I’m so sad and I don’t feel I can tell anyone and I just want to write it down

[FlapMyKitschUp]

I feel so up and down, but mostly down.

DH and I had sex earlier and it was so great and I felt happy for a good hour, but then I couldn’t sleep and just lay here overthinking and now I’m back to being sad. Just silently crying here in bed because I feel so sad. Had a cry in the bath earlier.

I miss my sister, we barely speak any more and I don’t think we have anything in common. She’s so so angry, at everyone but that includes me, and I don’t know why. She was my best friend until about two years ago, now I don’t even know her and she doesn’t know me.

I don’t feel I sort of ‘come first’ for anyone else. I know that’s pathetic but it’s true - I’m nobody’s best friend or first choice or maid of honour or godmother or whatever. I’m just a totally average person who has made two wonderful kids and was once a bright young thing who was thought of as clever and going places and interesting and whatever…but is now just someone boring and annoying who you wouldn’t seek out.

The best thing about me is DH and my kids. I never ever ever wanted to be that person.

Im so sad and I feel I’ve lost myself completely and I don’t even think there’s anything I can get back.

Im not uniquely special to anyone.

That’s really lovely to read.
It will get better.
Sleep well.

I'm so glad you reached out to your husband and your sister. A lot of us have been where you are and we know it can be helped and treated and you will feel better. Sending good vibes to you and your lovely family.

@FlapMyKitschUp

My advice to you is to start a gratitude journal and every morning write down 3 things you are grateful for. It sounds daft but if you keep at it, it changes your mind set eventually and you start to notice it.

To put your feelings in context, I feel exactly the way you do a lot of the time , it comes and goes. the gratitude journal has definitely helped.

The difference between is that I am single, I have no children and I am caring for a parent with dementia and physical ailments. I look at your life and think ' you have a husband and for the rest of your life you will have your children.'

when my parent dies I will be alone and have no one.

I'm not saying this in a 'competitive my life is worse that yours way' because I know if you are in a dark place of depression it all feels so dark anyway and the bad luck or good fortune of others makes no differecne. I'm telling you this firstly so that you know you aren't alone feeling like that and secondly to try to encourage you towards thinking about doing a gratitude journal - because you could be without any social support like me. a husband and children is a life's worth of people who have emotional capital invested in you.

my second piece of advice is if you drink alochol at all, give it up completely if you can manage it - evern for 2 or 3 weeks. Its remarkable how much it improves your mental health.

I’ve just seen your thread and I’m so glad you showed it to your DH and reached out to your sister.

Clearly you’re very special to them, and your kids who are, as you’ve said, amazing. Don’t forget they are 50% your genes too!

Definitely get all the physical checks you can sorted. I had PND after having my daughter which it turned out was being exacerbated by an underactive thyroid.

Once I got the right medication and support in place I moved forward very quickly (I was also on ADs prior to my pregnancy).

Wishing you the best of luck.

Make a promise to yourself not to talk about yourself in a way that you wouldn't about other people. When you feel yourself going down that rabbit hole, change your state, make a cuppa, have a little tidy, spend 5 in the garden. Accept all the help, and accept that you are loved, your mind just isn't thinking that right now, because you are poorly and your brain chemistry is out of whack. Wishing you all the love in the world, it will pass x