I’m so sad and I don’t feel I can tell anyone and I just want to write it down

[FlapMyKitschUp]

I feel so up and down, but mostly down.

DH and I had sex earlier and it was so great and I felt happy for a good hour, but then I couldn’t sleep and just lay here overthinking and now I’m back to being sad. Just silently crying here in bed because I feel so sad. Had a cry in the bath earlier.

I miss my sister, we barely speak any more and I don’t think we have anything in common. She’s so so angry, at everyone but that includes me, and I don’t know why. She was my best friend until about two years ago, now I don’t even know her and she doesn’t know me.

I don’t feel I sort of ‘come first’ for anyone else. I know that’s pathetic but it’s true - I’m nobody’s best friend or first choice or maid of honour or godmother or whatever. I’m just a totally average person who has made two wonderful kids and was once a bright young thing who was thought of as clever and going places and interesting and whatever…but is now just someone boring and annoying who you wouldn’t seek out.

The best thing about me is DH and my kids. I never ever ever wanted to be that person.

Im so sad and I feel I’ve lost myself completely and I don’t even think there’s anything I can get back.

Im not uniquely special to anyone.

Thank you

I’m not calming down and it isn’t getting better it’s getting worse.

im going to turn off my phone.

Oh love! You are absolutely at peak time for PND, anaemia, thyroid dysfunction and vitamin D deficiency.
You need to take all the help and medical intervention offered.
You are not in a place to decide that the perinatal team can't help you. Please call them.
Get the blood tests.
I say that as a retired midwife and someone who has suffered from PND, severe anaemia and vitamin D deficiency. All of those make you feel dreadful.

Hugs op. As someone has said, 99% of us are ordinary and non descript. Your first and second post could have been written by me. 5vyears ago I looked 10 years younger. Today at 46 I look 10 years older . Have had bad skin since I turned 21. Now have just transitioned from bad acne and hyperpigmentation to the same with a generous serving of deep wrinkled and facial collapse. But you know what? We deserve to be happy. We are decent fallible people. Our kids, the most honest people in the world love and adore us and think we are the best (and we better believe them) and they wouldn't want to be without us. So let's take care of our physical and mental health. Our world is currently full of lies and its easy to see everyone's life as wonderful, as more beautiful that us etc. That's a lie

Going to sleep now - I don't post that much but your message kind of jumped out at me - it read like you are lovely person who means the world to your family but who has got lost and overwhelmed by life and depression. Get some sleep! And try to speak to someone tomorrow. While I want you to feel less sad now, it's ok to feel sad. No point pushing bad feelings away but also important to let them pass and respect them. Good night x

Please get in touch with the perinatal mental health team, OP, they are amazing. They saved my life.
I too could be described as very average and nobody's best friend or first choice. But that's OK. You're just down on yourself at the moment but that can and will change. Hugs.

You’re depressed sweetheart. It’s very common when you have small children, it’s possibly partly hormonal. You must get help. Get a GP appointment ASAP. It’s usual for a GP practice to prioritise mental health. Call and tell the receptionist that you need an urgent appointment for your mental health. You will get better, I promise. 💐

Have you had any counselling?
What is your self-care like?
Do you practice mindfulness?
Can you reconnect with your sister?
Your family sounds amazing, keep going OP- do you get out in the fresh air regularly

Oh bless you.
I agree about the blood tests - anaemia can make you feel dreadful. Plus you have two very young children, which is hard work even if they are lovely and you love them. You don’t need to beat yourself up about not wanting to play all the time, your mind does not work the same as a 2.5 year old so why would you want to play all the time? It’s okay for DS1 to be in nursery some days, that is how he meets other 2.5 year olds who do want to play all the time, being 2.5 year olds. Please try to extend some care and understanding to yourself.
Family splits - this is hard and it is okay to be sad about this, but not to the point of thinking you are worthless. My sister has not spoken with me for about seven years now as she found it too difficult, I think - she lost her DD to stillbirth and was then unable to conceive and every year I think that got harder for her, especially for me to visit with my two DC (as a single parent, not easy for me to travel alone without them). So I understand where you are coming from with that. People do what they need to cope. It’s difficult not to think there is something wrong with you when family estrangement happens, but you do sound like a lovely person with a lovely family, so whatever is going on with your sister, I think must be more complicated.
What do you do for yourself, to relax, and reconnect with the world? I like to garden (difficult at this time of year).
Also, do not feel bad about calling the mental health team. They are there precisely because people do need their support!

You’re depressed (am sure you’re already aware of this!) but also lonely and disconnected. Go back to the GP to review your medication- if it’s not working then you need to try an alternative.

Also ask about social prescribing and if there are any groups you could be referred to so you can reconnect with people and purpose. Feeling isolated can be so damaging to your self worth. Try and get outside in nature whenever you can, if nothing else it can be a great distraction from the noise in your head. You won’t always feel like this op.

It helps me to remember that feelings are just that- they don’t have concrete value in themselves. Feeling sad doesn’t make you a sad sack!
Feelings can be caused by hormones and they pass. You don’t have to accept their definition of you. You can note it, consider whether you need to change anything, or just shove them away for being unreasonable.

Anxiety and panic are washes of hormones preparing you for a fight/flight. If there’s nothing to fight with, you can safely ignore them.

💐

I'm going to throw this out there and see if it resonates with you. I felt EXACTLY like this 2 years ago. Exactly the same. I never felt like i was anyone's number one friend, i felt like id failed at life, thoughts of self harm, i would get overwhelmed very easily especially with my children and i hated myself at times. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and i was on very strong anti depressants that weren't working.

