I feel so up and down, but mostly down.
DH and I had sex earlier and it was so great and I felt happy for a good hour, but then I couldn’t sleep and just lay here overthinking and now I’m back to being sad. Just silently crying here in bed because I feel so sad. Had a cry in the bath earlier.
I miss my sister, we barely speak any more and I don’t think we have anything in common. She’s so so angry, at everyone but that includes me, and I don’t know why. She was my best friend until about two years ago, now I don’t even know her and she doesn’t know me.
I don’t feel I sort of ‘come first’ for anyone else. I know that’s pathetic but it’s true - I’m nobody’s best friend or first choice or maid of honour or godmother or whatever. I’m just a totally average person who has made two wonderful kids and was once a bright young thing who was thought of as clever and going places and interesting and whatever…but is now just someone boring and annoying who you wouldn’t seek out.
The best thing about me is DH and my kids. I never ever ever wanted to be that person.
Im so sad and I feel I’ve lost myself completely and I don’t even think there’s anything I can get back.
Im not uniquely special to anyone.