Parents and carers of anxious teens(part 7)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Goodness,seventh thread!
Welcome back to those who have been on board with me since the days DS was first struggling,and hello to new faces

This thread is for those who care for anxious teens.some of us have diagnosis of ASD/anxiety/depression,others are encountering and navigating escalating symptoms that are starting to prove troublesome

This is a safe,non judgemental space to share ideas,offload worries and provide support and kind words for those deep in the trenches

We get how utterly exhausting it can be and are not afraid to celebrate the small wins that in regular circles would be deemed as insignificant as participating in "normal activities"

Yes, not going to lie. It was a hellish time with ds. Camhs isn't fit for purpose but my main beef is with the education system.

For years I battled with schools and it is exhausting. DS1 is moderately dyspraxic but very bright so he was constantly shouted at in class from P1 due to his poor organisational skills and messy handwriting.

In the end I organised for an educator to go into the school and talk to their staff about clumsy children (as they were called then) Developmental Co ordination Disorder later.

They did implement some screening for the nursery kids on the back of that and DS got an IEP (Scotland) but in the end I moved his school.

That was at Primary level. I did my best but, inadvertently, with all the help and support i got for him, i think it sent out a message that he was broken and needed fixed. So he kicked off against all support at high school and refused any keyboards for writing etc. It's easy to see mistakes with hindsight isn't it?!

Had his self esteem been boosted more at home and school, he'd have fared better i'm sure.

And now with DD2, i took a total hands off approach with school and look what's happened! Can't win!!

What age is your dd @Autumn00Storms and how long have you been home educating?

She’s 13 now but has only been out of the school system for a year after complete break down last year. The signs were there from aged 5 at primary school but because she’s very intelligent they couldn’t see any major issues in school until age9-10 when her mask was slipping more and more completely not coping in the classroom. She would go mute and compliant or head on the desk crying silently instead of the more difficult pupils who were more throw things n shout so she was ignored even when self harming in the toilets missing from class crying aged 9. Got her EHCP too late at the end of year7 age 11 the damage was well and truely done by that point sadly.

we Haven’t chosen to home ed but like many forces into it with no other option sadly.

I'm sure my 2 that broke down in the school system would have been better home educated tbh. Schools are incredibly damaging for too many children. You will have saved your dd from so much harm by removing her.

Things do improve once they find their niche in life; there is a place for everyone in this world.

Have you got other DC?

My DD1 and DS3 went through the school system without any issues. But i'm sure DD1 is autistic too! I think all my kids are.

DD1 is in her 30s now. She is successful as an artist but lives alone and belongs to a Dungeons and Dragons group!! That tells you all you need to know there!

And ds3 is a university boomeranger. Just graduated this year in software engineering. Looking for his first job in that but at Greggs in the meantime. I think he will get his foot in the door at some point though.

Yes I think we can all find a path if can be supported enough, my eldest DD is doing A levels her path through secondary wasn’t easy but she’s doing ok at the moment.

@Anisty yes sadly I think everyone here has a story about CAHMS not being helpful (or worse) and then booting them off. It just doesn't have the resources to cope with the numbers.

@Autumn00Storms school is not a good fit for every child, especially ND children. Both of my children found school challenging, but I think for my youngest it was very damaging emotionally. I try not to look back too much!

Need some advice.
How to help DD with her binge eating?
It's really getting her down. She earns her own money so buys rubbish.
She works at a fast food place weekends so gets food there which is loaded with calories.
I try and do healthy meals at home but this proves pointless as she eats outside 7 days a week.
She now has developed coke zero habit. Her daily college lunch is a meal deal with coke zero and crisps.
I had to have a few words with her today after she ate an entire pack of marks combo mix crisps. This was for sharing for the whole family.
She then got upset and was in tears.
I see the low mood creeping back again and we never really addressed the body image effectively.
She does have a therapist and dietician that I for privately..I also got her a gym membership but she never goes.
She has no hobbies either and all day today she was just sitting or lying in in bed.
I feel desperate, sad and also angry.
I realise no one can really help her unless she helps herself.
It's the adhd eating I know but surely not everyone with adhd binge eats like this.
Just frustrated really.
Needed a vent
Xx

Oh that's tough @DarkChocHolic . It really does need to come from her, doesn't it. Does she go through cycles of over eating and then restriction?
Once they earn their own money, there's little you can do.

