like having quite a big meal once a day. And too many snacks! But I think for some people that doesn't work well.

On the subject of teeth, I needed soo many fillings from erosion. Cost a fortune to fix. I'm so pleased they are healthy again now. So yeah, don't want to risk ruining them again.

Wishing you well and keep up the good work! X

Thankyou ,yes some days I have a large meal as I feel I want a full feeling ,other days I split the calories in to 2 ,meals .
Just depends
I've actually lost teeth ,I'm ashamed to say ,due to bullima ..I don't cope well with the dentist and someone else would of had root canal,but I just couldn't cope with it .
It's hidden though,so can't be seen