I’m so sad and I don’t feel I can tell anyone and I just want to write it down

[FlapMyKitschUp]

I feel so up and down, but mostly down.

DH and I had sex earlier and it was so great and I felt happy for a good hour, but then I couldn’t sleep and just lay here overthinking and now I’m back to being sad. Just silently crying here in bed because I feel so sad. Had a cry in the bath earlier.

I miss my sister, we barely speak any more and I don’t think we have anything in common. She’s so so angry, at everyone but that includes me, and I don’t know why. She was my best friend until about two years ago, now I don’t even know her and she doesn’t know me.

I don’t feel I sort of ‘come first’ for anyone else. I know that’s pathetic but it’s true - I’m nobody’s best friend or first choice or maid of honour or godmother or whatever. I’m just a totally average person who has made two wonderful kids and was once a bright young thing who was thought of as clever and going places and interesting and whatever…but is now just someone boring and annoying who you wouldn’t seek out.

The best thing about me is DH and my kids. I never ever ever wanted to be that person.

Im so sad and I feel I’ve lost myself completely and I don’t even think there’s anything I can get back.

Im not uniquely special to anyone.

My kids really are wonderful. DS1 is playing some kind of noisy game in his bed next door, probably involving one or more of his cuddly toys having very dramatic adventures. He’s amazing, he’s so funny and clever and he’s absolutely objectively beautiful. DS2 is so sweet and happy and relaxed. They’re wonderful.

I guess I must have done something right that they’re like that? But it’s probably mostly DH. I like to think I’m a good parent but I’m probably just kidding myself. I’m lazy and I’m rubbish at playing. And DS2 is in nursery some days even though I’m on maternity leave which probably makes me a super shit lazy mum.

And I’m fat. And I look older than I am. Mousy and wrinkled and dull skinned.

I feel like my life had such promise and now I am just nothing and nobody and I’ll be nobody forever. What is the point in doing this for decades more.

I won’t kill mhself because it wouldn’t be fair on DH or the kids. But that’s the only reason why really. I look at high buildings and wonder if they’d be tall enough for me not to risk a vegetative state or paralysis

I have no idea if you are accurately describing everything, but you are uniquely special to you. Remember that. The most important love is the love you have for yourself. Love yourself and treat yourself kindly. You deserve that.

That said, you may have lost connections with people and one of them being your sister is so hard. But nothing in life is fixed. You have the power to change your life. It doesn't need to happen on 1 January or another big occasion it can start tomorrow.

Get some sleep and look at things in the morning. What steps can you take to feel happier? Make a plan. And commit to loving yourself and seeing you are special. But mostly - get some sleep.

Good points to think about with ubove poster @visavisapisa

I don’t know how to reconnect. Or why. I’d just be inflicting myself on people to be just another acquaintance. I’m not best friend material I guess - I’m in my mid thirties and nobody has me as their best best person. DH is stuck with me. He’s so loyal and kind and wonderful and good looking but he’s just been dragged down by me too. At least I made him nice kids but god what a drag to be stuck with me everyday.

Im on a waiting list for psychotherapy but what’s the point. More Teams calls with someone else I’ll just be a burden and a problem to.

It’s kind of you both to answer anyway.

You ARE special to your husband and children. They love you and need you.
You sound depressed. There can be physical reasons for that and I really think you should look into those.
Vitamin D deficiency and thyroid problems are the two things that instantly came into my mind.
I know it is hard to see a GP these days but I really think you should.
You don't say how old you are, but perimenopause can start any time after 40.

I am sorry about your sister, but she may have issues of her own and we can't control what other people do.

With your kids, what is one thing you have done to contribute to them being so amazing (apart from genetics!). Just name one thing - big or small

DS1 was indeed launching an assault on his white noise machine led by his cuddly tiger. Unclear who won but the tiger was someone launched from the cot so I have rescued him. Value add there anyway.

@endofthelinefinally i missed a blood test to see if taking iron and vitamin d and increased thyroid medication has made any difference. I am less tired than I was.

I am on very strong anti depressants. I don’t think they’re working. I forgot to take them today but k don’t think that would hit that fast. So I’ll feel worse tomorrow.

I should probably stop alcohol and caffeine and see if it helps but god there’s got to be something to make you feel alive

I don't have kids but my dogs are up there in importance to me. Today one of them was gnawing at his claw and I realised it had split and filed it down for him. He looked at me like I was the best thing ever and had saved his life 😂

Thank you for answers. I don’t mean to drag you all down too. Just further sucking joy from the world.

I am 35.

I remember first thinking about killing myself when I was 11. I didn’t realise for years that most people never think about it. I can’t imagine. I think maybe my brain is just broken and now I have kids and am tired I can’t even winkle from it the intelligence I used to have.

I honestly don’t know.

DH tells me to think of one thing each day that I like about myself. I can’t think of any right now.

Please have the blood test. It is really important. Antidepressants won't help if you have anaemia/ vit D deficiency/ thyroid problem.

You can come back from this, you really can. I felt the very same when my children were little, it was like delayed post natal depression. I was bored, boring and lonely.

it took time, work and dedication, but I found my spark again… walked for miles, taught myself to cook healthier food, got into yoga (a lot later, but wish it was. Lot earlier), stopped drinking alcohol, got in the happy pills… the sparkle came back, the weight stopped piling on…

enjoy the times your kids are in nursery, go for a swim, get your brows done, do a hair condition, practise some self care

99 percent of people are just regular, normal, average people just ticking along. Your husband chose you, you are his person. I forgot that about mine, and lost years wondering why the fuck he was with average old me. But he was, still is, and we are happy.

do the work, the therapy is a good start

wishing you well xxx

I don't know if I am truly special to anyone - possibly but maybe not. On the therapy front, I did it for several years and it helped me a lot. I think it is worth seeing what that can do for you when your appointment rolls round. It wasn't an overnight improvement for me, but the therapist kind of chipped away at my very negative thoughts and made me start to question some of it. Like why was I so bad really? I am in fact no different from most people and they all seemed fine to me, so maybe I am fine?

Oh and yeah, have the blood test. I was anemic, had no idea. Needed a blood transfusion! (Dramatic :)

I make really good carbonara. There that’s one good thing.

This is probably a mental health crisis. But I don’t want to call the perinatal mental health team because what can they do anyway and what’s the point in just crying at someone. I just wanted to try to get it all out.

im just wasting everyone’s time I would just waste theirs too

You matter.

call the team. You are not wasting any time

do it for you, your husband and your beautiful children.

I live the sound of ds1!

Please call them. They are there to support you. How old are your dc?
Does your sister have dc?

No point calling them. I’m not going to kill myself. Like I’m really not, I have resolved not to. I’d just be moaning. Im not a danger to anyone so what would be the point.

DS1 is 2.5. DS2 is 7 months.

Can't cook - this embarrasses me constantly. Trying to learn one meal a week currently and tonight was supposed to be that night but I had macdonalds instead...

How long have you been on anti-depressants? It can take a while I think to find the right ones/amounts and even then that can change when you thought it was all ticking along

Just shouting I AM SAD into the void. Poor perinatal mental heslth team what can they do to fix fhat if I called them