Turns out i was anxious and depressed, but it was because i had undiagnosed ADHD. A chance conversation with a colleague, and lightbulbs went off all over the place and i sought a private diagnosis. I'm now off my anti depressants and coping much better with life. I've got coping mechanisms in place and Im much kinder to myself now because i could replace all my bad labels i had given myself with "ADHD". I think I'm probably autistic too. I was seen by 5 or 6 different mental health professionals before i heard about adhd and NOBODY picked up on it. They all said anxiety and depression. But i read about it and it made so much sense. I think it's worth you having a read online see if it resonates. Women are hugely undiagnosed, ignored and commonly will just be dumped on antidepressants. Around your age is when the wheels will come off, (especially after having children) and adhd women will crash. Age 11 is important - adhd quite often shows itself up in puberty.

There are various flags for me in your post that you may also be neurodivergent - I'm not saying you are, I'm in no way qualified to say that. But having someone mention the possibility to me has changed my whole life.

Some of the things that i noticed that feel like me : no sense of self apart from how you relate to other people (this one was really distressing for me - like... Who even am i?) overwhelmed, unable to calm down (possibly you are in meltdown), forcing yourself to play with your children, thoughts of self harm from the age of 11, up and down moods, very, very low self esteem, forgetting to take your meds, crying in the bath (god knows i do still do that a lot - crying is how i release tension) crying after sex! Feeling like nobody sees you, bright future that you feel came to nothing, self critical. No judgement from me at all by the way on any of the above. you are exactly where i was pre diagnosis.

You must trust that professionals with expertise in this field can offer you beneficial support.
Confide in your husband about how you’re feeling.
Call the mental health team that are supporting you.
Book an urgent medication review with your gp.
Purchase a copy of overcoming low self esteem and start working through the cbt exercises in that.

I am sorry you are sad, you sound like a lovely person to me but depressed. You don't say if you take any anti depressants but if you don't please consider them to lift your mood and then kick some self care into your life.

I’m not a psychotherapist but work 1:1 in a closely related role and this bit jumped out at me, “Im on a waiting list for psychotherapy but what’s the point. More Teams calls with someone else I’ll just be a burden and a problem to.” It’s literally their job. What they’re paid for. Occasionally patients will say something similar and my response is just that. I trained to do this, I chose to do this, I love doing it and I’m supported to do this. Some ideas: •from your DCs age it’s definitely pnd and I can guarantee it’ll get better. •you’re wonderfully present and reflective, I loved the description of your elder child playing. You’re doing a wonderful job there. Take comfort and strength from that. •be aware- ground yourself noticing things, things you can see, smell, all the senses. •re. caffeine and alcohol. That’s a very profound observation you made. You want to change the way you feel. Look for some alternatives, a ginger drink, a physical big stretch up and notice the sensations. Hand cream, hot bath, belly laugh, glass of ice cold water. •imagine you’re being filmed, it sounds like you’re wonderfully present with your kids but if you’re waning just pull the focus out and play act. I promise it will get better.

I think when one has small children they are so all-encompassing that it’s really easy to lose yourself. I think a lot of people feel like you do to some extent. Having happy, bright children is an incredible achievement. I think usually much more important and special than being a maid of honor or a godmother (although ofc those things are special and lovely too). As your children get bigger you will be able to carve out more time for yourself, for your career, for your friendships. Don’t write yourself off. You can have all of those things if you want them, they are just being paused for a bit because motherhood is unbelievably intense.

You aren’t lazy for sending DS to nursery, it’s sensible to give him time with his peers and you time with your baby. You aren’t wasting anyone’s time by asking for help. That is their job. It’s what they are paid for and it’s also a vocation. They get satisfaction from helping people. Also, just because you aren’t going to kill yourself doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy of help; doctors don’t only treat the people who are dying, they want everyone to be in optimum health, mental hcps are the same.

I’m so sorry you feel like this, Things will get better. You are doing the toughest bit now but it isn’t forever. And stop looking at social media. Comparison is the thief of joy and it’s all fake anyway.

Oh OP you sound really depressed & yourself self esteem is on the floor. I agree though that there are things you can do to try to get out of the hole you're in. Start a written diary, write down the things you want to do just today, and make yourself do it (make it realistic goals) and write down something that you like about yourself, a good quality. Also write down your thoughts both positive & negative. Do this everyday it might help.
I would also look to join some group with something that you like doing, for you. You need to find yourself again!

Please try stopping the alcohol it will be making things so much worse. It’s a depressant and doesn’t mix well with antidepressants. I think you need to do that as it will be contributing to making you feel up and then down and going round in mood cycles. I know it’s hard as you’re probably relying on it as ‘one of life’s few pleasures at the moment’ but it’s not helping in the long run.

You do sound clinically depressed. Depression and anxiety lie to you. Remember it’s the depression making you think these things. You do matter to yourself and your family, the four of you. It’s ok to want to do other things in life as well but you need to get well first which you will do with the right support.

You definitely sound depressed or on the way there.

If you don’t want to see the GP then perhaps focus on losing weight - simply by eating healthier and getting out and exercising more.
These things will make you feel better on their own and as you lose weight, you will increase in confidence.

In the meantime, start looking up some clubs or hobbies you can join that will give you something for you and allow you to meet new people and make friends.

The fact that you have started a thread is great and I think many people feel like you do and if they see that you are brave enough to admit it, then it may help them to get help themselves too.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Thank you for being so nice to me.

Spoke to my sister today, just about being sad. Cried. She was very supportive, sent me to bed and spent the afternoon looking after my babies and hers with my DH. It is a start.

I showed DH this thread and he was just amazed at all of you taking time to be so nice and also give some really helpful practical advice.