Would having a chat just saying you are worried about her and setting her a 2 week challenge work - you know if you bribed her with seeing if she could stay off the coke and crisps for 2 full weeks, you will buy her something she's been wanting?

I suppose the key is getting her back into eating sensible foods at regular intervals so she's not getting the sugar crashes which trigger more eating.

Could she be persuaded to eat a cooked breakfast with you each morning as part of the challenge - if she set off after a brekkie of egg, lean bacon, toast, beans, tomato and a big glass of orange juice inside her (or, better, pot of tea) then she might last through the morning without coke and crisps.

So, so hard though when she works with fast food. She's going to need to make that connection between fast food and feeling like shite.

And it's soooo addictive!!

I speak as one not addicted to take aways but sugar for sure. Biscuits, sweets, cake. I need to go cold turkey every once in a while to re set my system.

I do hope someone on here comes up with a solution for you. Interestingly, you know i said i think i tend to lean towards adhd in my activity levels and DS3 too is most like me in our family. And both of us do love our food!

So we do have a little weight loss competition going every now and again. He is super good at it though. Once he is in the mode, he just ploughs right through and will switch all his junk for fruit. And he can stick on that for months. It's regulating the blood sugar and keeping busy isn't it.

Easier said than done!

@DarkChocHolic sending you a handhold. I can really relate to what you are going through. You are right that they need to want to help themselves first.

With my dd, she used to go through bags of crisps, biscuits and instant noodles as well as eating dinner. I would often find empty packets in the cupboards or packets with one biscuit left so she could claim she hadn't eaten everything. She gained some weight but she was also doing a lot of exercise at home (probably over exercising). I too got her a gym membership which she didn't use. I think she was vomiting every now and again too. Because of everything else that was going on, I tread very lightly, said nothing about the weight gain or the food bingeing. I cooked healthier meals and bought healthier snacks for home and everyone only drank water or tea! I couldn't control what she ate outside. I would get annoyed when I wanted a biscuit with my tea and found it was all gone but I never let her see that. It was very frustrating at times. Covid helped as it was just a less stressful time for her and was probably why it didn't turn into something worse. When we had the adhd assessment, it was discussed with the psychiatrist and she thought that the adhd medication would help to calm down her bingeing. I don't know if she ever really discussed it with her therapist. At this point I would say her eating is a lot better, she does still binge food but in lower quantities and no longer throws up. I don't know if any of this helps.

@DarkChocHolic its really hard one to crack as I was your DD when I was 16+ going to college walking past the shops every day and buying chocolate daily and I gained weight. My mum & siblings were all healthy slim we had lots homemade healthy food at home. I did exercise but again not really until later in life did I really enjoy exercise. It wasn’t until my youngest DD showed the same pattern did I make the connection to dopamine seeking behaviour through eating and how having a ND brain impacts regulating eating. We’ve talked a lot about healthy choices but honestly I found until we could reduce the stress triggers to wanting to eat as comfort nothing else worked.

For me personally this is not the answer for your dd but I’ve been on the lowest dose of mourjaro for six months and it’s was like a switch in my brain that turned off my desire for sugar. I’ve been a sugar addict my entire life but also exercise every day which mostly kept me in check until menopause hit & my hormones just like a teenagers just felt out of control and any stress made me eat sugar & carbs uncontrollably at times. My point being that it’s for me 100% a hormonal imbalance & stress increases it, that no amount of willpower could control yet a low dose drug has had an instant impact which has been life changing emotionally and physically. It’s actually one of the reasons we’ve trying antidepressants for our DD as I can see that all the lifestyle changes still haven’t re-balanced her.

Somehow your DD does need to make the connection between sugar as a drug and to feel more energised you don’t need it but actually need healthy balanced food as fuel with fresh air & exercise instead of food being the comfort & stress relief it’s better to get that feeling in other ways.

For me I run as I love that buzz & my younger DD currently roller skates fast. It’s a really hard issue to crack but I find it really fascinating that I’ve always had an emotional relationship with food yet my DH sees food as fuel for him and that’s helped me change my thoughts about it too. No idea if my rambles help.

Thanks for the handhold. Last night reminded me that though we are so much better than we were a few months ago, the battles we face are very much around. I should just focus on the wins. I am quite an anxious person myself so I find myself flapping when DD is having one of her moments.
I admire those that can remain calm like a rock during those times.
She had a very busy week with something on every day and I think this has thrown her a bit. I remember the "pacing" discussion we had on this thread a few days back.

@Anisty
I have tried many approaches with DD, some with bribes too but nothing seems to rub on her. She is hesitant to most things. Her dietician says the same. She wants to exercise but she can't. She knows she needs to eat well but she can't.
I know what you mean about a good breakfast. We are a vegetarian family but we do eat eggs. My kids just don't seem to enjoy eggs in the morning. They are real cereal-holics and that's the trouble. It simply doesn't fill them up. I have stopped buying the sugary nestle stuff except for half term and stock up on weetabix. They don't eat porridge too. I think consistency issues maybe.
The weekend job is the real culprit now. Pizza twice a week every week isn't helping when she is already on the 99th centile.
The competition stuff doesn't work with her either. I have said I would join her on any vegan/no sugar weeks if she wants to give it a go. Or a step challenge. Nope. everything is a no.

@Okisenough thanks for the handhold. I am glad your DD is doing better on her eating. I need to not get angry like you did when your tea biscuit was gone.
In our case, its mainly her brother's share that she eats up. She doesn't like any of my snacks so won't touch them. He has gone without several times and that really winds me up. Bless him, he has never got angry with her or been mean to her about this or even made fun of her weight so it makes me even more sad and angry for him.
But, maybe I should learn from him and be the better person because clearly me getting annoyed is doing absolutely nothing.

@Autumn00Storms thanks for sharing your experience and I am so glad you found something that works for you.
I did have hope when she started on her ADHD meds. I thought it would help with the binge eating but sadly no it hasn't. She needs to find something that clicks. She hasn't yet and my worry is being in bed all day and night won't help her find it. But then, I fully know pushing her will not work at all. This morning she had her door shut and I know this means she doesn't want to engage. Atleast she was keeping her door open all these days. Us going in and telling her not to be in bed all day means she has now shut the door on us.

Atleast she is cheerful today. Grateful for the calm.
Have a good weekend everyone and thanks for the support.
I knew you guys would get it. DH doesn't :-(

It is hard to stop yourself giving advice or pushing them into the behaviour you think would be beneficial. All the previous experiences have shown me it does not help yet I still do it. For instance today I was talking to dd about a club I thought she would enjoy - she tells me that she knows about it but doesn't feel it's right for her, this is the point where I should have said ok and moved on, instead I said but blah blah blah and they do this blah blah blah, give them a try blah blah blah, thankfully I then realised and said just ignore me and left her alone. I'm better but I definitely need to improve.

So true @Okisenough - you know I had this nailed with ds2 which is probably why he has grown into such a happy chap! Because his development did not follow normal patterns from birth, we were always led totally by him. He did go to mainstream school and i remember he was just very happy in the playground doing totally his own thing.
And we never pushed him to do anything that other kids did because we never had any expectation that he saw the world as others did.

But, with my other children, being cognitively able, it is much harder to be totally guided by them for some reason! Dd sometimes says to me "but i am not you!!"

Sadly, it is only just dawning on me that her way of thinking is more closely aligned to her disabled brother than it is to an NT person. She sure has done a good cover up job with her masking!

She did make me laugh yesterday though - she wants to do her ADOS again so she can 'correct' some answers.

One question was "what are the benefits of being in a relationship?"

And she said 'well, if you move house that person will go with you and you won't be left alone. And you can share bills!'

So (without telling me her answer) she asked me the same question and i said 'you have a confidante that loves you and is always there to share experiences and chats with'
and someone to cuddle up to on cold nights.

And she said - no, no they aren't benefits. So she had of course taken benefit in a very literal sense and burst into laughter and said ' oh no, i have done it all wrong! I want to take the test again!'

Further discussion revealed she has no clue why anyone would embark on an adult relationship as it's just all a lot of faff and waste of time. Her new pal at college has a boyfriend that's always late apparently and dd can't understand why she doesn't just dump him.

I spend so much time chatting with dd, i just can't believe i haven't noticed all of this. She just seems so 'normal' to chat to! Whereas ds, you can't really have much conversation with him at all. Everything needs kept on a simple level so it is much easier to guage things just right for him.

@DarkChocHolic - it is such a hard one and, tbh, i might have the same kind of brain as your dd when it comes to food. My only saving graces are that i don't drink fizzy juices and i don't like fatty food.(pies, burgers, chips, donuts etc) It really is cakes, biscuits and sweets for me. I usually carry about 2 stone over my ideal weight. And if i start going above that, it's like a switch goes on in my brain and i will just click into diet mode. I will go at it for weeks and weeks, usually shifting a stone and a half or more.

And then the switch goes off and back on goes the weight. I just cannot control when i go into and out of 'diet mode'

Maybe one day, your dd will just decide that she needs to take action and go to it. I have been like this since mid 20s. I was slim til then but i always had this abnormal relationship with sugar since childhood.

When i was 6yrs old, i used to have a little fantasy that i could get into our local convenience store late at night and raid all of the bounty bars!!

What an unusual confectionary for a 6 yr old to crave!

I don't have any especial desire for bountys now but i wouldn't say no to one if one was on offer!

Aaargh! Another vet visit today with the dog! Be bankrupt at this rate. We have had almost 12 very uneventful years, vet wise, with the dog.

Now he has a 'hot spot' I had never heard of this before but very common apparantly. Something has irritated his skin and he has chewed it raw.

So he has been shaved on the area, got to wear a cone which he is not happy about and we are supposed to rub gel into this rawness 2 x day. Plus a few oral meds.

So - not seen a lot of dd today. I did manage to get a roast beef dinner on the table but otherwise all attention to the dog!

Hope your weekends have been cheaper! Have not got invoice yet.

@Anisty
How is Ddog?
Hope all ok.
Xx

Sorry to hear about the ddog @Anisty weve got a Lab she eats everything so every year we’ve had vet bills for something she shouldn’t have had! Her insurance doubled this year and she’s only 4. I’m currently being given the dog death stare whilst she’s waiting for her dinner time.
We had the usual grrr Monday trying to start back up some learning at home after a week off, but after shouting & tears from DD we got going and ticked off more than I’d anticipated this morning when she was under a hoodie growling at me.

Getting there @DarkChocHolic . It looks less raw than yesterday and he's been less whiney BUT he won't poo!!! Every day, he does one poo. But he's always off lead and likes to go away private in some bushes.

Today we kept him on lead. He has his cone of shame on and quite a few drugs on board so i didn't want to risk letting him off and have him go weird on me. Walked all over but he just would not poo.

And - due to vet error - he has had a huge overdose of penicillan. I did think the dose looked big but it definitely said give 3 tablets twice a day.

So this morning i gave 3 tablets in one go as instructed. Fortunately a penicillan overdose is not toxic in dogs as the vet had supplied 250mg tablets instead of 50mg ones!!!

So instead of a 150mg dose, he had 750mg!

Fortunately, i looked at everything very carefully later on and noticed the label said 50mg but the tablet size was 250mg.

I'm getting his gel on ok. I think it's going to heal up quite fast.

Ah, labs and their eating @Autumn00Storms 🤣 They are notorious for it lol!

Glad dd got going with some work after her growl!

Dd here is really not prepared for Weds. I just don't know how she's going to take it. She just wants to be 'normal' So she got a bit upset today saying she doesn't know what she's supposed to do to convince people she is not autistic. She has deliberately stopped pressing her fingers. And now her sister has told her she can't emigrate to Australia if she's autistic.

I think she had talked about Australia at one point so she's not chuffed to hear that at all. However, she was in cheery spirits later after a great horse riding lesson.

I think she has just got a bit of an internal struggle going on at the moment. Which is understandable.

now her sister has told her she can't emigrate to Australia if she's autistic.

It depends on needs rather than just diagnosis. You have to demonstrate that you will be able to support yourself. And non-citizens aren’t eligible for some support, such as NDIS. Similar to some people being allowed in to the UK with NRPF.

Thanks that's helpful @1spinforward2back . I don't think she has any firm plans in mind and neither do i think she'll need any support going forward. She's just going to need to understand herself better and know her own limitations - but we all have to do that a bit anyway!

@Anisty
Glad nothing serious with the dog. Hopefully he is perking up.
Good luck for today. I hope DD copes with what ever the outcome.
It will take some time to sink in
My DD had no questions for her HCP when her diagnosis was revealed to her. She didn't read the report either.
After few months, she and her therapist reviewed the report together and picked bits from it to discuss and put strategies in place.
They all got there.. when they want to get there.
Xx

Hello all, hope everyone is hanging in there. I'm still here in the background with the usual issues with my two. I'm getting quite stressed about what to do with my DS (13, asd/adhd, no EHCP yet) who has ebsa since the end of the summer term. He has missed so much school now. Every morning we go through the facade of getting him up and he tries to get ready and go but he just can't manage it. Years of the school system has broken him. We're waiting on section 19 application but the school are really dragging their heels with it. They have been quite unsympathetic and I'm really losing my shizzle with one member of staff in particular. I need to step away from the emails before I burn my bridges with the school altogether. I would so love to tell them to shove it but I'm not going to unenrolI him obviously, so I must behave myself. I need to arrange some kind of education for him as we are not in a position to home school. We haven't got the funds to pay for a while EOTAS Package so I really need the LA to pull something out of the bag quickly but I won't hold my breath. I'm worried he will become even more isolated and then become depressed as well.

@Theordinary request section 19 provision yourself. You don’t need the school to do it. IPSEA has a model letter you can use. Also request an EHCNA yourself. IPSEA has a model letter for that too. You don’t need the school to agree or support the application.

@Theordinary we are in a similar position but a year down the line with zero attendance for a year at school. No sec 19 as the council are A holes who use every excuse and trick to avoid paying for alternative provision she has an EHCP they continue to name the MS she can’t attend and we have waited a year to get to tribunal to fight for EOTAS it’s exhausting with no guarantee we will actually get any funded education once it gets to tribunal next
month. But we have in the meantime slowly put in place a mix of home ed things whilst she’s been in recovery which she is really engaging in academically. There’s lots of things out there to help make home ed easier but I do spend a lot of time facilitating it so it’s not easy on me at all.

Thanks @DarkChocHolic - she didn't actually take it too badly. Apart from zoning out in the explanation and then saying 'so am i or aren't I?'

She didn't extract out the meaning at all from 'you do meet the criteria'

So there was an hour's feedback and dd was ready to crack on with the rest of the day well before the hour was up. She laughed when the therapist commented on our 'very good relationship'

And she actually exited the appt in happy spirits; we were in town all day, had lunch, hit the shops and she was chatty right through.

When we got in, she stayed downstairs with the rest of the family chatting away so I have to say it has gone much better than expected.

The report will come out in about 10 days and includes the very detailed report, the strategy sheet plus a shortened summary sheet to present if reasonable adjustments need made in future.

Dog is healing well though i think i have been overly liberal with my use of the gel as i have run out a 10 day tube in 3 days. He still has the cone of shame on and keeps getting hooked up on radiators and stuck in doorways!

Don't want to risk taking it off too early and undoing all the good work so far.

Sorry to hear how things are for your atm, @Theordinary . I hadn't read the other posts yesterday but just caught up now. It sounds really difficult. Hope you have some rl pals to sound off to, as well as us on here xx